Bible Study is Group Therapy

So last night wasn't the disaster Michael and I envisioned. And that's a good thing. We had discussions and people asked some really good, challenging questions. It helped me dig even deeper into what I believe about marriage, roles (or the lack thereof), and my understanding of our group. Another refreshing part of the night was that one of the women in the group spoke first about what she believes about marriage and it was like she had crawled into my brain and knew exactly what I thought and felt. I've struggled to find women friends who have a similar view of marriage and men and women in general. One other woman in our group is also the same way, just not as vocal about it-- and I couldn't be more excited about it. I actually found friends who think like I do and I feel kind of at a loss of what to do because it's been so long since I've been around people like that. I don't think marriage roles/no roles will the center of every discussion I have with these women, but it at least took me to a deeper understanding and appreciation for these women. When I get frustrated in my marriage about whatever, I can expect that they will understand my thinking of marriage and give me advice/comfort accordingly. I don't have to worry about hearing "just be more loving," "the Bible calls women to submit," etc. So I'm excited to grow deeper with these friends and grow as a group. As I said before, we had great questions and I think if we continue that, we can really grow and strengthen each other as individuals, as well as a group. So, thank you Jesus for not having last night be stressful and frustrating!
(Also, I'm really working on and getting better at speaking in a group and being able to articulate myself and my thoughts in a coherent sentence/statement. Who knew this group would be like group therapy as well??)

Let's Be Adults About This... Hopefully

I'm at it again. I currently find myself on the edge of impending doom... okay, it's not that dramatic, but it feels that horrifying. What I'm talking about is a "discussion" of roles of men and women in marriage... this time with people who have researched and are married so this is going to hit REALLY close to home when we disagree. We managed to get through a discussion/debate/what-have-you about abortion without anyone flying off the handle, but that seems so minor in comparison to a discussion about marriage. The roles and views of men and women strike people at their core-- the foundations of their marriage and how they conduct their lives. I have a feeling this will either end quickly because no one will want to get into it, or it's going to be a disaster. I really hope it's not a disaster AND I hope we don't just stay on the surface. But I fear that neither one is very preventable. Some people have short fuses and others say they get heated no matter what the topic is... grrreeeaaaatttt... Intense people dealing with an intense discussion. Hopefully I'll leave pleasantly surprised that people could be mature and we can go away with "we agree to disagree and we still like each other." But I'm older and viewing marriage from a much different perspective, so hopefully I can speak my point of view without being immature or condescending (I had issues with that the last time I had a "debate" about men and women and church/home).
The discussion of roles is a seemingly uncomplicated one, until you start researching for whatever side you're on, and you see how one belief about men and women has an impact on other areas of belief about men and women. I hope to learn something new tonight, as well as teach something. If nothing else, I hope we can all gain a respect for each others' marriages and/or come along side anyone who needs or wants help/encouragement.
Our group strives to be one of community and we're slowly but surely getting there. It's taken a while for people to open up and share what is really on their hearts and weighing on their minds. I want to live life with these people, and growing deeper and digging to the heart of issues is the only way we will get there. Oh, and time. I have to remember that deep relationships cannot develop overnight or even over a weekend.
Okay, I've processed enough about this. It's quite possible I will have more to say/process after the night is over. Wish me luck!

