I Love My Husband, and He Loves Me!

As I mentioned a few days ago, it was our one year anniversary last weekend. We had a wonderful time! We toured around Colorado Springs, ate some mediocre food, watched a movie, and went to the zoo. And best of all, we spent all of our time together. We had a bit of a hiccup at the beginning of our weekend, but we then spent the rest of the time laughing, talking, puking (oh, have I ever mentioned I'm sir-pukes-a-lot? yeah, the legacy continues...[and no, it was not because of alcohol]), eating, and taking pictures of giraffes.
And best of all, we've continued to live in our happy, lovey-dovey mode since then. Yeah, we've fought a bit, but we've spent the rest of the time really enjoying each other and loving each other. Something has changed, for the better, and we've been able to enjoy each other and love spending time together. For example, we played 20 questions today in the car while driving up to Fort Collins and laughed the whole time!
I love my husband!! We're growing together as a couple and as individuals, and I'm loving every minute of it. There have had ups and downs, even this week, but I've loved the people we've become and will become the more we continue to grow together!
I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!!!

One Year Down, Many More to Go!

Okay, so as I was writing my other post, I realized I had two things to process/tell about.
First-- next Saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of Michael's and my marriage :-D I cannot believe we've been married for A YEAR! Comparatively, that's not very long, but it's flown by, and hey, a life-long marriage has to start somewhere...
To celebrate, we're going down to Colorado Springs to tour around and spend the night at a hotel and then go snowshoeing the next day. Neither one of us has ever spent any real time down there (I know, it's sad that I'm a native and have not really been around the Springs...). But there's Garden of the Gods, the Royal Gorge, and who knows what else! And as for snowshoeing, the Springs gets dumped on all the freaking time, so I'm hoping there are some fun places to go around there.
We've been discussing anniversary gifts, and I really feel like this occasion calls for a lot more thought and sentiment than any other occasion (bday, Christmas, etc). But then again, if it's something he's passionate about, why not get him something that more resembles a birthday gift? I'm kinda torn. I have a good idea for one thing (thanks, Erin!) which I'm excited about, but it doesn't seem like enough. This is where I feel bad for Michael because women are easier to buy for-- jewelry, flowers, etc. Michael doesn't wear jewelry, he doesn't dress up for work (so cuff-links are out of the question), and he doesn't golf (so an engraved golf club is out of the question as well ;-). But we'll see what other ideas I have. I have a week to think of something!
Anyway, to be a bit more deep, it really interests me to look back on our first year of marriage and see the growth as individuals and as a couple. I can't believe the fights we had at the beginning and how much how we fight has even changed (for the better, thankfully!). We respect each other more, see each other for who we really are and still love each other just the same. We've lived life together and gone through the ups and downs and sideways. We've been there to support each other in personal lows, and rejoice in times of personal highs! I know that I can come to Michael with a fear or insecurity and I know he will help encourage me through it all and be my personal cheerleader. And I can be that for him as well.
When people say that opposites attract AND that you are one parent and you marry the other... yeah, those are both totally and completely 100% true! It's kinda freaky, actually. But the great thing is that through our differences, we can help each other grow. For instance, I'm more logical in my processing and reacting, and Michael is more emotional. At times, those differences ended up in major blow-ups, but through them I have helped Michael take a mental step back, evaluate the situation before reacting; and Michael has helped me explore and be okay with emotion and expressing it (which has been extremely hard because I HATE being out of control with my emotions... but then I am closed off... vicious cycle!) And yes, I am my mother... but I'm not complaining. I love my mom! And it's been nice to be able to go to her to seek advice on how to handle different situations with someone who is just like my dad. I have an ally and a support. It's awesome! And since Michael is just like my dad, it has helped me understand and better interact with my dad and my sister (who is also like my dad). I've gained a better understanding of how they work and how to interact in a healthy way with them. It's awesome!
And we heard from a lot of people that the first year of marriage is the hardest-- heck yes it is! I never realized how much work it would be to adjust to living with someone so different from me and learning to interact as a married couple and continue to have a healthy relationship. I'm hoping that this next year and all the years after are filled with growth, but hopefully it wont be as hard as this year was.
I love my husband and I can't wait to see what another year has in store for us! Come what may!! (That's our theme-song [this was our recession song in our wedding], as well as out motto for our relationship... just in case you were wondering)

Bible Study is Group Therapy

So last night wasn't the disaster Michael and I envisioned. And that's a good thing. We had discussions and people asked some really good, challenging questions. It helped me dig even deeper into what I believe about marriage, roles (or the lack thereof), and my understanding of our group. Another refreshing part of the night was that one of the women in the group spoke first about what she believes about marriage and it was like she had crawled into my brain and knew exactly what I thought and felt. I've struggled to find women friends who have a similar view of marriage and men and women in general. One other woman in our group is also the same way, just not as vocal about it-- and I couldn't be more excited about it. I actually found friends who think like I do and I feel kind of at a loss of what to do because it's been so long since I've been around people like that. I don't think marriage roles/no roles will the center of every discussion I have with these women, but it at least took me to a deeper understanding and appreciation for these women. When I get frustrated in my marriage about whatever, I can expect that they will understand my thinking of marriage and give me advice/comfort accordingly. I don't have to worry about hearing "just be more loving," "the Bible calls women to submit," etc. So I'm excited to grow deeper with these friends and grow as a group. As I said before, we had great questions and I think if we continue that, we can really grow and strengthen each other as individuals, as well as a group. So, thank you Jesus for not having last night be stressful and frustrating!
(Also, I'm really working on and getting better at speaking in a group and being able to articulate myself and my thoughts in a coherent sentence/statement. Who knew this group would be like group therapy as well??)

