Emotionally Overloaded!

This is a short post to just let the world know that I am completely emotionally overwhelmed! We found out this week that my grandfather is extremely sick and only has a few days left to live. After crying in front of dozens (if not hundreds) of strangers today at lunch, I decided I needed to go out to California to visit him one last time to say good-bye. If there's anything I learned in my HDFS studies at CSU, it's that closure is extremely important and unresolved issues don't easily go away.
So I booked my ticket and am flying out bright and early tomorrow and will get back Sunday morning to have some sort of modified Easter brunch with my hubby, dad, and possibly my sis.
So if you're the praying type, keep me in your prayers as I go deal with things that I don't like to emotionally deal with and say good-bye to my grandfather.

P.S. Ali, if San Diego were any closer I'd come visit... unfortunately it'll have to wait till November :-(

The Rant of a Couch-Potato

I'm going through my yearly (maybe bi-monthly) crisis of identity where I start to question who I am, what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going, who my friends are, who my family is... and it all gets jumbled around in my head and I start to close off and get frustrated with everything and everyone. Everything seems to annoy me, and people suddenly don't seem worth the time and effort.
Yesterday, Michael was playing bass for church and then went straight to a meeting, so I got to sleep in and I spent yesterday morning sitting on my couch watching stupid movies on tv, and didn't even take a shower at noon. And if I hadn't had to run errands and go to my parents' house for dinner, I probably wouldn't have moved much off the couch all day. But nothing seemed motivating. I mean, I didn't even knit while in my stupid-movie-stupor, which is surprising because knitting is something I enjoy doing while watching tv and movies! Especially when I've seen them before and I don't have to pay attention the entire time. I didn't call anyone to hang out with, because then I'd actually have to interact with people. And who to call is another question. The women I could have called were probably at church, which the thought of right now makes my stomach churn, and my other friends don't live close-by.
I guess I'm just feeling down. I went to my sister's event to raise awareness about human trafficking on Saturday through the Not For Sale campaign, so joy for life kinda left me this weekend. It was a bit more intense than I anticipated...
That event showed me, yet again, that I truly desire to live for something bigger than myself, but I don't know what that looks like. Does it mean something overseas, through a NGO, through more schooling to become a counselor of some sort? I DON'T KNOW! And it's killing me! I don't know who I want to be or what I want to live for because there are so many issues out there, and only so little time and money. I want to impact people's lives, but it's distressing to me that I don't know what that looks like for me.
I met with a friend for coffee last week, and she sat there telling me about her new vision for her life was to start a school. I have no desire to associate myself with anything in the education system, but I felt a pang of envy as she spoke about how the dream had become clear to her and she had already gotten the ball rolling by telling people about it and finding people who were interested... I sat there thinking, "I want to start something or be a part of something I'm so sure about and passionate about; if only I knew what that was." I'm excited for my friend, but at the same time, I feel depressed about it.
I wish it were me sitting at that table telling her about my new vision and purpose in life. Because right now, my only purpose is to show up to work (which I don't really enjoy), get a paycheck, and make sure Michael doesn't freak out and burn the church down. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for things to happen, but they don't, or they do but cause more waiting to happen. I waited to graduate, I then waited to get married, then I waited to figure out what the hell I was going to do for a job, then I have to wait to figure out what I really want to do with my life now that I'm making a steady paycheck, and I'm also waiting for Michael to finish school so I can possibly pursue my dream of working at a non-profit. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I want life and my dreams to finally catch up, but they seem stuck in stand-by mode.
My life is bigger than I am. I know that. I feel it deep down. But how I can express that and pursue that... that's the big question.
So thanks for listening to my processing rant. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a clear sense of what the hell I'm doing... or I might just have to keep waiting...

By The Way, I Might End Up On the Other Side of the World Someday...

So the second thing--
An idea I've been tossing around in my head, and really feeling a conviction for, is to possibly end up going to Southeast Asia and helping AIDS orphans there... WHAT??!?! Me? I know! I don't consider it a "missions trip" in the traditional sense, because my purpose is not to "bring Jesus" but to bring his love through my actions... make sense? This wouldn't happen any time soon, seeing as we don't have anywhere near enough money to even start thinking about, and also, it's a joint decision and so I wouldn't feel comfortable about going anywhere without Michael feeling it too. And to explain a little more, I'm not thinking this would be a week or two trip-- I'm thinking months or years... so that's why, for now, it's an idea and a thought that I'll keep researching and considering and praying about, but now is not the time to act.
I've acted quickly before, and I didn't sit down to consider what I was wanting to do and why. But in this instance, I've been thinking about it every so often since 2 summers ago when I took a class and did a project on a home for AIDS orphans in Cambodia. Ever since then, I have had a heart for those children and have wanted to do something about it. And now I've spoken it out loud (I informed Michael of my thoughts on Sunday while we were folding laundry...), it feels a bit more real and like it might maybe happen some day.
So if you are type of person who prays, pray for me as I toss this around and really investigate and see if God really wants me there. I've never thought I was one for overseas missions, but who knows... God might have other plans for me/us! But let's take that one small step at a time, m'kay?

