Guest Blog- Is Grace That Amazing?

This is a little belated (unfortunately, continued job searching for a better job takes priority over blogging) but I posted a blog on Jason Clark's blog. You can find it here. I wrote about grace and what it means in our everyday lives. I had some other thoughts that came from that blog, so I'll digest them here!
After the sermon on grace and discussing it in our young marrieds group, it was weighing heavily on my mind. Grace is a big deal to me, as well as the hardest thing for me to give. Anyway, the discussion in our group was very interesting because it all of a sudden turned from giving grace in general to needing to give grace to churches we've been to. Most of the people in the group we were in had been burned by a church (or more). We started sharing bits and pieces of our stories and we found that it's easier to give grace to other fallen people, but it seems more difficult to give it to churches who have been significant in our lives.
In my own life, and I'll try to keep this brief, the church I went to in high school really messed me up when it came to seeing the good in church. The youth pastor was selfish; he played favorites and ignored everyone else; he didn't do anything a youth pastor is supposed to do like take people out to lunch, spend quality time with people, etc.; he never invested in the students' lives; if someone disagreed with him, he treated them like shit (pardon my language)... need I go on? I've been relatively defiant my entire life. If someone says I HAVE to do something, and I don't get a good reason why or don't think it's right, I have a very hard time doing it, if at all. So needless to say, my youth pastor and I butted heads more than once. But he was my "church authority" and what he said was "right." You can guess how well that sat with me. So the only real authority that I knew in the church was false and seemed to always be wrong-- how am I supposed to deal with that? If he's always wrong, are all pastors and youth pastors wrong? Can I trust what they teach me? Is there some sort of agenda to what they say? Thankfully, that is not always true. Unfortunately, it can be, but for me, I found some wonderful churches and teachers/pastors who were not the embodiment of everything wrong with churches today.
Well, when the church I was going to during my adolescent years-- the years where identity is explored and authority is questioned and speculated-- the authority was corrupt and false. They taught harmful doctrine (especially when it came to personal relationships like dating and marriage as well as what a "good Christian" looks like) and so I was held down and manipulated with that doctrine. I'm sure you can see the the still-present hurt and pain and wounds that have come from that church.
So, in regards to grace, how can I give grace to a place that claimed to love and follow God's teaching when, in fact, was showing anything but? I know there are lots of other examples of things that were wrong and hurtful from that church, not just my own but others' experiences, as well as other churches I've been to. No church is perfect, just like the people who attend them. But when a church is supposed to be the personification of Christ-- His bride-- shouldn't there be a higher standard? How can I forgive my youth pastor whose actions cut deeper than any other wound ever has? And he represents the church I attended. Can I separate the people from the church and give grace and forgiveness to them? Can I fully embrace the fact that they (the people of the church) believe they are doing what they think God is wanting them to do and that the only real issue is that there is a disagreement of doctrine and interpretation? Well, I sure hope someone else can give them grace, because that will be a struggle for me to show grace to any church that holds people down with false and dominating doctrine. So thankfully God has grace for them, because me, a fallen sinner, cannot give it to them (yet, anyway).

I am Weak but He is Strong

Have you ever had Will Ferrell come to your church and teach a sermon? Well I think his twin came and spoke this week... just kidding! But he sure did look just like him! He was about 6' 5" and looked like a mix of Will Ferrell and Dane Cook (the comedian) and his voice sounded like Ryan Reynolds. And he had the humor of them all, and at the same time, the seriousness of someone with a message to spread and love to give.
He spoke on the idea of devotion and what we give our time and energy to. One thing he discussed the act of being "simply and honestly yourself" before God. It was surprisingly a difficult thing for me to admit that I have a hard time doing that. It's not like God doesn't know me deeper than I know myself, but admitting to Him that I'm terrified, weak, worn-out, etc is a lot harder than I realized. I'm also not honest with myself about it, which just shows how "good" I am at avoiding self-reflection and admitting weaknesses. I'll admit it to a person here or there, but never living my life as a broken, fearful sinner who has been saved by the love and grace of God. I usually have the attitude of "I don't need anyone's help! I can do this by myself! I'm fine! I'm not afraid of anything!" But it's really not true, when you really get past my perfected charade.
It's definitely a pride issue, because being short, small, and female (oh, and did I mention I am often mistaken for a 16 year-old? [I'm about to be 22]) I tend to need to compensate for it and prove to others that I'm just as capable at doing __(fill in the blank)__. But how much of that is an excuse? I just need another reason to not ask for help and be stubborn and "independent.
Yes, I'm strong, but God is stronger. I can't do it on my own, and that's harder to admit than anything else I will ever say. But how is that lived out? Can someone really come before God "simply and honestly"? I know that is what God desires, but is it even possible? How does someone get to that point where the charade of being happy and put-together around other people is taken away and all that's left is the true person? If it's possible to do with God, is it possible to do with other people, other sinners?
These thoughts and questions have had me struggling and fighting and discovering since Sunday and it really hit home. I want to be a real person, not just with one person or just God, but with everyone. I want to be real enough to encourage others to be real. And I want my self-revelation to come out in my relationship with God where I say "I'm weak and need your help because I can't do it on my own" without hesitation.