I'm Not a Box Person

When I disagree with something or someone on a certain topic, I want to become as informed on both sides of the issue so I really know where I stand and can back up what I believe. I mentioned a few posts ago that my young marrieds group has started reading "Love and Respect." I also mentioned that I was hesitant about reading it because I didn't know the author and had never heard of the book... and my hesitations were partially correct. Both Michael and I have struggled through this book because of the foundational ideas that it is based on. But it's a growing experience. We're coming to a deeper understanding of what we believe as a couple and as individuals. We are expanding our knowledge. And, if nothing else, we are engaging in conversation with people who don't always think 100% (if even 50%) of the time. It stretches us and, hopefully, we stretch them. There are times people say things that I completely disagree with, but I can respect and appreciate that that is how they function and what they believe.
I still have yet to buy the book, because if I spend most of my time disagreeing with it, there's no sense in owning it. However, my friend lent me the book to read during the week. I was reading it last night and this morning on the bus and I had an epiphany:
I HATE BEING PUT IN A BOX. A woman box, a young-person box, a married box, an American box, etc. I hate that my gender, my life-stage, my nationality, or whatever dictates how I'm "supposed" to be, how all in that same category are like that.
I might not mind the box if I fit into it nicely. But I never have, and I probably never will. I am actually more apt to fight the box and try to rip it down, just to prove that I can, and especially to show that I DON'T fit.
Even as I was reading the book last night, Michael was sitting next to me as I began grumbling under my breath about "this isn't me," "this is just a stereotype," etc. I read him a passage of the book out-loud and said "never in my life have I had an interaction/discussion like this one in the book!" And he just looked at me and said "Kate, you're the first woman I know who doesn't act like that." I stared at him. And it dawned on me... this is the root of my feelings towards anything or anyone who tries to put me in a box: I am not the kind of person who fits nicely in a box. And when someone tries to tell me about the box, I resist it, feel nauseous, and start to freak out (at least on the inside).
I wrote a post that hit on this idea a little bit and spoke more about how it effects my daily interactions with people. But for some reason, Michael's comment last night really struck me. It isn't just that I'm "strong" or "intimidating," it's that I resist boxes, and resist others telling me who I am just because of X or Y reason. I'm not a box person, and I'm okay with that. But when I read books like this one, or "Captivating" (which I've mentioned before I didn't even finish reading), I resist it and actually get angry and frustrated because THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! So I'll continue to read the book, for the sake of knowledge and discussion, but I now have an inner-understanding of myself that I don't fit into this mold, I don't fit nicely into the box that he puts me and my marriage in. And hopefully through this whole experience I can come out of it a happier, more well-rounded person, and hopefully pass that on to others. And I'll also try to keep my grumbling down to a minimum.
(And as a disclaimer, he does have some good points, but they get buried underneath the box, so I have a hard time finding them and recognizing them as applicable or even true-- but I'm working on finding them and appreciating them, even if I don't agree with everything 100%).

Book Opinions

Okay, I need people's opinion on a couple of books.

First, in our young marrieds group, we started reading the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (how do you pronounce that??). It sounds like a good enough book, it definitely sparked a good discussion in our group on Sunday, but something was always nagging at me. For one, it's printed by Focus on the Family-- and I'm more apt to disagree with a majority of the things they teach, but I let that slide. I also know nothing of the author and his views of life and marriage, and couldn't find anything online about it, but I still wasn't convinced. I was on guard, but nothing I was seeing or hearing was showing me that I would not enjoy and (especially) agree with the book. But then lo and behold, I was reading through my google reader and came upon a blog by Complegalitarian that stated this about the book:

I also encourage you to read Love and Respect because it is the complementarian book that has the most thorough discussion of domain-based authority. In fact, it is this discussion that convicted me. For example, Emerson points out that men and women tend to view careers very differently. Women typically view work outside the home as a choice, while men view it as a fundamental responsibility. (This thinking came through on Complegalitarian blog a couple of weeks ago, in Wayne's "what is a Christian feminist" post. Women wanted the right to choose whether they worked and the right to choose the military. Yet, none of them expressed a willingness to assume primary responsibility for supporting a family or defending their country.) Male authority in marriage follows logically from this responsibility to protect and provide. Of all the complementarian books that have attempted to answer the “why does God command me to submit to my husband when I know we’re equals” question, it is Emerson’s discussion of responsibility and authority that I found to be compelling.