Yay! A New Place to Live!

We're all moved in! I took Friday off to finish packing and we had a huge group of people come help us move on Saturday into a new apartment across town (thanks everyone!). It's bigger, more spacious, and has more storage... oh, and did I mention it's bigger? It's actually not that much bigger, but when you compare it to the shoebox we were living in, it seems humongous! It's also something we can take pride in, make our own, and really get all we can out of it. The layout is way better, as well as having vaulted ceilings, so it feels a lot more open than it really is.
The weirdest thing, however, is that there are no ceiling lights in the living room or the bedroom... so we have to go buy floor-lamps so we can see when we walk into the dark rooms. I never thought to ask about needing lamps for actual function to see in a room, but I guess you learn something new every time you move!
We're really excited about our new place, and I hope we can have everyone over to see it! If I wasn't so weary of posting pictures of where I live online, I'd post some here. But unfortunately, I have security-issue-problems.
I had the day off yesterday so we were able to get a lot more unpacked and put away, and now all we have left is to put pictures up! I'm so excited for this new phase of life and hopefully we're happy enough where we are that the next time we move will be into a house we will buy... but we'll just have to wait and see.
Praise God for a wonderful new place to live!!

Moving, Yet Again...

Michael and I are moving!! I'm so excited about it! We're moving about 15 minutes east of where we are now to an apartment complex. We've been living in a basement apartment. It gets a bit awkward because the landlord is the neighborhood pastor of our church... who is also Michael's boss. So tensions either about where we live or about his job have that added awkwardness of living underneath his boss/landlord. But we've enjoyed where we've lived but the time has come to move on. We couldn't have afforded anywhere else (besides my parents basement) when we first got married, so the apartment has definitely been a blessing. But we're both working now and can easily afford somewhere a bit bigger and a bit nicer. I think it's amazing that they have the opportunity to help people out by having apartments in their basement that they charge very little rent for (especially compared to what the apartments are worth in that neighborhood). I hope to do the same, some day down the road when we own our own house.
But as older posts have stated: I HATE MOVING! The thought of boxes and tape and labels and wrapping crap in newspaper and bubble-wrap makes my stomach churn and I feel nauseous. It helps that this moving experience isn't moving home to my parents, but to a new place that is nicer and symbolizing a new phase in our lives.
We move on Valentines Day, which I couldn't care less about moving on that "holiday" because I hate Valentines Day (don't get me started about why...). It's a great coincidence that we move in that day because I have a 3-day weekend because of Presidents Day that following Monday.
So we're starting to sort through our things and throw/give things away. The boxes have yet to come out from under the bed, because I just might have a full-blown panic attack at the sight of them... just kidding... no I'm not... I dread packing and moving, but hopefully this will be a positive experience that will overshadow past, traumatic experiences... hopefully...
And let's hope we like this place well enough that we will stay longer than a year and don't have to pack up and move all over again. It's my hope that the next time we move, we'll be moving into a house that we bought. But that's just my hope. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

If Only She'd Take My Advice

**Removed because, well, you never know when someone will happen across your blog...**

New Direction

I think I figured it out. Because I want a balance, but also don't want to put myself in a box, I'm going to end up writing about whatever I darn well please. So for those of you who read my blog, I'm going to keep it up and just change my tone a bit. I'll write about life, about family, about church, and maybe some random tid-bit here and there. If something spiritual and religious is on my mind, I'll write about that; and if I'm trying to process interacting with my in-laws, I'll write about that... So be patient with me as I venture forth on this new blog journey and hopefully great things will come of it! So stay tuned ;-)

Women Friends... Where are They? I Don't Know, I Don't Know...

