So Many Questions, So Few Answers

At the church I attend in Denver, they have been doing a series on doubt. It's been a very meaningful series and has made me think a lot. My biggest struggle was the fact that I felt that I did not have any real doubts. But as this series continued and as I would think about the sermons during the week, I realized there were some deep doubts and major questions and struggles that I have. The biggest one I have always seemed to struggle with is friendships. I've always had friends, it's keeping them that is my problem. It seemed every year of school I would lose my friends to some extenuating circumstances-- moving away, leaving the school, etc. So each school year I would have to start from scratch at finding new friends. I would through the doors on the first day of school friendless, and thankfully God blessed me by finding great friends during that year. Unfortunately, more times than not, at the end of the year, something would happen (or nothing, but the friendship would be over for whatever reason) and the process would happen all over again. That is how I've seen God work in my life to bring me great friends every year, but the questions I still have are: "Why did they have to end? Why did I have to start over fresh every year? Why can't I hold onto these friendships? Were they even real friends?" To go along with that, not only did I have friendships end, they ended badly. They didn't just move on or fade out, but they actually ended with hurt feelings and resentment-- reasons I could point my finger to and still have lingering hurt from. They have been friendships that I thought were deep and possibly life-long. I spent an entire summer after high school having to deal with this-- let's just say I hate when it happens again. So when it does happen again, I realized I turn to God and ask, "WHY!?!? Why me? Why again? I thought this was a one-time...two-time... thing!" How can God, when He knows how important friendships are to me, how much I struggle with them, and how important fellowship is in general, let friendships end terribly or people let you down or betray you? If it is something that I'm doing (since I am the common denominator in all those failed-friendships) why can't I figure out what it is? Why do I have to keep going through this? I understand friendships ending naturally or gradually, but why must some end with such hurt or bitterness? I have tried to reconcile with people from my past and even though we forgave each other and talked honestly with each other, there is still hurt there-- even after 3 1/2 years! Where is the love and grace that God promises? These were church people and they left my high-and-dry... How could God let someone who was a leader and those who said they loved God treat someone so terribly? How could my heart endure that kind of pain? That kind of abandonment?

And this goes for church-relationships as well. I have been a part of numerous churches and all seemed to end badly. It wasn't just a "oh, I'm leaving because of ___ (a non-issue like leaving for college)" but a "the people in this church hate me/ignore me/patronize me/etc." Is there something I'm doing to have no choice but to leave every church I attend? It's a bit heart-breaking when I'm suddenly not accepted where I was loved the day before.
Another issue I have is why the church so divided. This is my biggest question when it comes to church. When the message of Jesus was pretty simple, why are there countless churches on every street corner, each one pretty much at war with one another over minute, mundane details and interpretations? I had a discussion with a guy my sister and I barista with about church divisions. He talked about how in Acts (I think) there were tons of churches, but they were all united under one cause and one reason. There were only different ones because of location, not differing beliefs. And yet, over time, different churches came to mean you had to have xyz belief and think those with abc belief are stupid, ignorant, devil-worshiping, blasphemist, going straight to hell ... you fill in the blank. I can't understand when every Christian church says they love God and are following the teachings of Jesus and yet are so full of hate or disdain or prejudice. Is it possible for us all to be right? Or are we all wrong? Are there people who are doing things right? Is it possible to be doing it all right when we're also doing it all wrong? Is there an absolute right and absolute wrongs?

I don't think there are any answers for any of my endless questions. But that is what is great-- I can ask the questions, process them, research them, discuss them, etc. I just can't let those doubts lead me away from God but towards Him. God is a mystery and we are fallen people... that's the most important thing to remember!

Wow! And here I thought I didn't have any doubts or questions... This post was a lot more exposing and deep that I anticipated. Well, this is what I'm dealing with! Life's all about being real, right? Well, I'm trying to work every day to understand and be drawn closer to God through my struggles and my questions. I pray that God reveals Himself to me, and to others who have questions and struggles weighing on their hearts. I pray that God can take away the hurt and the pain, and replace it with love and compassion... not an easy process by any means.