I have to admit, that scares me a bit. I worry when someone is "convinced" about traditional ideas. I understand that people want to learn more about it, and it is a bit unfair of me because I try to "convince" others about egalitarianism. And the idea of "domain-based authority" just makes my skin crawl. But what the bigger issue is, is that I haven't read the book, nor have I bought it yet, but I don't want to buy a book that I am going to spend my time yelling at and wanting to throw across the room because of the things I disagree with (I've done that with "women's Bible study" books).
However, I can also see that the author may talk about more traditional ways of conducting marriage, but it's not the focus of the book... I just don't know what to think about it. Because I also resist strongly (and usually gets me into trouble) when people try to put me (and especially me as a woman) into a box and call it "all women." (And "all men" for that matter. Michael rarely fits into the "Christian man" box.)
Anyway, all that to say, I'm worried that this book will cause me and Michael to implode and have to be the "weirdos" because we don't agree with it. But if it's a subtle message, I think I might be able to handle it if the overall message is okay.... but is it? Please, anyone who's read it, tell me what it's like before I go out and buy it (and possibly end up burning it).

There is another opinion I need. My sister-in-law mentioned to me that she wants a good book on faith, spirituality, and dealing with life. I'm coming up short (ha-ha everyone laugh... cuz I'm short...) with ideas and I don't know what book to get her. She's not a big reader, so she doesn't need anything too theological or anything like that. She just needs something simple, encouraging, and educational. Any suggestions? Any books you have liked in the past (or present) that she might find something in? Please give me all the suggestions you can!

Thanks for everyone's help!

Men Don't Need a Chore Chart

Gender-role-reversal-- it's becoming more of a common occurrence for men to stay home to be househusbands, if not stay-at-home-dads. I read this blog recently that talked about an article he read and the comments that people (mostly women) left that reflect the feelings towards men who stay at home instead of work.
The responses he posted made me have the same reaction that he did. Women talked as if their husbands were 5 year old children who needed a chore-chart to make sure he completed everything, and if he didn't, to give him grace and understanding. I'm not sure if there are websites out there for stay at home moms where men are reading them and commenting about needing to communicate and have understanding. If there are, that's great, but I can assume they are few and far between. Women still fall under the stereotype that they intrinsically know how to keep a clean house, like doing housework, and are the only real ones who can do it the "right" way. Michael knows how to clean dishes-- he's not an idiot. He knows how to sweep, vacuum, wipe down counters-- he doesn't need me to stand over him and make sure he's doing it "right."
There was a website he linked to, http://www.parenteam.com/ . It is a support website for working mothers with stay-at-home-husbands. If a couple is needing support and a resource for the husband, then that's great. But it sure seems like it expresses more that men need help in understanding what to do (again, that women don't need that help).
As a bit of an experiment to see the difference in stay at home moms and stay at home dads. I searched "stay at home moms" I got a whole list of ways for moms to make money while at home, how much staying at home costs, and the very last listing on the first page was a website for resources, activities, etc for stay at home mom. However, when I typed in "stay at home dads" I got a whole list of articles, references, website devoted to stay at home dads, etc. Again, I'm seeing a big gap between what women should naturally do and what men need help doing. There was a link to a study researching stay at home dads and their psychological well-being. Are they doing that for women? Being "super-mom," I'm sure, takes a toll on some women-- working all day and having to come home and be the one in charge of the house--kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. I learned in one of my classes in college about what this phenomenon of women working and coming home to work again. It's called her second shift. And if she is also in school, it's called her third shift. That men aren't expected or encouraged to be the ones to stay home if the woman wants to work, it is kind of upsetting.
It's interesting the looks Michael and I get when we tell people I'm the one working and he's the one at home being a house-husband. It's "weird" to people. It shouldn't be! I know there is a shift, and I think that's great. It's becoming more common, which will make it less-weird to people, but it still has a long way to go. Men who stay home should stand up for themselves and not feel any less of a man for doing so. Most people, as I have learned, expect that a man is only home because he's unemployed, injured, or some other reason that he has to be-- not because he wants to or chooses to. Men have to fight others' perceptions of him staying home and why he is going so. If women are stay at home moms, no one questions it. No one asks why they're not working. They also know a lot more stay at home moms than stay at home dads, so it's even more difficult for men to find support from his peers.
I hope more men are willing to speak out about that they are just as capable as women in maintaining a household, caring for children, taking them to soccer practice, etc. I understand the need for resources because it's not as common for men to stay home, so they might feel lost. But I also think they should just do what comes naturally. If it's nice outside, take the kid to the park, if it's lunch time, feed the kid! If they honestly don't know what to do, it would be understandable if they sought the answer online or even through his wife. But men can learn to cook dinner-- even if they ruin it the first few times, no one started out cooking without making a mistake or two. We need to be giving men more credit than their getting, as well as needing to challenge men to rise up to the challenge and put their whole heart into it. Even if the man is unemployed and that's the reason he's home, take pride in it-- stay at home moms do! And don't treat couples/men/women any different if the woman is the one working and the man is at home. They're no different than anyone else. Michael is definitely no less of a man or a husband because he stays home-- it is actually truly a blessing because I don't have to worry about doing it all when I get home from work!