Let's Be Adults About This... Hopefully

I'm at it again. I currently find myself on the edge of impending doom... okay, it's not that dramatic, but it feels that horrifying. What I'm talking about is a "discussion" of roles of men and women in marriage... this time with people who have researched and are married so this is going to hit REALLY close to home when we disagree. We managed to get through a discussion/debate/what-have-you about abortion without anyone flying off the handle, but that seems so minor in comparison to a discussion about marriage. The roles and views of men and women strike people at their core-- the foundations of their marriage and how they conduct their lives. I have a feeling this will either end quickly because no one will want to get into it, or it's going to be a disaster. I really hope it's not a disaster AND I hope we don't just stay on the surface. But I fear that neither one is very preventable. Some people have short fuses and others say they get heated no matter what the topic is... grrreeeaaaatttt... Intense people dealing with an intense discussion. Hopefully I'll leave pleasantly surprised that people could be mature and we can go away with "we agree to disagree and we still like each other." But I'm older and viewing marriage from a much different perspective, so hopefully I can speak my point of view without being immature or condescending (I had issues with that the last time I had a "debate" about men and women and church/home).
The discussion of roles is a seemingly uncomplicated one, until you start researching for whatever side you're on, and you see how one belief about men and women has an impact on other areas of belief about men and women. I hope to learn something new tonight, as well as teach something. If nothing else, I hope we can all gain a respect for each others' marriages and/or come along side anyone who needs or wants help/encouragement.
Our group strives to be one of community and we're slowly but surely getting there. It's taken a while for people to open up and share what is really on their hearts and weighing on their minds. I want to live life with these people, and growing deeper and digging to the heart of issues is the only way we will get there. Oh, and time. I have to remember that deep relationships cannot develop overnight or even over a weekend.
Okay, I've processed enough about this. It's quite possible I will have more to say/process after the night is over. Wish me luck!

I'm Not a Box Person

When I disagree with something or someone on a certain topic, I want to become as informed on both sides of the issue so I really know where I stand and can back up what I believe. I mentioned a few posts ago that my young marrieds group has started reading "Love and Respect." I also mentioned that I was hesitant about reading it because I didn't know the author and had never heard of the book... and my hesitations were partially correct. Both Michael and I have struggled through this book because of the foundational ideas that it is based on. But it's a growing experience. We're coming to a deeper understanding of what we believe as a couple and as individuals. We are expanding our knowledge. And, if nothing else, we are engaging in conversation with people who don't always think 100% (if even 50%) of the time. It stretches us and, hopefully, we stretch them. There are times people say things that I completely disagree with, but I can respect and appreciate that that is how they function and what they believe.
I still have yet to buy the book, because if I spend most of my time disagreeing with it, there's no sense in owning it. However, my friend lent me the book to read during the week. I was reading it last night and this morning on the bus and I had an epiphany:
I HATE BEING PUT IN A BOX. A woman box, a young-person box, a married box, an American box, etc. I hate that my gender, my life-stage, my nationality, or whatever dictates how I'm "supposed" to be, how all in that same category are like that.
I might not mind the box if I fit into it nicely. But I never have, and I probably never will. I am actually more apt to fight the box and try to rip it down, just to prove that I can, and especially to show that I DON'T fit.
Even as I was reading the book last night, Michael was sitting next to me as I began grumbling under my breath about "this isn't me," "this is just a stereotype," etc. I read him a passage of the book out-loud and said "never in my life have I had an interaction/discussion like this one in the book!" And he just looked at me and said "Kate, you're the first woman I know who doesn't act like that." I stared at him. And it dawned on me... this is the root of my feelings towards anything or anyone who tries to put me in a box: I am not the kind of person who fits nicely in a box. And when someone tries to tell me about the box, I resist it, feel nauseous, and start to freak out (at least on the inside).
I wrote a post that hit on this idea a little bit and spoke more about how it effects my daily interactions with people. But for some reason, Michael's comment last night really struck me. It isn't just that I'm "strong" or "intimidating," it's that I resist boxes, and resist others telling me who I am just because of X or Y reason. I'm not a box person, and I'm okay with that. But when I read books like this one, or "Captivating" (which I've mentioned before I didn't even finish reading), I resist it and actually get angry and frustrated because THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! So I'll continue to read the book, for the sake of knowledge and discussion, but I now have an inner-understanding of myself that I don't fit into this mold, I don't fit nicely into the box that he puts me and my marriage in. And hopefully through this whole experience I can come out of it a happier, more well-rounded person, and hopefully pass that on to others. And I'll also try to keep my grumbling down to a minimum.
(And as a disclaimer, he does have some good points, but they get buried underneath the box, so I have a hard time finding them and recognizing them as applicable or even true-- but I'm working on finding them and appreciating them, even if I don't agree with everything 100%).