I hate being different. I've always gone against the grain and don't tend to follow what the crowd is doing, especially not before meticulously analyzing and scrutinizing everything people do and say. I've tended to live my own life, trying desperately to find myself in the meantime. I'm in a place in my life where I feel like I know who I am, what I believe, and what kind of person I want to be.
However, not everyone is like that. And not everyone likes people who question things and don't take things at face value. Especially in church groups, where the default viewpoint is one of being conservative and traditional, I really butt heads with that one.
I don't like people telling me to believe something "just because I should" and to do something "just because it's always been done." I push against that and question it and ask WHY am I doing it or believing it. If I can be given a good, well-explained answer, or if I do the research myself for what I should do/believe, then I'll do it. I'll put the time and effort into understanding why I do and believe what I do and believe. But again, not everyone is like that. They believe it because that's what the preacher guy says, what their parents did and taught, and because everyone else is doing it. And if you ask them why, they don't have a very clear understanding or explanation... which frustrates me to no end. I may not understand or know everything, but I'm willing to research it if I'm asked and question it and roll it around in my mind and talk about it till I'm blue in the face. I don't like pat answers or the ones that everyone always gives. I want to push people, question them, stretch them (which, in turn, stretches me), but people are uncomfortable with that, usually, and I end up repelling people because I come on too strong. And as a woman, a strong woman in certain circles and to certain women is intimidating... I hate being intimidating. But I can't help it.
And when it comes to interacting with people, I love interacting and talking and digging deeper but, honestly, I'd much rather sit back at a party/get-together and just watch people and listen. Thankfully that is no longer my default excuse for not talking in a group, but observing, questioning, analyzing, speculating is what I do best and enjoy the most. I can leave a party with a pretty good idea of who people are, what their marriage is like, and what kind of person they really are.
But again, most people aren't like that. And they like being the same, not standing out, not voicing their true personality. And they get defensive when those ideas that are the "same" are questioned or even shaken... and I like to question and shake... which leaves me a bit on my own. And I believe this is why my friendships with other women have been few and far between. I've had a few good ones, but they were with other women who tended to think like I do.
So that's what's difficult about our current Bible study... I don't think anyone thinks like I (we [being me and Michael]) do, and the women/wives of the group tend to act like they wear "happy masks" (ex. one woman claimed that in over a year of marriage have never had a single fight.........) and don't tend to bear their true souls. And they don't think like I do. Being friends with them will be a challenge, some more than others, and I'm hoping that the deep-rooted beliefs that we hold onto wont come in the middle of our friendship. But if we both can't be open to others' beliefs, it's doomed to fail from the beginning. So I have to have an open mind, and hope and pray that they can too without judgment or condemnation. It's going to be hard and going to stretch me, and I'm hoping I can stick through it instead of taking the "flight" side of conflict and difficult situations. These couples have the potential to be great, long-lasting friendships, but getting through the hard times and the disagreements is what will test and strengthen them... if we can get through those times...
So please pray for me as I embark on this journey to try to establish friendships with women who may not be "comfortable" and the same as me-- that we can learn from each other and grow together. Because I desperately need those female friendships!

An Answer to Prayer!!

I posted a blog a while ago about not having many friends and being frustrated with the ones I had. The frustrations with those friends I mentioned are still there, if not completely dissolved right along with the friendships. It was more of a mutual, lack-of-continuing to invest in the friendship kind of thing, so it wasn't too rough. We are still civil to each other and enjoy running into each other at church or even REI (that happened yesterday), but we wont make it a point to call or get together.
Being sad and upset over failed friendships isn't what this post is about. Actually, this post is a post of celebration!
After I wrote that post, we were invited to a young marrieds bbq. What happened that night was nothing short of an answer to prayer. The group of people who attended (there were about 4 or 5 couples) clicked and we enjoyed their company late into the night (1am if I remember correctly). And since then, most of the couples TOOK INITIATIVE and invited people over and our friendship grew. All summer, we have been connecting and growing deeper together. We grew enough that now we are going to be in a Bible study with those couples (I'll write a post about that later to digest my thoughts on it).
We found friends who liked us and we liked them. They told us "we want to get to know you, we like you" and we said it back. We have been aching for friends who we can rely on and know have our backs if we ever need them. We needed friends who will open up and share their true selves and we will do the same. And through these friends, we have found all of these things! We have prayed for good friends and even for some specific things, things that we have found in these friends. I don't expect that we'll be friends forever, but for now, we can be together and experience life with them for now... but who knows, they could be life-long friends! We'll see what God and life have in store for us!
Oh, I also have to mention our friends who we went driving up in the mountains with this weekend. We have barely seen them all summer, but this weekend they loved us more than any of our friends have in a long time! We had the most wonderful day with them and hated that we had to end the day early (Michael had to work his last night at the restaurant). We love our friends so much!
And from those friendships as couples, I've ended up deepening friendships with the women. I have had lunch numerous times with one friend, had dinner with another, and have gone to ice cream twice with yet another. Every time, my heart just bursts! I get so excited about making deep girl-friendships! My heart has longed and ached for that, and I'm finally getting it. And the friendships aren't surface-level either-- we talk about deep issues like marriage, family life growing up (and still dealing with), etc.
And my friend from our Meals that Matter group (it's a quarterly thing at our church to sign up and you have dinner once a week for 6-8 weeks with people who live around you... awesome idea!) who we have a scheduled lunch date every Tuesday! Sometimes, we eat together more than once a week, just because we want to and enjoy each other that much. With the other girls from church, I've had to initially initiate the get-together, but with this friend, we do it equally. I've never been pursued as a friend before-- I've always been the one pursuing. And it feels amazing to be told "I like you! I want to spend time with you!" Again, it makes my heart so happy. I walk back to work refreshed and energized by spending time with her. Michael and I are even house-sitting for her and her husband this week!
I am so excited about the answer to prayer that has happened in my life. I just hope things don't turn sour again and I'm back at square one. But this feels different-- these friends want to be friends and want to take the time to grow and develop our friendship. And if I start becoming the one to always initiate again, I will deal with it or just let the friendship fizzle away to courtesy because the other person obviously isn't interested enough to keep it going.
So, praise Jesus! :-) I have found friends! Friends I can connect with and grow with, be there for and embrace. I am just so excited about where life is headed in regards to friendships... now if only we can make the guys connect more outside of a group setting and Michael can gain some solid friendships as well! That's my next prayer... let's see God work!