Sex Sells Coffee... And It Makes Me Sick!

During my brief moments of down-time during my job, I have been able to get through my blog reader daily! It's quite an accomplishment! With that, I have been able to sit and actually read a bunch of the blogs that I subscribe to rather than just mark them all as read because I don't have time to read all 153 of them (this is after days or weeks of not reading any blogs).
All that to say, I have found a blog post that made me want to fly to Washington state and burn down a couple buildings. It then linked to a newspaper article that explained more about the issue that was extremely helpful in understanding both sides-- why the coffee shops do it, and the response of those who disagree.
The topic: there have been more and more coffee shops that have started employing young girls/women to work as baristas wearing bikinis... even just writing that makes my up-chuck reflexes activate. Some coffee shops that have seen their sales go down have jumped on the bandwagon (no pun intended) and exploited their female employees to the same discrimination. The sickest thing I read was one owner, "Wheeler, who said he employs his own 17-year-old daughter at a stand, doesn't understand what the fuss is about." I'm sorry, that's your teenage daughter that you're teaching to exploit her body to make a few extra bucks making coffee. What kind of impact is that going to make on her later in life? The article compared the business model to that of Hooters. Well, since they do it, I guess it's okay.
Just like many people who object to the business practices, I wondered how what they are wearing, or not wearing, can be legal or sanitary. Well, here's what the article said:

Gainza got a jolt a few weeks ago while stuck in traffic on Highway 99. She spotted a barista with bright blue stickers strategically placed on her chest standing at a stand's drive-up window.

As long as genitals and nipples are covered, police say the stands do not violate indecent exposure laws. Health officials and state Labor and Industries officials say there are no clothing requirements for baristas.

No clothing requirements for baristas? That seems like a huge loop-hole, doesn't it? That rule, or lack thereof, seems to be asking for this kind of thing to happen.
The other thing that breaks my heart even more, is that there are enough girls out there who are willing to exploit their bodies, and think nothing of it. How could they truly have good self-esteem and a good self image if they are subjecting themselves to the perverts who come through the shop? In the article, it said that at other coffee shops, they "saw our male clientele dwindle to next to nothing." So I'm assuming women aren't flocking to a titti-bar to get a cup of coffee. My heart goes out to the girls who work there and really resent their owners/managers. One manager said

Carrie Smith, owner of the Mocha Boat in Lynnwood, said she switched themes six months ago after a competing stand hired young women to stand on the corner with pasties and tight shorts.

Business tripled after her employees started wearing more revealing outfits, she said.

"We had to close the stand or roll with it," Smith said. "I sold my soul for a dollar."

They are furthering the exploitation and objectification of women instead of taking a stand against it, saying "I love myself and my employees too much to allow myself and them to be objectified like that." Instead, girls/employees are saying

"I don't really consider this too sexual," Bustare said. "I think it's fun and cute."