Book Opinions

Okay, I need people's opinion on a couple of books.

First, in our young marrieds group, we started reading the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (how do you pronounce that??). It sounds like a good enough book, it definitely sparked a good discussion in our group on Sunday, but something was always nagging at me. For one, it's printed by Focus on the Family-- and I'm more apt to disagree with a majority of the things they teach, but I let that slide. I also know nothing of the author and his views of life and marriage, and couldn't find anything online about it, but I still wasn't convinced. I was on guard, but nothing I was seeing or hearing was showing me that I would not enjoy and (especially) agree with the book. But then lo and behold, I was reading through my google reader and came upon a blog by Complegalitarian that stated this about the book:

I also encourage you to read Love and Respect because it is the complementarian book that has the most thorough discussion of domain-based authority. In fact, it is this discussion that convicted me. For example, Emerson points out that men and women tend to view careers very differently. Women typically view work outside the home as a choice, while men view it as a fundamental responsibility. (This thinking came through on Complegalitarian blog a couple of weeks ago, in Wayne's "what is a Christian feminist" post. Women wanted the right to choose whether they worked and the right to choose the military. Yet, none of them expressed a willingness to assume primary responsibility for supporting a family or defending their country.) Male authority in marriage follows logically from this responsibility to protect and provide. Of all the complementarian books that have attempted to answer the “why does God command me to submit to my husband when I know we’re equals” question, it is Emerson’s discussion of responsibility and authority that I found to be compelling.

I have to admit, that scares me a bit. I worry when someone is "convinced" about traditional ideas. I understand that people want to learn more about it, and it is a bit unfair of me because I try to "convince" others about egalitarianism. And the idea of "domain-based authority" just makes my skin crawl. But what the bigger issue is, is that I haven't read the book, nor have I bought it yet, but I don't want to buy a book that I am going to spend my time yelling at and wanting to throw across the room because of the things I disagree with (I've done that with "women's Bible study" books).
However, I can also see that the author may talk about more traditional ways of conducting marriage, but it's not the focus of the book... I just don't know what to think about it. Because I also resist strongly (and usually gets me into trouble) when people try to put me (and especially me as a woman) into a box and call it "all women." (And "all men" for that matter. Michael rarely fits into the "Christian man" box.)
Anyway, all that to say, I'm worried that this book will cause me and Michael to implode and have to be the "weirdos" because we don't agree with it. But if it's a subtle message, I think I might be able to handle it if the overall message is okay.... but is it? Please, anyone who's read it, tell me what it's like before I go out and buy it (and possibly end up burning it).

There is another opinion I need. My sister-in-law mentioned to me that she wants a good book on faith, spirituality, and dealing with life. I'm coming up short (ha-ha everyone laugh... cuz I'm short...) with ideas and I don't know what book to get her. She's not a big reader, so she doesn't need anything too theological or anything like that. She just needs something simple, encouraging, and educational. Any suggestions? Any books you have liked in the past (or present) that she might find something in? Please give me all the suggestions you can!

Thanks for everyone's help!

Personal Growth

Personal growth... oh what a fun ordeal... NOT! It's been amazing how much self-realization has occurred since Michael and I got married. We have changed and adapted and grown in the course of almost (Wednesday) 7 months. Michael and I are growing as individuals, as well as a couple, and it's been amazing to look back and see the changes that have happened. But it's not fun to look ahead and see the changes that still need to be made. Michael and I are changing and growing and it's strengthening our relationship. We're becoming stronger, and we're becoming more aware of how what we do/say effects other people, especially each other. It's not always fun, but it is definitely necessary!

Marriage Vacation

Vacation is fun... this is something I learned this weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado! Michael and I took a long weekend and drove a mere hour and a half into the mountains and spent the entire weekend together enjoying a mountain/ski-town that neither one of us had ever been to.
It was fabulous! We were able to go because of the blessing of extra money in the bank account, so we were able to let loose and just enjoy each other's company while surrounded by God's beautiful creation.
We ate yummy food, drank yummy beer (yes, I found a beer I like!), and ate delicious organic Swiss chocolate fondue. What more could you ask for?
It was a great time to focus on us and really continue to connect as a married couple. We were able to smooth out a few kinks that had cropped up...
I wish we had the money to get away at least once a month, but alas, that is not possible. But we will definitely have to have nights like we did where we enjoy each other's company, talk about how we're feeling, and just be together without anything or anyone else distracting us.
And if you've never been to Breck, I would highly recommend it... well, I can't say anything about how it is in high ski season, but the off season is a great time to relax and hang with the locals! (Oh, and it's hit or miss about how much snow is present to go snowshoeing... we missed...)