I'm a Superhero Addict!

As I'm sure the rest of the world is, I am SO excited to go see the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight. Ever since I went on imdb.com before the movie was even done and saw that Heath Ledger was the Joker, I wanted to go out and see it! I've been seeing reviews posted on news sites and have been so envious of the reviewers' jobs!
If you know me at all, you know that I don't tend to get excited about superhero movies, tv shows, or any sort of sci-fi show or movie. However, in the last week, I have become a total sci-fi/superhero nerd! As I said before, I can't wait to see Batman, but there's more. Michael and I don't have cable (we actually only have about 7 channels using bunny ears/antenna... we're so high-tech!) we don't really watch any tv except for the news in the morning while we're getting ready for the day. So to replace having to remember when shows are on, we rent the old seasons and watch them (or watch them online, like I did with LOST-- which I watched on my lunch breaks...). Well all this to say, Michael rented the show, Heroes on NBC. He had about 20 minutes left of an episode when I got home the other day and I sat and watched the rest with him-- I was totally and completely sucked in! It's about people with super-powers but I can't get enough of it!
I used to have my line-up of shows that I watched every week without fail (including in the summer-- Psych is one of the best shows out there!). But since we don't have cable and are usually busy during the week, I have lost interest in almost every show (LOST is the only exception) and I thought I was cured of my tv-show addiction... but here comes Heroes... ugh! It's sad and pathedic, but oh well, at least it's entertaining. Plus, Michael and I now watch it together so it's time we get to spend together!
Too bad I have to work so I can't be home watching Heroes.........

Processing the Character of God

I was sitting in church on Sunday and the sermon was about making a New Year's Resolution to focus your resolutions and life on the character of God. It was pretty interesting and it made me think. I was processing about it later, I started thinking about the character of God that is seen in the Old Testament versus the God we see today. God didn't hesitate to bring down fire and brimstone on a community that had lost their focus on God. Why doesn't that happen today? Why don't we seem to see God's wrath in the world today? Is it too easily dismissed as something else, like mother nature, terrorists, etc? Or has God changed the way He reacts and interacts with humans? I know Jesus came down to redeem humanity, so does that mean God's wrath no longer is brought down on earth? And what about miracles? I know they happen now and then, but what happened to people being healed left and right, all in the name of God/Jesus? All these questions make me wonder, I know that God doesn't change, but can/did He change how He interacted and dealt with humanity?
I'm not really looking for an answer, but an opportunity to process the character of God. I hope all of you find God this year and your life and your relationship with God and others is transformed!

That's "Graduate" Katie to You!

I would like to announce that I have officially GRADUATED from Colorado State University!!!!

I Will Miss....

It's getting down to the wire. I have only one paper to finish (I'm doing this instead of writing my conclusion...) and one more final on Thursday and I am home free! I will become a college graduate on Friday at 7:30pm! I can't wait!
But, before that happens, I have to finish my paper, take my test, and finish packing up my room to move home. I also need to say my last goodbyes to people, who I know I'll see again but definitely not half as much when I move. That's probably the hardest part. I'm excited to move and get on with the next phase of life, but that means leaving part of my past behind. I'm no longer a student (so when it asks for an occupation, which box do I check? I've been marking "student" for the last 16 years!). I don't have to go to class, take tests, write papers... wait, why am I sad to leave that? Well, I don't get a 3 month summer break, a 4-week winter break, or spring break... I will miss that... maybe I want to be a teacher-- hahahaha that's funny! NO WAY!
But the friendships I've made with people up in Fort Collins have been the best I could have ever asked for. They all helped shape me and mold me into the woman I am today. I have had friends (and roommates) come and go, but some have stuck around all 3 1/2 years.
So here is my shout-out to those friends who I will miss greatly and forever treasure:
My friend, and two-year roommate, Holly, has been a greater blessing to me than I could have ever imagined. We've had our ups and downs, as true friendships should, but through it all she has been there for me and I value her friendship so highly. She loves me for me and even though we can be so different we are so much the same. We love to laugh and talk, and I will miss our late-night chats in the bathroom after we've long been finished getting ready for bed. Thankfully she is moving to Denver as well after she graduates in May so I will hopefully get to see her more!
As most of you who read my blog also read David and Makeesha Fisher's blogs, you'll know who I'm talking about! They have been the best of friends to me and Michael. For me, they were the ones who helped me find my own faith and my own voice about what I believed. They believed in me and encouraged me to be all that I can and will be. It's crazy to think about that I've known them for 2 1/2 years! We have been through so much and we have been there for each other through it all. I would not be the strong woman I am today if it was not for the help and prayer and encouragement of Makeesha. I will miss coming over to knit and watch "Psych" or "Numbers" on a lazy afternoon! I will especially miss that you are just a short bike ride away! I love you guys!
And of course, I can't forget my sister who is also at CSU. It has been an awesome experience being at the same school with her and watching her develop into the woman she is becoming. I will miss our sister days like crazy! When LOST comes back on, I will feel lost (hehehe) without her sitting right next to me! I will no longer be able to go over to her house every Monday to sit and distract her when she's trying to do her homework, and she wont come over every Wednesday to do her laundry. She is my best friend and knows me better than anyone! I will miss her laugh (for those of you who have never heard it, you're missing out on the most contagious and fun laugh ever!) and her insights and her loving, graceful, beautiful heart. I'm actually excited we get to spend all of Christmas break together before we have to part ways.
And last but not least is my life-long friend, Ali. We have been friends since we were 2 years old and we came to CSU and we have continued our friendship over these last few years. We know each other so well and can tell each other anything. I will miss hanging out with her and laughing and spending time with her! I will really miss her when she moves to Virginia after she gets married this summer!!! It will be so weird not having her nearby!
As well as people, I will also miss a few other things in Fort Collins:
- The endless variety of independent coffee shops, including one that's open 24 hours!
- Old Town
- Pizza delivery until 3am
- The small-town feel
- The laid-back feel
- How environmentally conscious everyone is
- Local breweries at every turn
- Independently owned stores all over the place
- Barista-ing at Everyday Joes
- And the whole experience and feel of being in Fort Collins... it's truly a relaxing, happy feeling!

Because I listed the things and people that I will miss, I thought it would be appropriate to list what I will not miss:
- the train that runs through the middle of town, blowing the horn so loud you can hear it miles away
- finals
- everything having to do with school... except for the learning part-- if only I went to a school where tests and papers didn't exist!
- Geese everywhere
- Campus traffic
- Stupid bikers
- Stupid pedestrians
- Did I mention the train? Cuz I hate the train!

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'm excited to move, but as you can see, I am leaving behind a lot of awesome, great, wonderful people and experiences! Good-bye Fort Collins, I love you!