The Happenings of Thanksgiving Week

I just got back to school from a week-long Thanksgiving break. It was wonderful, even with the few family drama issues! At the beginning, me, my sister, her roommate who stayed with us all week, and Michael went to the Denver Film Festival. My dad prints their programs so we got ticket vouchers to go see a movie. We had a blast (after we wandered around trying to find the theater)! We went out to dinner and then went to the movie, all dressed up and feeling hott! The movie was about a grandma who finds a job working at a sex-shop to earn money to pay for her grandson's much-needed medical treatment. It was awkward at times (as you can imagine), but really well done! We all enjoyed it-- you can't go wrong with a great character-development movie ;-) (My sister and I are in the middle... her roommate is on the left, and Michael (obviously) is on the right)
I then spent the week hanging out with my parents and my sister and her roommate. We chatted, watched movies, helped cook, went grocery shopping... the time flew!
Thanksgiving came and we had some long-time family friends over for dinner. We had delicious turkey (and that's a lot for me to say since I'm not a big fan of turkey-- I'd rather have ham any day) and all the "usual" side dishes. But when it's "usual" it means my mom found an even better recipe that melts in your mouth! We then spent the evening playing card games which actually ended up being evenly scored (GO me and Brittany!)! (In the picture-- (left to right: me, Michael, Ali, Taryn, Brittany, and Jill)
It's a lifelong tradition of our family to trek out like the Griswolds and cut down our Christmas tree. Thankfully we have always remembered our saw ;-) This year, however, my sister and I managed to lose our parents in the forest. While we were picking up pine cones and putting them in each other's hood (while laughing uncontrollably!) we thought we were following our parents' tree-dragging trail. Well, when we got to the car and my parents were not there, we realized we'd followed the wrong tree line (except that we ended up by our car... weird). Our parents finally walked up--even after we went searching for them in the forest and still ended up at the car again-- thankful that their dread of my sister and I sitting in the snow crying and hungry, being nibbled on by a bear was not true. We (being my dad) tied up the tree to the top of the car and we drove to the volunteer fire station that we go to every year to get some hot chocolate. While we were there, Mrs. Claus dragged our whole family over to Santa Claus' lap to take a picture! (I have a confession-- that was the first time I've ever sat on Santa's lap in my entire life! I've always been terrified of Santa so my sister and I never went near him!) As we were waiting for our picture to develop we read an article about this particular Santa and how he is the real deal. Thirteen years ago, he heard about families who were not going to have a real Christmas because they didn't have enough money. So, on Christmas morning, he dressed up in a Santa suit and went and took presents to the families. He paid for it out of his own pocket and continues to do it every year! What an awesome example of what one man can do to impact other people's lives!!
So other than that, I just relaxed and spent some quality time with my family. Oh, and we finally found a wedding venue location!!! YAY! We're all super-excited about it! Anyway, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! I thought I'd end this with a brief list of what I'm thankful for this year:
- Loyal friends
- Love of friends and family
- My sister (and the fact that she's up at CSU with me)
- Michael
- Making a real difference
- God working in my life
- TV shows... my guilty pleasure ;-)
- Movies... another guilty pleasure...
- Ice cream... my absolute guilty pleasure!
- The blessing my aunt gives my sister and I every month
- The safety of my Marine boys
- Change, even though it's really hard
- The endless possibilities for my future
- Sunsets
- And the everyday blessings God gives me!

HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!!!

Denver Here I Come!

I have written quite a few blogs about moving to London... well, that's not gonna happen for a while. God finally placed a peace on my heart about not going right away. I still have the desire to go, so after Michael and I are married for a couple years (and he finishes school), we'll re-evaluate our situation. In the meantime, I have made the decision to move down to Denver, CO. It's about an hour and a half south of Fort Collins, where I currently reside. I will graduate on December 15th and move home with my parents. I love my parents, so it hopefully wont be too bad! Also, Michael is already in Denver at least 3 days out of the week, and there are a LOT more work opportunities for me down there!

We have had to make the difficult decision to leave Fort Collins, our friends, and our church. But God is taking us on a journey that requires sacrifice and obedience-- and we want to be as aligned with God's will as we possibly can. We have already been talking about how we will take the ideals and callings that we have learned about and heard from God to our new surroundings. We want to continue to be missional to those around us, to live in a community where we can connect with as many people as possible, and to find a church that will continue to help us grow and connect. We also want a church that encourages their attendees to go out and reach their communities.

Well, for Easter this last year, Michael and I went with my dad (it was snowing really hard so my mom decided to stay home and sit by the fire) to the church they attend. We absolutely loved it! So we have started attending that church and have begun to get connected there. We joined the young marrieds group at the church, because once we're married we're no longer single (so we can't join that group) and we wont be in college (can't join that group either). There are a lot of groups, but we see it as an opportunity to get to know even more people! The young marrieds group has actually been a real blessing to us. We read this book called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman. I would highly recommend it for anyone, no matter how long or short they've been together. It has amazing insight and helps couples realize parts of themselves and their marriage, and most importantly how they fight, and helps couples fix those problems. The group and the book have been very good for us as we are trying to learn and grow as much as possible before we tie the knot. Hearing couples talk about the struggles they have, what they fight about, how they deal with difficult issues, and being real with one another has been more beneficial than we could have ever imagined. We have also found other Christian friends. Both Michael and I have struggled with having friends, so having a place where we can connect with others who are in a similar situation in life is very exciting! We're by far the youngest people there and the only engaged couple ;-) Thankfully the leaders of the group were more than willing to let us join the group as an engaged couple!
We are excited to start the next phase of our lives and see where God takes us and see who He sends along in our lives. There will be more updates as moving actually happens (I'm trying to pack and take stuff home early so I don't have a recreation of what happened this summer!) and when the wedding gets closer! So now I gotta go find a job... what fun!