The "Supposed To's" of Marriage and God

How much of a role does God really play in relationships? I have been rolling this thought over in my mind, trying to really process it and understand it. All during my high school years, I was taught "God needs to be the center of your relationship" but that idea was never really explained to me. What does that really mean? What does that look like? I tried all kinds of things, going to the same church, praying together, discussing the Bible, etc. But each individual act never seemed like enough. Just because we prayed together didn't mean God was the true center of our relationship.
However, I say all this, and I could say that (on a good day) God is the center of my marriage. We focus on God's will for us individually and as a couple, as well as (try to) pray together and read the Bible together.
Lately, though, those practices seem to have fallen by the wayside. We're busy, we're tired, we'd rather do something else... the excuses seem to pile up and God gets forgotten. But then so does the health and spiritual well-being of our marriage. I can see it change how we interact with one another and other people, as well as how we view our marriage one day to the next. There seems to be an absence, a void and negativity are present. We fight more, we overreact, we get defensive... makes for a lousy time, that's for sure.
But what does reading the Bible do? Could we still feel a deeper connection if we read a novel together? What is that spiritual aspect that is so important? We are busy people, and we make the time to spend with friends, work, church, etc., but not for reading the Bible together, or praying or doing any sort of devotional or study. How do we balance that, especially when Michael doesn't get home until 10pm and we're both too tired? Are we "supposed" to pray even though the act of closing our eyes to pray would make us fall asleep? Or are we "supposed" to get up early together to do something, with the same problem of falling asleep? How do busy people do it? Or are we "supposed" to set aside the time that we aren't working and are together, and spend a few minutes reading the Bible, praying, etc. But when Michael is working 4-5 nights a week, it gets difficult to even find the time to do that. But if something is a priority, we'll make it happen. So we'll see what we figure out!
God values relationships, so it makes sense that by taking the time to value our relationship with Him, He'll bless us and make our relationship a bit easier/closer. I know that praying and reading your Bible isn't the miracle cure to marriage hardships, but by growing closer together through reading the Bible sure puts you on the right path for it. When our relationship becomes nothing but fighting and resentment, something definitely needs to change. So here's to change and trying to refocus our relationship back on the one who brought us together. It wont be easy, but it will be good!

Where Have All the Men Gone?

I was going through the archive of my old blogs and found this one still as a draft. I don't know why I didn't publish it, so I thought now is as good of a time as ever:

(Note that this is back in October of '07.... although still an issue...) This last week at the young marrieds group at the church we attend when we are in Denver (I realize we are not married yet, but they let us join anyway!), we got into a discussion about the differences in how men and women relate to members of the same gender. Women tend to have no trouble at all making friends, finding a women's group to join, ladies get-togethers, etc. But when it comes to men, there seems to be a shortage of opportunities for them to meet other men. And with that, it is even more difficult to find guidance and direction and a mentor-type relationship with older men. I've heard that men's groups tend to always struggle in churches and men just don't seem to be interested in going to some get-together-- they'd just as soon sit on the couch and watch TV. And yet, in everything that I've heard, the men are desperate for male companionship. Women's company can only stretch so far. There's some level of understanding and interaction during sporting events that men just seem to understand more than women. And men need that kind of interaction. But where are these men who are wanting a friendship? Is it socially (culturally and at church) unacceptable for men to be vulnerable enough to open themselves up and ask for friendship from another man? Are men just too busy to have time for other men? Can men function alone, or just with their wives? I know that friendships can be formed between men when couples are friends with other couples, and that's great! But what about individual friendships? Ones that don't need their wives or other people as the catalyst to start them?

My Husband is Gonna Be a House-Husband

I have finally run into the differences between marriages with my friends. I didn't have much ground being "only engaged" or "just dating" when it came to understanding the complexity and the deep issues that really can only be experienced in marriage. It has been interesting talking with our friends at church and in our small group about the differences in our marriages-- how decisions are made, who handles housework, etc. It's no surprise that Michael and I are nowhere near the majority-- I actually question if there is anyone like us in the young marrieds group, even at a church like Pathways. We hear people talk about their marriages, and why and how decisions are made and we sit back thinking "we would never do it that way! What about the other person's feelings/opinions/desires?"
Of course, we're only 2 months into this marriage, so maybe after a bit more time we might fall more into the traditional norm, but it doesn't seem likely. I'm sure it helps that I hate cleaning and doing housework, so I refuse to do it all by myself; and Michael doesn't expect me to, just because I'm a woman. He actually cares more about clutter and a clean house than I do (except I'm starting to lean more his way because our house isn't big enough to be dirty-- it takes over in no time!) so he is more apt to do the cleaning.
I don't know if I've mentioned it before in here, but I love to cook. With that, it would probably be expected that I cook all the meals. Well, I married a keeper because Michael loves to cook as well and loves to learn. I've taught him stuff, and he enjoys cooking dinner just as much as I do. He currently is working at the print shop he was at a few months ago to get some money before he starts school. He gets off work earlier than me, and gets home way before. I came home last week on my third day of work to him making dinner. (I might also mention he was wearing nothing but one of my aprons... he makes me laugh so hard!)
We trade off, even share the duties when we both get off work at the same time. When Michael starts school, he will get off at 12:30 so if he can't get a part-time job-- either he can't find one or school is too stressful, he'll be a house-husband. And he's totally okay with that. He's actually looking forward to it! His advisers told him that the first 7 months are the hardest, so it's looking like a house-husband is what he's going to be! It'll be an interesting adjustment and a very big reality check since what we're about to do is not very common, especially in Christian circles. But that's what is also exciting-- we're embarking on a journey of our own without anyone putting their own ideas or thoughts on us; we can choose what we want and can succeed and fail in our own right. We're excited and completely freaked out at the same time, but it's good-- that's how we grow as individuals and as a couple. We have to turn towards each other during this time to get through the rough parts and praise the good parts. So here's to living differently! Let's see how this goes!

Married Life

Hello blogging world. I am no longer writing as Katie McKay, but as Katie Bennett. The wedding went beautifully! It was so moving and went off without a hitch. I'll get the pics soon, and post a few of the best on here! It's still really weird thinking of myself as married, not just dating or engaged. The apartment we're in is my house, not my parents', not my temporary college living situation, but my house with my things and my husband and our life! Crazy! It took us a while to figure out where to put everything we got, but we got it figured out and it looks like a livable house! We've been married for a week and 3 days and it's already been an adventure. It's great to have friends who have known us as engaged and then are there for us as we are embarking on our married journey. We can lean on them for support and encouragement and insight, as well as we can finally really understand and help them when they need it. Michael and I have tried to learn healthy things to do in our relationship, and are excited to pass those ideas along, even to our friends who have been married for almost 6 years. I'm so excited about our friends who we have made and the great relationships we will continue to develop over the coming months and years. I know marriage won't always be easy, but having a great support system makes the whole thing a lot more bearable.

Happy Spring and Wedding!

At this time on Saturday, I will no longer be Katie McKay, but Katie Bennett. Family has started to come into town, so I won't have another chance to be on here for a while. So wish me luck! And happy first day of spring! It's 70 degrees here-- perfect weather... I just wish it would be this nice on Saturday (it's supposed to be cold and rainy). See ya on the flip side! ;-)

Cinco Dias!

It's only 5 days to the wedding and I finally got my vows written. WHEW! It was a huge deal for me-- I wanted them to be perfect and to express exactly how I feel... It was not an easy feat. But I got it done and they turned out remarkably well! (Let me just say, there are a lot of cheesy and stupid vow examples out there on the internet...) Anyway, now that that's done, I just have to clean my room, pack the rest of my things, and finish helping around the house. Oh, and throw in a few shifts at work. I'm going to be quite busy this week, but I'm excited for it all. It's all finally happening and falling into place. I wish tomorrow were Saturday!
I was having a conversation with my mom earlier about marriage advice-- which was all very helpful and obviously spoken from experience. It's been interesting talking to people who Michael and I are friends with who are married and hear what they were told right before they got married. Marriage is a journey and an experience unlike anything else Michael and I have ever done. We can take what we've witnessed, heard about, and started to experience, and take those things to try to understand marriage-- but it's still going to be completely different than we could ever imagine! I hope we're not going to be taken off guard too much, but I think that's inevitable.
So those of you who actually read my blog, please pray for us as we embark on this adventure. It's not always going to be fun or easy, but I know it's going to be wonderful! We're going to grow together as a couple and as individuals. It's going to be awesome!

Sex Isn't Why I'm Getting Married

I'd like to announce that it is only 10 days till the wedding and Michael and I are married! We went yesterday to the county court house to pick up our marriage license. Did you know it only costs $10 to get married? If we didn't want a ceremony or any sort of celebration, then we could get married for just $10... interesting.
We met with our officiant the other day to go over our final plan for the ceremony. During it, we discussed what we thought marriage was and what it meant to us. It was interesting to me because afterwards I realized that in all the discussion, sex was never even alluded to; and yet, that is the focus of the biggest celebrations around marriage. Our definition and idea of marriage was about love, connection, the joining of two lives, a continuation of a journey, the beginning of a new adventure... the list went on and on. Nowhere was sex even talked about as a reason we were getting married or why we were excited to be married (although that is very exciting, don't get me wrong). But sex is not the reason we're getting married. We want to join our lives together and experience life and the ups and downs of it together forever. We just happen to be able to have sex. I want sex to express our love and devotion to to each other, to bring a deeper level of intimacy to our relationship. I don't want it to define us, but to be the expression of us. That we are committed and we love each other with our whole being-- that's what sex is to us.
I had my bachelorette party this last weekend, which was nothing but sex jokes and lingerie. The focus was not, even at the bridal shower, about what marriage is and the realities of it. I guess it's easier to focus on the fun and exciting sides. Thankfully, we've made friends with other married couples who consistently and honestly show us the realities of marriage. I also have had conversations with my mom about it, as well as growing up in a household where my parents were in marriage counseling for at least 15 years. They are good now, but not after years of hard, challenging struggle.
I'm trying not to wear too-tinted of rose shaded glasses, but I guess that I'll really just have to learn once I'm in it! I can't wait to be married, and I am also terrified. Who knows what it will really be like? But I have complete faith in God that he has brought me and Michael together and we can get through any hardships that come our way. It may not be done quickly or easily, but we will get through them together. I can't wait for that part of our lives to begin! (I'm just not looking forward to the stress and chaos that out-of-town relatives will bring to my parents for the wedding)

The Countdown Begins

It's a mere 27 days until the wedding... needless to say, stress is running high. Thankfully, our biggest stress has been taken care of-- we've found a place to live! We are living in a basement apartment of the neighborhood pastor of our church. Sounds weird, but we really like her and her husband, so we're excited. The neighborhood it's in is also fabulous! We were really sad to leave Fort Collins because we loved the feel of the neighborhoods, Old Town, and the laid-back attitude of everyone. Well, last night we were driving home from the pre-marrieds group held at our future residence and found an area just like Old Town Fort Collins. It had a lot of independent shops, it was close to the house (walking/biking distance), and just so cute!
So speaking of wedding and marriage, the issue of roles and responsibilities has come up. Michael and I have talked extensively about it and have an understanding of what is expected of each other. We have agreed on it being egalitarian-- that we are equals in every part of the relationship. But how will that work out? What makes it that different than other relationships? It seems so normal to be equals and that we'd make decisions and be no one being a "leader"-- that we play to our strengths and can come together when one person is struggling.
If I happen to be stronger in prayer than Michael, it shouldn't be expected that just because he is a man, that he should be "in charge" and the initiator of any prayer we say. And I'll be the first to say how insightful and wise Michael is when it comes to the Bible and discussions-- but it's not because he's a man, but because God has blessed him with that gift. But sometimes, one of us may be feeling down or struggling in an area of our lives and the other person may become more insightful or more initiative with prayer.
We go through seasons, and if there is no expectation that one person must be the one to fulfill some duty or responsibility, then there is more freedom and openness and intimacy that can be achieved in the relationship. I would think that if a man thinks that it is his job and sole responsibility to be the leader, whether spiritual or "of the house," it puts so much stress on fulfilling that duty instead of being able to go with the flow and be able to be humble in not being the leader all the time. But to each his own, I guess. It's not the kind of relationship for us, but I guess it can work for some people. So wish us luck as we get closer to the wedding! It seems so far away yet so close!

Denver Here I Come!

I have written quite a few blogs about moving to London... well, that's not gonna happen for a while. God finally placed a peace on my heart about not going right away. I still have the desire to go, so after Michael and I are married for a couple years (and he finishes school), we'll re-evaluate our situation. In the meantime, I have made the decision to move down to Denver, CO. It's about an hour and a half south of Fort Collins, where I currently reside. I will graduate on December 15th and move home with my parents. I love my parents, so it hopefully wont be too bad! Also, Michael is already in Denver at least 3 days out of the week, and there are a LOT more work opportunities for me down there!

We have had to make the difficult decision to leave Fort Collins, our friends, and our church. But God is taking us on a journey that requires sacrifice and obedience-- and we want to be as aligned with God's will as we possibly can. We have already been talking about how we will take the ideals and callings that we have learned about and heard from God to our new surroundings. We want to continue to be missional to those around us, to live in a community where we can connect with as many people as possible, and to find a church that will continue to help us grow and connect. We also want a church that encourages their attendees to go out and reach their communities.

Well, for Easter this last year, Michael and I went with my dad (it was snowing really hard so my mom decided to stay home and sit by the fire) to the church they attend. We absolutely loved it! So we have started attending that church and have begun to get connected there. We joined the young marrieds group at the church, because once we're married we're no longer single (so we can't join that group) and we wont be in college (can't join that group either). There are a lot of groups, but we see it as an opportunity to get to know even more people! The young marrieds group has actually been a real blessing to us. We read this book called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman. I would highly recommend it for anyone, no matter how long or short they've been together. It has amazing insight and helps couples realize parts of themselves and their marriage, and most importantly how they fight, and helps couples fix those problems. The group and the book have been very good for us as we are trying to learn and grow as much as possible before we tie the knot. Hearing couples talk about the struggles they have, what they fight about, how they deal with difficult issues, and being real with one another has been more beneficial than we could have ever imagined. We have also found other Christian friends. Both Michael and I have struggled with having friends, so having a place where we can connect with others who are in a similar situation in life is very exciting! We're by far the youngest people there and the only engaged couple ;-) Thankfully the leaders of the group were more than willing to let us join the group as an engaged couple!
We are excited to start the next phase of our lives and see where God takes us and see who He sends along in our lives. There will be more updates as moving actually happens (I'm trying to pack and take stuff home early so I don't have a recreation of what happened this summer!) and when the wedding gets closer! So now I gotta go find a job... what fun!

He Popped the Question and I Said "YES!"

I would like to officially announce to the blogging world that I am ENGAGED!!! YAY! Even though I think I've already talked to the only people who read this, I'm announcing it anyway! Why not, right? It happened on Thursday Sept. 13th. Here's how it went down: I was working that night and my boyfriend (now fiance ;-), Michael (and fellow-blogger), and I were planning on meeting at my house to go to this fun restaurant that only serves desserts and wine. However, when I got to my house, there was a note taped to my door telling me to meet him at the restaurant instead. I got there and the owner handed me another note telling me to meet him around the corner at this place with fountains that has chairs and tables to sit and people-watch. So I walked in my heals over there and there was a table set up with a white tablecloth, flowers, and a laptop. I got to it and it said "click here" so I did. A movie started with our song (Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol) and a slideshow of pictures of us. At the end, it said "Turn Around." And Michael was walking up. He had tears in his eyes and told me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It took a few moments (I was having issues breathing properly) for me to squeak out a "yes! Of course! I love you too!" After we finally got our breath back and could focus, he informed me that instead of walking back to the restaurant, he had made reservations at The Melting Pot (a really nice fondue restaurant)! We made all of the initial phone-calls and headed over to my sister's house to show her the ring. After getting our picture taken and jumping up and down in excitement, Michael and I headed over to the Melting Pot. We ate sooo much food! But boy oh boy was it good! It was the best night of my life! I love Michael so much and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him! (I just realized this is the first picture of me I've ever posted... now everyone knows what Michael and I look like!)

Women: Submission

So the here is the anticipated "submission" blog. I have a few things to say about it. The Ephesians passage is very popular for keeping women in submission and men in power in the relationship. Here's the passage:

22Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

~Ephesians 5:22-33

This passage embodies the entire reason we had this discussion in the first place. I don't have much more to say about this because my other blogs pretty much sum up my feelings about the subject. However, I will tell you about some of the things I learned about this passage and shared with my Bible study. First, we discussed the meaning of submission. Everyone else defined it as "respect" which I can totally agree with. However, when they were talking about how relationships/marriages should work, it was the women following blindly behind what the husband is passionate about and called to. The feeling I got about their definition of respect was letting the man get his way and make all the decisions, and not disputing his decision. When looking at the dictionary definition of submit, this is what I found:

sub·mit /səbˈmɪt/ –verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others
4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose
5. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
6. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
7. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.

It was pointed out that I saw and talked about submission in a negative light. When looking at this definition and also how I have seen it work in relationships, I don't see how I couldn't. I know and understand that for a gazillion years, the church has taught that women should submit to their husbands and that is what God has called all women to do, but is that necessarily true? For a long time, the church in America supported slavery and the discrimination of black people. Churches wouldn't let African-American people through their doors. They did not see them as equals, even though God created them equal. Today, churches no longer deny African-Americans access to their church-- they changed their minds and realized that God created all people the same, no matter what their skin color was. Why can't the church change their mind about women as well?

And speaking of the treatment of women in regards to the treatment of African-Americans, I was told an interesting analogy about what women are doing to themselves when they support inequality in relationships-- it is like an African American supporting slavery during the Civil Rights Movement... Why wouldn't women want to have an equal say? Why would they want to give all of the power to men? I understand that women have been taught that they need to submit and that may be a conviction of theirs, but I do not understand how, when faced with the idea of equality, they resist it.
I have to admit that at one point in my life (not too long ago, actually) I believed what I'm now against. However, I started to research this topic and really look into how I felt about the subject after a casual conversation with a great friend of mine. We were talking about relationships and what our ideal relationships are. I mentioned that I wanted the man as a leader, and she asked me why. I tried to give her an answer but I'm sure it was non-understandable. She said that she didn't want a man to rule over her, that she is a strong woman with her own ideas and her own passions. I referred her to another friend who had a lot more answers than I could give. I ended up talking to my "referral"-friend about it and that's what really got the ball rolling. I have since made up my own mind and done my own research. The whole point of this is, when confronted with a different idea and a different way of thinking (especially a way that gives me more of a say and role in a relationship), I did not run away or resist it-- I embraced it and took it on myself to explore and discover my beliefs. I could just as easily gone the other way and came to believe even stronger that women should be submissive to men. But I made up my own mind-- I wish that all women would do the same. Actually, I wish everyone would do that and make up their own minds about everything the church teaches (but that's a whole other blog post idea... and I'm not getting into that now). How much more freeing is life when you own it and embrace your convictions as your own. They're not all going to be the same-- it'd be boring if they were-- but at least everyone would know why they believe what they believe.

Now that all that is out of the way, here was my explanation of the Ephesians passage. First off, the book of Ephesians is a letter. Each verse was not it's own separate idea or theology--it is one long idea within the whole letter. Taking one verse out of a bunch (don't ask me to count!) is pretty much "Bible dipping." (I wrote a whole blog about that a while ago.) People pick and choose verses out of the Bible to support their ideas, giving no room for God to move and actually speak to them. God speaks of love, respect, and grace throughout the entire Bible, so why would those verses not speak of those as well? The verses must also be taken in context.

That's the other point: The letter to the Ephesians was a letter to a specific culture and city. The people of Ephesis (is that right?) had laws about women being submissive and that men rule women. So when Paul told women to be submissive to their husbands, he was telling them to follow the law. God calls us to follow His laws, but to also follow the laws of the country/city we're living in. And if we break the laws of our government, we are breaking the law of God. If the women all decided to stop being submissive in that culture, there would be mass chaos and mayhem. They would be out of control and not constructive in changing their lives. However, women in the US have full rights... so wanting and demanding equal rights is not against the law. The law actually encourages it. But women aren't embracing that. They are taking their equality to the voting booths, but not to their own homes. Isn't their homes the place that has more meaning? Being able to vote is useless if you aren't equal in the eyes of your husband. More than likely, and I'm just speculating here, submissive wives' views in politics greatly weighs or even mirrors their husbands' views, so they really aren't having a different voice anyway. But that's just speculation.

Last but not least, the man's call. They are not called to dominate over their wives. They are called to love and respect their wives as they love their bodies. I don't see men demeaning their bodies, putting them down, making their bodies inferior to their mind. They treat it with respect and love and spend hours at the gym/working out making it all that it can be. That doesn't sound like domination to me! Men are called to lift their wives up, help them along their journey in becoming the women they were called to be, to respect their wives and love, see, and treat them as Christ sees and loves them-- not as lesser beings, but as one and the same. Christ was not about power and domination, so why are men "called" to do so? That is one thing I can say I do not understand. But women are also called to respect their husbands, so let's not forget that. But respect is not interchangeable with submission. Respecting your husband/wife does not mean they are better than the other. It is an expression of love. If you love your wife/husband, you will respect them. Simple as that!

All in all, the main point in all of this blogging and discussion is that women are equal. (did I really have to say that?) And they need to fight for the right to be so in their relationships. They need to stand up for themselves. They are not called to rule over their husbands as much as their husbands are not called to rule over their wives. They are called to mutual respect and love. They should submit to each other and learn to compromise. And women should stand up together and encourage each other to live the equal life that God created all women to live. Men and women are called to love as Christ loves the church-- you do that, and you can't go wrong!

Here are a few websites that have more info on equality in relationships, the church, etc.:

http://www.cbeinternational.org/new/free_articles/bib_eq_101.shtml

http://www.cbeinternational.org/new/free_articles/award_winning.shtml

http://www.jesuscreed.org/?cat=27

Women: Created as Equals and Roles in Relationships

God created men and women as equals
Also, it was discussed that Christ was the head of the church, so men are the head of women........ connection? I don't see it either. My rebuttal (I mean response :-) to that was that Jesus was the bridegroom and the church is the bride, and if taken in the equality light, they (the bride and groom) are equal so no one is over the other. Christ is God, and God is over everything and without gender, so equating a male dominance based on God being over everything makes no sense. If God is over everything, He is over everyone, including women. So with the previous idea, who should be over who? (or is it whom?)-- wait, am I starting to see a position of equality? I think I am! God created men and women equally-- Eve was Adam's ezer [one who is truly fitting and fully adequate- just right; means 'one who helps'; it does not refer to someone who is secondary or inferior; 'like him'; literally 'as agreeing to him or his counterpart']-- his equal. God wants men and women to live in harmony with each other, neither one being better than the other, but fulfilling their unique call from God, with no regard to their biological makeup:

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for all of you are one in Christ Jesus."
~ Galatians 3:26-28

Men and women are equals in marriage because God created men and women as equals and views them as equals. God looks at their hearts and calls them as His children, and does not change His calling because someone is a man or as a woman. God does not talk to someone more or less because they have a penis or vagina. If they are seeking God's heart, a relationship will form and they will walk in God's will for their lives, as well as their marriage. And a marriage is not, as John MacArther says, that a man is like the sun, shining God's full glory, and that women are like the moon, shining a reflected glory from men. (I think I threw up a little in my mouth) (Thanks to Molly for that little tid-bit!)
Also, if God made women as equals to men (which everyone agreed with), why would women become less in a marriage? Why would they not be as much as a person or have as much of a say the instant they have a ring on their left hand? BOO-YA! No one one had a response to that and the topic was quickly changed! (I won that! wait, this wasn't a debate...)
But seriously, how can they believe that women and men are created equal but they are not equal in marriage? I mentioned that it was only after the fall that women were told that men would rule over them. It is because of their fallen state that men's pride and egos would take over and oppress women. It may not go to the extreme of abuse, but if you're keeping a woman in the kitchen and only letting her out to take care of the children and clean the house, how is that not a form of oppression? Women may choose to be a stay-at-home mom, which I want to do someday (screw having a career!), but it is the woman's choice, not her duty to do so. It is a calling on their life and their role in the marriage that a woman does so, not a God-given role for every woman everywhere. I have a friend, in fact, who once she graduates will be a female chemist. Her boyfriend (and soon-to-be husband) is in school to be an accountant. Can you guess who will be making more money? They'll be well-off financially, but she will be more powerful and make more money in the workplace. God has given her that talent and that passion. Should she reject that because "the church" says she should be a certain way? She may eventually take time off to be a mother, but she may not. Is that wrong? I don't think so. If God calls her to a certain career and not to stay at home, then she's actually going against God's calling on her life if she stays at home. She may find the cure for cancer (am I putting her future on a pedestal?) and that is God's purpose for her life, but because she chose to do what someone else told her she "should" do because she was a woman, she will not fulfill what God set her out to do. I know that's an extreme example, but on a much smaller and realistic scale, that's what "the church" is telling women to do-- who cares about your passions/calling/desires, it's all about your husband and his calling and passions; stay at home and be the perfect housewife and God will bless that because that is your God-given role. If women are so different, why would the church tell them all to be the same? Wait, it's men who are in charge...

Well, that's the end of part three! Stay tuned for part four!