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

At the church I attend in Denver, they have been doing a series on doubt. It's been a very meaningful series and has made me think a lot. My biggest struggle was the fact that I felt that I did not have any real doubts. But as this series continued and as I would think about the sermons during the week, I realized there were some deep doubts and major questions and struggles that I have. The biggest one I have always seemed to struggle with is friendships. I've always had friends, it's keeping them that is my problem. It seemed every year of school I would lose my friends to some extenuating circumstances-- moving away, leaving the school, etc. So each school year I would have to start from scratch at finding new friends. I would through the doors on the first day of school friendless, and thankfully God blessed me by finding great friends during that year. Unfortunately, more times than not, at the end of the year, something would happen (or nothing, but the friendship would be over for whatever reason) and the process would happen all over again. That is how I've seen God work in my life to bring me great friends every year, but the questions I still have are: "Why did they have to end? Why did I have to start over fresh every year? Why can't I hold onto these friendships? Were they even real friends?" To go along with that, not only did I have friendships end, they ended badly. They didn't just move on or fade out, but they actually ended with hurt feelings and resentment-- reasons I could point my finger to and still have lingering hurt from. They have been friendships that I thought were deep and possibly life-long. I spent an entire summer after high school having to deal with this-- let's just say I hate when it happens again. So when it does happen again, I realized I turn to God and ask, "WHY!?!? Why me? Why again? I thought this was a one-time...two-time... thing!" How can God, when He knows how important friendships are to me, how much I struggle with them, and how important fellowship is in general, let friendships end terribly or people let you down or betray you? If it is something that I'm doing (since I am the common denominator in all those failed-friendships) why can't I figure out what it is? Why do I have to keep going through this? I understand friendships ending naturally or gradually, but why must some end with such hurt or bitterness? I have tried to reconcile with people from my past and even though we forgave each other and talked honestly with each other, there is still hurt there-- even after 3 1/2 years! Where is the love and grace that God promises? These were church people and they left my high-and-dry... How could God let someone who was a leader and those who said they loved God treat someone so terribly? How could my heart endure that kind of pain? That kind of abandonment?

And this goes for church-relationships as well. I have been a part of numerous churches and all seemed to end badly. It wasn't just a "oh, I'm leaving because of ___ (a non-issue like leaving for college)" but a "the people in this church hate me/ignore me/patronize me/etc." Is there something I'm doing to have no choice but to leave every church I attend? It's a bit heart-breaking when I'm suddenly not accepted where I was loved the day before.
Another issue I have is why the church so divided. This is my biggest question when it comes to church. When the message of Jesus was pretty simple, why are there countless churches on every street corner, each one pretty much at war with one another over minute, mundane details and interpretations? I had a discussion with a guy my sister and I barista with about church divisions. He talked about how in Acts (I think) there were tons of churches, but they were all united under one cause and one reason. There were only different ones because of location, not differing beliefs. And yet, over time, different churches came to mean you had to have xyz belief and think those with abc belief are stupid, ignorant, devil-worshiping, blasphemist, going straight to hell ... you fill in the blank. I can't understand when every Christian church says they love God and are following the teachings of Jesus and yet are so full of hate or disdain or prejudice. Is it possible for us all to be right? Or are we all wrong? Are there people who are doing things right? Is it possible to be doing it all right when we're also doing it all wrong? Is there an absolute right and absolute wrongs?

I don't think there are any answers for any of my endless questions. But that is what is great-- I can ask the questions, process them, research them, discuss them, etc. I just can't let those doubts lead me away from God but towards Him. God is a mystery and we are fallen people... that's the most important thing to remember!

Wow! And here I thought I didn't have any doubts or questions... This post was a lot more exposing and deep that I anticipated. Well, this is what I'm dealing with! Life's all about being real, right? Well, I'm trying to work every day to understand and be drawn closer to God through my struggles and my questions. I pray that God reveals Himself to me, and to others who have questions and struggles weighing on their hearts. I pray that God can take away the hurt and the pain, and replace it with love and compassion... not an easy process by any means.

The Happenings of Thanksgiving Week

I just got back to school from a week-long Thanksgiving break. It was wonderful, even with the few family drama issues! At the beginning, me, my sister, her roommate who stayed with us all week, and Michael went to the Denver Film Festival. My dad prints their programs so we got ticket vouchers to go see a movie. We had a blast (after we wandered around trying to find the theater)! We went out to dinner and then went to the movie, all dressed up and feeling hott! The movie was about a grandma who finds a job working at a sex-shop to earn money to pay for her grandson's much-needed medical treatment. It was awkward at times (as you can imagine), but really well done! We all enjoyed it-- you can't go wrong with a great character-development movie ;-) (My sister and I are in the middle... her roommate is on the left, and Michael (obviously) is on the right)
I then spent the week hanging out with my parents and my sister and her roommate. We chatted, watched movies, helped cook, went grocery shopping... the time flew!
Thanksgiving came and we had some long-time family friends over for dinner. We had delicious turkey (and that's a lot for me to say since I'm not a big fan of turkey-- I'd rather have ham any day) and all the "usual" side dishes. But when it's "usual" it means my mom found an even better recipe that melts in your mouth! We then spent the evening playing card games which actually ended up being evenly scored (GO me and Brittany!)! (In the picture-- (left to right: me, Michael, Ali, Taryn, Brittany, and Jill)
It's a lifelong tradition of our family to trek out like the Griswolds and cut down our Christmas tree. Thankfully we have always remembered our saw ;-) This year, however, my sister and I managed to lose our parents in the forest. While we were picking up pine cones and putting them in each other's hood (while laughing uncontrollably!) we thought we were following our parents' tree-dragging trail. Well, when we got to the car and my parents were not there, we realized we'd followed the wrong tree line (except that we ended up by our car... weird). Our parents finally walked up--even after we went searching for them in the forest and still ended up at the car again-- thankful that their dread of my sister and I sitting in the snow crying and hungry, being nibbled on by a bear was not true. We (being my dad) tied up the tree to the top of the car and we drove to the volunteer fire station that we go to every year to get some hot chocolate. While we were there, Mrs. Claus dragged our whole family over to Santa Claus' lap to take a picture! (I have a confession-- that was the first time I've ever sat on Santa's lap in my entire life! I've always been terrified of Santa so my sister and I never went near him!) As we were waiting for our picture to develop we read an article about this particular Santa and how he is the real deal. Thirteen years ago, he heard about families who were not going to have a real Christmas because they didn't have enough money. So, on Christmas morning, he dressed up in a Santa suit and went and took presents to the families. He paid for it out of his own pocket and continues to do it every year! What an awesome example of what one man can do to impact other people's lives!!
So other than that, I just relaxed and spent some quality time with my family. Oh, and we finally found a wedding venue location!!! YAY! We're all super-excited about it! Anyway, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! I thought I'd end this with a brief list of what I'm thankful for this year:
- Loyal friends
- Love of friends and family
- My sister (and the fact that she's up at CSU with me)
- Michael
- Making a real difference
- God working in my life
- TV shows... my guilty pleasure ;-)
- Movies... another guilty pleasure...
- Ice cream... my absolute guilty pleasure!
- The blessing my aunt gives my sister and I every month
- The safety of my Marine boys
- Change, even though it's really hard
- The endless possibilities for my future
- Sunsets
- And the everyday blessings God gives me!

HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!!!

Guest Blog- Banging Your Head Against the Wall

I have written a guest blog again! After a conversation with my sister about what her on-campus group leader had spoken about, I wrote about the intolerance that churches teach and what we should do in response to that intolerance. People should take a stand against people's intolerance. People don't have to all agree, but they should not hate or condemn others. So go check it out! Comment away!

I don't have a gazillion years of experience in anything!

I'm having a life-crisis. Now that moving is over (thank God!) I no longer have an excuse to not be thinking about and looking for a future job. And when I say job, I mean career. I graduate in December and I have yet to find any sort of direction in my life about what I want to do. Do I want to do this? Or that? Go here? Or there? The biggest issue is that I have no idea what I even want to do. I'm qualified to do social service stuff... and usually that requires a masters degree (ICK!) or a gazillion years of experience. I'm not even sure if I want to stay in that field. But if not, what do I do?? Anyone got a job they just want to hand to me and make this process a heck of a lot easier? No? Well, that's life. It's time to grow up. This is not what I thought it would be when I dreamed of being a "grown up."

Love and Chocolate

"Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside, whose people believed in Tranquilité - Tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you. You knew your place in the scheme of things. And if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you. In this village, if you saw something you weren't supposed to see, you learned to look the other way. If perchance your hopes had been disappointed, you learned never to ask for more. So through good times and bad, famine and feast, the villagers held fast to their traditions. Until, one winter day, a sly wind blew in from the North..."

This is the opening monologue in the movie, "Chocolat." I was watching it a few nights ago with two of my girl friends (Johnny Depp + chocolate = great girl's night!) and as much as I adore the movie, I was struck by the deep theological ideas/symbolism that the movie portrayed. When not drooling over Johnny Depp, I actually was amazed by the great picture of the church that the movie symbolized.
The movie is about a woman, Vianne-- unmarried with a daughter, neither one attends church-- who open a chocolate shop in a very quiet, traditional French town. This woman wears brightly colored dresses and shoes and befriends the people of the town (and visitors) who the town ignores or even "boycotts." Try as the mayor and the priest may, they cannot dissuade people from going to the chocolate shop.
Because the priest and the mayor do not agree with what Vianne does, they use the pulpit to convince the people that the chocolate that she sells and the friendship that she offers is evil and essentially like befriending the devil. The mayor goes around the town gossiping about Vianne and putting a negative light on everything about her, considering her and her chocolate "shameless" and "the enemy."
One day, a group of "pirates" (well, they're actually "river rats"-- as if that's any better) come to the village. They are seen as untouchables. However, as the town posts signs stating "boycott immorality," Vianne welcomes them to her shop with open arms, and a chocolate treat. Almost everyone in the town looks down on her actions, but the river rats all appreciate her hospitality. They even allow her to host a party on her boat. I must say, she and the guests of the party all looked like they were having a heck of a lot more fun than the people of the village...

In the end, everyone--including the hard-ass mayor-- come to realize the power of her unconditional and nonjudgmental love and friendship. (Sorry if I spoiled the movie... it's been out for 7 years, so I don't feel bad!)

So... that was a nice story... why write about it you ask. Well, I looked at it though the church's eye. Go back and read it again if you need to with this in mind: think of the town as the traditional church; Vianne as churches (and people) that are doing things a "bit differently" that the traditional church gasps at; the river rats as those that the traditional church shuns and puts down: homosexuals, the homeless, "sinners", etc. ... Read it again... It all comes together, doesn't it?!

God calls us all to be like Vianne. We need to stand strong in our own beliefs and love everyone, despite what others may think of them or what the "church" teaches about them. We need to stand out with our nonjudgmenal love and grace for people. We need to look beyond what "the church" teaches us to believe about them. There is truly nothing wrong with chocolate, and yet the mayor and the priest were able to convince the people of the town that it was evil. We need to think for ourselves and question what we are taught, especially to see if there is some kind of agenda behind it. We need to stand strong! We need to accept and even risk making enemies with others. Who knew that giving love to people could make others so mad? Mix things up a bit and bring light into dark places, places that have forgotten how to laugh, cry, and be joyful. Finally, give out chocolate-- you never know whose life you're going to change!

Masks and Country Music

I have a confession to make… I like country music (and unashamed of it!). Well, I have a lot of it on my itunes and I was listening to it today at work and one of my all-time favorite artists came on—Garth Brooks. I love him! I am so angry that I became a fan when he decided to retire, or at least no longer tour… I can’t say how much I wouldn’t spend on a ticket to his concert. Anyway, I’m getting away from the reason I’m writing this. I was listening to him today and his song, “When There’s No One Around” came on. It’s a fabulous song! It’s about being a different person when no one’s around—being a kid (immature, reckless, without a care in the world), being an adult (unsure, insecure, invisible to the world), and singing and dancing to your own song (carefree, carried away, lose control). It’s not a new or even remotely revolutionary idea that people are not themselves around others. As I was listening to it, this idea struck me—why not?

Why can’t we be ourselves? Why must we put on our masks and hide our insecurities and burdens when we are around others? Why is it so difficult to even remove the mask and let the child out even when we are alone? It doesn’t matter if we are at home, school, work, church… we all wear masks. We may even change which mask we wear in front of which people. Why are we so afraid to be real?

I will be the first to admit that I have and do wear masks. However, I have been working (through counseling mostly) on being genuine and real—to take off the masks and expose my true self—the self that is flawed, broken, bruised, and *gasp* not perfect. It is difficult to show your true self and express how you really feel about something. The “world” expects us to always be happy, joyful, and think positively about things. What I have been learning is how to talk to people and express an opinion, especially one that may be negative or against the norm, in a respectable way, yet still getting my voice heard and my point across. It’s very easy to hide behind excuses and justifications for not “showing up.” People want honesty yet rarely give it. We all need to work on that and work on removing the mask that hides our imperfections. Expose your true self. Dance your own dance, no matter who is around!

Here are the lyrics of the song:

This is a song that nobody knows
I couldn't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sing when there's no one around

This is the man that nobody sees
He wears my old clothes and he looks just like me
Just one of the boys who gets lost in the crowd
He's the man that I am when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
I'm lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartache and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a glimpse of a child that's within
He's so immature but he's still my best friend
If he could learn how to fly he'd never touch down
He's the kid that I am when there's no one around

This is the dance I do every day
I let my feet go and get carried away
I let my soul lead and follow the sound
It's the dance that I do when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
I'm lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartache and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a song that nobody knows
I still can't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sign when there's no one around
It's a song that I sign when there's no one around

Jumping With My Eyes Closed

This picture symbolizes how I'm feeling at the moment... jumping off a cliff, with my eyes closed, praying to God that I will land on my feet (not my head) on solid ground. My life is so up in the air and I am seeking direction from God in so many aspects of my life! So if I feel God directing one part of my life in one direction, I don't really meditate on it or think about it for a while-- I jump! I trust that I have heard God's calling and I walk in that faith. And if I'm wrong, I trust God will bring me back to where He wants me. I'm just praying I'm landing where God wants me cuz I definitely feel like I'm jumping off and hoping I don't fall and land flat on my face! (Thankfully, God extends a LOT of grace (and band-aids) in case I do!)