"Fun and cute" is how things like this continue to happen. It's not shown for what it is-- soft porn and exploiting yourself just to make money. Outside that coffee shop, your occupation would be labeled as something else.
GRR! This article made me so upset, as I'm sure you can tell. Porn makes my stomach turn, using sex to sell makes me feel ill, and women willingly allowing others to objectify me makes me absolutely furious! We need to be loving our girls and our women! We need to be telling them that their image and their bodies are their own and that God made them to be beautiful, not to be exploited for money and to be "cute." Men and women, but especially men, need to stand up to their fellow men and tell them what they are doing is wrong and hurtful to the women's souls, whether they realize it or not. The men tipping enough that baristas are going home with $100 cash a day are telling the girls that they are only as good as the amount of skin they'll show. Heartbreaking, absolutely heartbreaking!
Pray for these girls and for the men who are encouraging this kind of business to flourish. Hooters started out small and now are a well-known name around the country. This idea could spread, and that is unacceptable to me. We need to nip this in the bud. This cannot be an acceptable way to conduct business, let alone an acceptable way to treat and exploit your female employees.
Whew! I feel better now that I got all of that off my chest. I hope this angers enough people that something is done because of it. It's good that people get enraged, but it's doing something that matters. I doubt anyone from Washington reads my blogs, but if you do, I encourage you to empower your friends and family against this kind of behavior and support those coffee shops that are not lowering themselves to these kinds of practices. Take a stand against those coffee shops!

My Husband is Gonna Be a House-Husband

I have finally run into the differences between marriages with my friends. I didn't have much ground being "only engaged" or "just dating" when it came to understanding the complexity and the deep issues that really can only be experienced in marriage. It has been interesting talking with our friends at church and in our small group about the differences in our marriages-- how decisions are made, who handles housework, etc. It's no surprise that Michael and I are nowhere near the majority-- I actually question if there is anyone like us in the young marrieds group, even at a church like Pathways. We hear people talk about their marriages, and why and how decisions are made and we sit back thinking "we would never do it that way! What about the other person's feelings/opinions/desires?"
Of course, we're only 2 months into this marriage, so maybe after a bit more time we might fall more into the traditional norm, but it doesn't seem likely. I'm sure it helps that I hate cleaning and doing housework, so I refuse to do it all by myself; and Michael doesn't expect me to, just because I'm a woman. He actually cares more about clutter and a clean house than I do (except I'm starting to lean more his way because our house isn't big enough to be dirty-- it takes over in no time!) so he is more apt to do the cleaning.
I don't know if I've mentioned it before in here, but I love to cook. With that, it would probably be expected that I cook all the meals. Well, I married a keeper because Michael loves to cook as well and loves to learn. I've taught him stuff, and he enjoys cooking dinner just as much as I do. He currently is working at the print shop he was at a few months ago to get some money before he starts school. He gets off work earlier than me, and gets home way before. I came home last week on my third day of work to him making dinner. (I might also mention he was wearing nothing but one of my aprons... he makes me laugh so hard!)
We trade off, even share the duties when we both get off work at the same time. When Michael starts school, he will get off at 12:30 so if he can't get a part-time job-- either he can't find one or school is too stressful, he'll be a house-husband. And he's totally okay with that. He's actually looking forward to it! His advisers told him that the first 7 months are the hardest, so it's looking like a house-husband is what he's going to be! It'll be an interesting adjustment and a very big reality check since what we're about to do is not very common, especially in Christian circles. But that's what is also exciting-- we're embarking on a journey of our own without anyone putting their own ideas or thoughts on us; we can choose what we want and can succeed and fail in our own right. We're excited and completely freaked out at the same time, but it's good-- that's how we grow as individuals and as a couple. We have to turn towards each other during this time to get through the rough parts and praise the good parts. So here's to living differently! Let's see how this goes!

Would a Little Boy Read the Princess Book?

Okay, this blog is just to vent. I have become more aware of gender equality, as well as being a human development major, I am more in-tune with the genderization (is that a word?) of children. Anyway, as I've mentioned before, I work at Barnes and Noble. I occasionally work back in the children's section-- it has it's good and it's very bad moments. However, I am here to vent on books that are on our shelves. Each one is a foam book, cut into the shape of the person on the front and the occuaption they have. There are 6 of them-- a cowboy, a fairy, a astronaut, a ballerina, a doctor, and a princess. I'll bet you can guess that the fairy is not a boy. I just look at those books and think, "No wonder girls don't think they can be doctors-- their earliest books are telling them they can't be!" It makes me angry! But I can't do anything about it. If I threw them away, not only would I get in HUGE trouble, but they'd just order more! Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest!