Needless Tears

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll be blunt and tell you that I've been incredibly hormonal recently and it's starting to freak me out. How I've seen this is the fact that anything can set off a flood of tears, regardless if it is that big of a deal, or even worth crying over. I first noticed it when my husband told me he had seen the source of one of his Christmas presents by mistake, but wanted to let me know. Instead of just being bummed out, I sobbed. I'm not talking about one little tear-- I laid on the couch and sobbed. I was a mess. But it felt that devastating to me! And then last night I had had a bad day at work, but not bad enough to cry over, but I got home and couldn't stop crying. I even had to miss a dinner I was supposed to go to with Michael because I couldn't get control of it. And let's not forget about how I react to sad parts of movies or tv shows...
So all this to say, I'm a bit freaked out. I usually get a bit irritable during "that time of month," so all this crying is not normal and has lasted for a couple of weeks... What am I supposed to do? Just let the tears overtake me and have a good cry? I know Michael would vote against that because he can't handle me crying, but I don't know what else to do. I hate crying-- it makes me feel depressed (obviously) and I lose all motivation to do anything when I cry. So if something doesn't change soon... well, I don't know what I'm going to do. But thankfully Michael is loving and supportive and just hugs me and lets me cry into his chest. For now, that's the only thing I can do.
I hate crying, I hate not being in control of my emotions! If something is truly worth crying over, that's one thing, but crying over a spoiled Christmas present surprise, that's just ridiculous!

Lars and the Real Girl

My favorite movies are the ones that have multiple layers and I can sit and discuss them for hours afterwards. Of course, the surface-level, pure-entertainment ones have their place too, but the deeper ones are my absolute favorite. I just discovered a new one this week called, Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. It's a story of a man who wants companionship but fears intimacy so he orders a sex doll online named Bianca and treats her like his girlfriend. He never questions that she is "real" and even asks his brother and sister-in-law (SIL) if Bianca can stay in a spare room in their house, borrow his SIL's clothes, and even sets a place for her for dinner. It never shows that he uses Bianca for the true purpose of the doll, which emphasizes the point of his need for companionship. The best part of the movie is that the people in the town he lives in all embrace Bianca as a real woman and ask to have her work, volunteer at the hospital, and invite her to parties. Lars pushes her around in a wheelchair, and even takes her to the doctor when she's "sick." I highly recommend this movie if you like character-development movies! Here's the trailer if you want to watch it! (If this movie interests you and you don't want any spoilers, don't keep reading and watch it first...)

The reason I even mention this movie is that, as I said, it is a movie about connection and relationship. Lars creates this whole relationship in his mind that at points you forget that she is really just a doll sitting there doing nothing. Lars is awkward around others and hates being touched. Even at the urging of his SIL, he refuses to even have much interaction with them. But once Bianca comes into his life, he interacts with people more and becomes a bit more dynamic. He is lonely and reached out to someone who was like him-- secluded and quiet-- but through the whole process of the movie, realizes that it is the people around him who actually show they care about him and his well-being who matter most to him. They even come to Bianca's funeral! By being there for him and supporting him, even when he has an imaginary girlfriend, they show him a love that he was unable to understand before.
How much of our lives are like Lars'? We want to hide away and create our own fantasy world to live in because it's safer there. We shut people out because they have the potential to hurt us. But as Lars shows in the movie, even our fantasy world and "perfect companion" can hurt us and wound us. Lars created the perfect girlfriend and was the dictator of what happened and how Bianca was feeling; but she let him down, she got sick, and even refused a marriage proposal.
Reality seeps into every part of our lives, and will get to us no matter what. But when he learned to lean on those who were alive around him, they filled him with true joy and love. He had to open himself up to disappointment and hurt to get there, but he got there eventually.
Sometimes it takes "dating" a "doll" to get to a place where we can be open and vulnerable with others. With a doll, there really is no need to truly open up and be real and honest. But what a lonely life that is. There is no real interaction or connection. Yes, it can help you process things out-loud, but you never get anything back from the "doll." Understandably, it is a scary world out there when you have to actually interact with actual real, breathing people! But once you get over it, it makes living so much more beneficial and satisfying! So be like Lars and let your "doll" die so you can live life with those around you and be real with those who care about you.

The "Supposed To's" of Marriage and God

How much of a role does God really play in relationships? I have been rolling this thought over in my mind, trying to really process it and understand it. All during my high school years, I was taught "God needs to be the center of your relationship" but that idea was never really explained to me. What does that really mean? What does that look like? I tried all kinds of things, going to the same church, praying together, discussing the Bible, etc. But each individual act never seemed like enough. Just because we prayed together didn't mean God was the true center of our relationship.
However, I say all this, and I could say that (on a good day) God is the center of my marriage. We focus on God's will for us individually and as a couple, as well as (try to) pray together and read the Bible together.
Lately, though, those practices seem to have fallen by the wayside. We're busy, we're tired, we'd rather do something else... the excuses seem to pile up and God gets forgotten. But then so does the health and spiritual well-being of our marriage. I can see it change how we interact with one another and other people, as well as how we view our marriage one day to the next. There seems to be an absence, a void and negativity are present. We fight more, we overreact, we get defensive... makes for a lousy time, that's for sure.
But what does reading the Bible do? Could we still feel a deeper connection if we read a novel together? What is that spiritual aspect that is so important? We are busy people, and we make the time to spend with friends, work, church, etc., but not for reading the Bible together, or praying or doing any sort of devotional or study. How do we balance that, especially when Michael doesn't get home until 10pm and we're both too tired? Are we "supposed" to pray even though the act of closing our eyes to pray would make us fall asleep? Or are we "supposed" to get up early together to do something, with the same problem of falling asleep? How do busy people do it? Or are we "supposed" to set aside the time that we aren't working and are together, and spend a few minutes reading the Bible, praying, etc. But when Michael is working 4-5 nights a week, it gets difficult to even find the time to do that. But if something is a priority, we'll make it happen. So we'll see what we figure out!
God values relationships, so it makes sense that by taking the time to value our relationship with Him, He'll bless us and make our relationship a bit easier/closer. I know that praying and reading your Bible isn't the miracle cure to marriage hardships, but by growing closer together through reading the Bible sure puts you on the right path for it. When our relationship becomes nothing but fighting and resentment, something definitely needs to change. So here's to change and trying to refocus our relationship back on the one who brought us together. It wont be easy, but it will be good!

Why Oh Why Did the DNC Have to be Here?

I'm already sick and tired of the Democratic National Convention (DNC). I wouldn't mind at all if I didn't
1) work downtown
2) live right off of Speer Blvd.
3) people didn't treat the DNC and the protesters like the end of the world (ie riots, teargas, people throwing mailboxes into cars [no joke, they removed all drop-boxes from the street because of the fear that people would pick them up and throw them... come on, people!])
It's already crazy! Michael and I missed church yesterday because of traffic issues caused by the streets closing down! We sat at the same light for 15 minutes watching cars drive into the middle of the intersection (even though they could see traffic wasn't going anywhere), and people making U-turns to go south on Speer... Oh, and did I mention the next light was broken and not turning green? Oh yeah, that was loads of fun. And all the roads being turned into one lane? That was fun too! By the time we would have made it though both intersections, we would have gotten to church halfway through the sermon! Michael was yelling at all the people on the sidewalk and the other cars "GO HOME!" I feel the exact same way!
It was Sunday, nothing was even really going on, and people are already acting like idiots and there were people already arrested last night... ugh! And I have to be downtown to work. We have the option to go home at noon and work from home, but I have the issue of the fact that my whole job is to be AT WORK! I can't answer the phones from home! I can't transfer calls from my cell phone! I'm stuck here till my boss says I can go home (that is, if everyone else goes home... please! everyone go home so I can too!!!) That didn't sound too desperate, did it? Well, it'll give me a lot of time to... uh... read/write blogs and mess around doing nothing... hopefully someone finds something for me to do-- not likely, but possible!
Be thankful if you are not in Denver, Colorado this week! Watch the coverage from your living room, away from the chaos and overreactions! This madness needs to end!
[Oh, and I have to just state my feelings about the protesters-- they're really dumb! No one even knows why they're here or what they're protesting for! I do know that there is a group protesting for peace, even though Democrats tend to be anti-war... I just don't get some people...]

Don't Shove 'Jim' Out the Door, Love Him Instead

The story I'm about to tell and comment on is almost 6 months old, but for some reason has been creeping into my thoughts lately, so I thought I would share it. It is a modern-day example of how Jesus calls us to love those who are not like us, and also showed me what ancient Pharisees may have been like.

It was supposed to be a surprise birthday party for me, but I saw the email about it so it was spoiled. This was fine, because, as a matter of fact, I'm not very into surprises. Don't get me wrong, I like presents, but to have something come up unexpectedly that everyone else knew about is not my idea of a good time. (Hence the look of terror on my face during our wedding when our officiant said "Katie doesn't know about this..." Thankfully it was just that Michael sang me a song, but still...)
Anyway, Michael invited a bunch of our friends, as well as a guy he knew from work. All of our friends were from church (like us), but Michael's friend, we'll call him Jim, was a little rougher around the edges (not like us).
Jim was the last person to arrive, already well on his way to being drunk, and sat around with the women who were on the chairs and couches. The men were sitting at the table playing cards. I don't mind talking to people who are different than me, but for some, if someone says something off-color, it makes them extremely uncomfortable. Unless it's offensive to me personally, I just shrug my shoulders and let it slide. He didn't make me feel uncomfortable, but did make the rest of the women squirm. Jim then moved over to where the men were and proceeded to "flex his wallet" and brag about how much money he had, how many women he'd "had" and that he had hookers waiting at his house... Not exactly our idea of a good time, so when he invited the guys to come over, they all declined.
As the evening progressed, more alcohol was consumed by everyone, tensions started running high. Men started getting possessive of their wives, and women started getting offended by Jim's lifestyle.
Finally, someone snapped. Jim was shoved out of our home by one of our guests. He was told he was unwelcome and offended everyone. [Disclaimer: We later dealt with this situation with our friends and it was resolved, so the disagreement over how this all was handled is not the purpose of this post.]
Michael and I disagreed with how our friend handled the situation, but that was not the biggest issue we had. Our issue was how "Pharisee-like" our friends' actions and attitudes were towards our guest. Jesus ate dinner and partied with "sinners" and the Pharisees did nothing but ridicule and judge.

Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”
Luke 5: 29-32

Sounds vaguely familiar, doesn't it? We wanted to show Jim the love of Christ, that Christians aren't all stuffy and legalistic (everyone was drinking, for crying out loud!), but in the end, all he saw was a house full of stuffy, legalistic, judgmental Christians.
I was ashamed.
I was embarrassed.
I knew that this is not the first time a non-Christian had been shunned from a "Christian" gathering. We were prideful, he sleeps around... both are sins, and both sets of people need forgiveness. Just because we are Christians doesn't make us better than others-- it should humble us to a level to show others how that sin can be erased, not shoved in their face. These are the people Jesus called to love and befriend.
Yes, having Christian friends, people with similar views, morals, and lifestyle is important, but we also need to reach outside of our bubbles and befriend those who are "sick." Jesus didn't "witness" to Levi and the guests at the party-- he just sat back and enjoyed their company. I'm sure they cussed and drank too much and probably told a crass joke here and there, but Jesus didn't throw them out of the house, he didn't shame them for being themselves. He lived by example and loved them and told them they were worth someones while.
That's how we should live. We need to love the sick and the poor, even if the "poor" part is only in spirit, not in regards to a bank account. You can be respectful and tell someone that a joke they said or a story they told is offensive, and if you don't tell those kinds of jokes and show respect to everyone, your influence and your presence will make a difference. People notice those who are different from them, so stand out as a difference for love. Tell someone they're worth your time, your money, your food, and your listening ear. You never know what kind of valuable friendship you could gain from someone who doesn't look and act just like you.

The World's Most Effective Birth Control

I'm watching my cousin's children-- a 4 year-old girl and 18 month-old boy-- for 2 days. They were whiny and crabby and easy to get upset and frustrated... actually it was just the 4 year-old. Let me just say that after only a few hours, I was contemplating never ever ever having children! Once children get old enough to talk and get an attitude, they're not so cute and fun any more. But thankfully they're much better this morning after they've slept well. So I'd like to report that watching little kids for more than an hour (and sometimes less) is the most effective birth control out there! (My parents will be glad to hear that grandchildren are not in the near future).

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

At the church I attend in Denver, they have been doing a series on doubt. It's been a very meaningful series and has made me think a lot. My biggest struggle was the fact that I felt that I did not have any real doubts. But as this series continued and as I would think about the sermons during the week, I realized there were some deep doubts and major questions and struggles that I have. The biggest one I have always seemed to struggle with is friendships. I've always had friends, it's keeping them that is my problem. It seemed every year of school I would lose my friends to some extenuating circumstances-- moving away, leaving the school, etc. So each school year I would have to start from scratch at finding new friends. I would through the doors on the first day of school friendless, and thankfully God blessed me by finding great friends during that year. Unfortunately, more times than not, at the end of the year, something would happen (or nothing, but the friendship would be over for whatever reason) and the process would happen all over again. That is how I've seen God work in my life to bring me great friends every year, but the questions I still have are: "Why did they have to end? Why did I have to start over fresh every year? Why can't I hold onto these friendships? Were they even real friends?" To go along with that, not only did I have friendships end, they ended badly. They didn't just move on or fade out, but they actually ended with hurt feelings and resentment-- reasons I could point my finger to and still have lingering hurt from. They have been friendships that I thought were deep and possibly life-long. I spent an entire summer after high school having to deal with this-- let's just say I hate when it happens again. So when it does happen again, I realized I turn to God and ask, "WHY!?!? Why me? Why again? I thought this was a one-time...two-time... thing!" How can God, when He knows how important friendships are to me, how much I struggle with them, and how important fellowship is in general, let friendships end terribly or people let you down or betray you? If it is something that I'm doing (since I am the common denominator in all those failed-friendships) why can't I figure out what it is? Why do I have to keep going through this? I understand friendships ending naturally or gradually, but why must some end with such hurt or bitterness? I have tried to reconcile with people from my past and even though we forgave each other and talked honestly with each other, there is still hurt there-- even after 3 1/2 years! Where is the love and grace that God promises? These were church people and they left my high-and-dry... How could God let someone who was a leader and those who said they loved God treat someone so terribly? How could my heart endure that kind of pain? That kind of abandonment?

And this goes for church-relationships as well. I have been a part of numerous churches and all seemed to end badly. It wasn't just a "oh, I'm leaving because of ___ (a non-issue like leaving for college)" but a "the people in this church hate me/ignore me/patronize me/etc." Is there something I'm doing to have no choice but to leave every church I attend? It's a bit heart-breaking when I'm suddenly not accepted where I was loved the day before.
Another issue I have is why the church so divided. This is my biggest question when it comes to church. When the message of Jesus was pretty simple, why are there countless churches on every street corner, each one pretty much at war with one another over minute, mundane details and interpretations? I had a discussion with a guy my sister and I barista with about church divisions. He talked about how in Acts (I think) there were tons of churches, but they were all united under one cause and one reason. There were only different ones because of location, not differing beliefs. And yet, over time, different churches came to mean you had to have xyz belief and think those with abc belief are stupid, ignorant, devil-worshiping, blasphemist, going straight to hell ... you fill in the blank. I can't understand when every Christian church says they love God and are following the teachings of Jesus and yet are so full of hate or disdain or prejudice. Is it possible for us all to be right? Or are we all wrong? Are there people who are doing things right? Is it possible to be doing it all right when we're also doing it all wrong? Is there an absolute right and absolute wrongs?

I don't think there are any answers for any of my endless questions. But that is what is great-- I can ask the questions, process them, research them, discuss them, etc. I just can't let those doubts lead me away from God but towards Him. God is a mystery and we are fallen people... that's the most important thing to remember!

Wow! And here I thought I didn't have any doubts or questions... This post was a lot more exposing and deep that I anticipated. Well, this is what I'm dealing with! Life's all about being real, right? Well, I'm trying to work every day to understand and be drawn closer to God through my struggles and my questions. I pray that God reveals Himself to me, and to others who have questions and struggles weighing on their hearts. I pray that God can take away the hurt and the pain, and replace it with love and compassion... not an easy process by any means.

Holding Signs on a Street Corner

I wrote a post recently on Jason Clark's blog about being intolerant of the intolerant. I mentioned that it is important to confront those people and love them just the same. Well, I've realized over the past few days that there is a certain group of people I actually have a very hard time finding the capacity to love. If you've read my blog, you know that loving others is a big deal to me. But I have found my weak-spot. At church on Sunday, they showed a short clip of pictures from rallies (mostly to do with anti-homosexuality), church signs, etc. about repentance, and any sort of hateful agenda. Looking at those pictures made me sick to my stomach. There was a picture of a little girl-- she couldn't have been more that 10-- holding a sign that said "Got AIDS yet?" I just about threw up. It outraged me! And the thought struck me-- I'm feeling hateful towards the hateful. I will say that the tactics of some of the churches-- like putting those clear letters up to make a statement on their church's sign-- are just ineffective and useless. But what about the people standing on the street corner with a sign full of lists of people who they think are condemned and going to hell? And then turning around and telling them that God loves them and wants to save them... I'm missing the connection. How would throwing hate towards someone want to make them convert or even consider repenting for whatever sins they have? I wouldn't want to be part of that religion, that's for sure.
My mom said a very interesting thing about the clip and the whole idea of people (meaning Christians) acting that way-- it's embarrassing and humiliating as a Christian to see others do that under the label of "Christianity." Being a "Christ follower" is a much better label for myself and others that I know. When non-Christians hear that someone is a Christian, they put them into the group with the sign-holders and hate-throwers. Our faith and religion are supposed to be about love, and yet has become labeled with hate. There is something drastically wrong with that. We have gotten so far away from what Jesus originally called us to do. But really, how do we respond to the "Christians" who do nothing but show hate and contempt towards others? I can understand not agreeing with others' lifestyles or choices, but when hate comes into the picture, what are we supposed to do? Stand on the opposing corner with signs saying "I love you"? I'm at a loss and my heart is broken for those people. I recently watched a documentary where one of the men in it said, "They're so full of hate, they don't even realize how hateful they are." What are we, as Christ followers, supposed to do? Because just saying we need to love can only go so far... what can we do?

Who Would You Save?

I am a big fan of the band, Nickelback. Some of those more musically-inclined people may laugh at my music choice, but I love them! They have some really awesome songs! Anyway, all of this to say, I also really enjoy watching their music videos. They have some very clever and moving ones. One of my all-time favorite videos is for their song, "Savin' Me."
The song is all about giving someone a second chance and telling them that they are worth your time and energy. I love the video because it has a lot of layers and deeper thoughts and meanings you could take from it. It raises a lot of questions about yourself as well-- if I knew someone's life was in danger, would I risk mine to save them? Would I stand around to bask in the glory of my save? Would it matter who the person was-- gender, money, race, age, etc-- would I still save them? Are there those who I would refuse to save (a rapist, a prisoner, a homeless person, etc)? Are there those I know who are standing on their own ledge, screaming to be noticed and loved and told they are worth saving?
As you watch the video, think about those questions. And if nothing else, enjoy an entertaining video!



Here are the lyrics if you want to follow along:

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh, I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm fallin'
yeah, yeah

And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm fallin'

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me

Are Diamonds a Girl's Best Friend or Man's Worst Enemy?

I was reading an article recently in the women's version of Relevant magazine (I'm drawing a blank on the name) and the article was about the conflict or "blood diamonds" that come out of Africa. The article did not make me aware of the issue-- I was already well aware of the issue, but it brought up a very interesting point. If everyone were to stop buying diamonds, what would it do to the African economy? That is their only real source of income in the country. Very interesting. But it must be weighed with the risk of people's live being at stake just to get those diamonds. It's not as simple as, what is more important: a nation's economy or people's lives because they are very intertwined. If an economy is suffering, the people are suffering, not just the one person; if someone is suffering for the diamonds, the economy is helped, which in turn helps more than just that one person. Kind of a dilemma, isn't it?
This issue has become a very important one since the presence of a diamond will soon (but not too soon) be on my hand. It has become more than a romantic issue, it has become a moral issue. Can I live with the knowledge that the diamond that sparkles on my finger has the possibility of having cost someone their life? I looked up the diamond market and it is a $60 billion industry (at least the figures I looked at). In the article I read, it said that only about 1% of the money that comes from the diamonds goes to fund conflict zones. Let's do the math... 1% of 60 billion is 60 million! Um... that's a lot. I had to do the math twice to make sure I did it right. $60 million is going to fund conflict zones-- no wonder there's such a problem! I can't imagine what I would do with $60 million-- buy a lot of guns and shoot people seems to be the answer to that question. I went into a diamond store at the mall in Fort Collins and asked them about their knowledge about conflict-free diamonds. The guy handed me a laminated piece of paper stating that the company claims it does not buy from sources that are known to fund conflict areas. Well, isn't that fine and dandy... but what about their sources source? And their source? Can they really trace their suppliers back that far? How can there be any guarantee? They can feel safe behind their 1% figure, but ignore what that really means (in case you forgot, it was $60 million).
So here is my answer to all of this: I don't think my not buying a diamond will devastate the African economy, so I will gladly and eagerly buy from a company that makes laboratory-made diamonds-- you can guarantee no one lost their lives or freedom to making those. I can admire the diamond on my hand a lot more knowing there isn't someone's blood behind it. (Also, it's a lot cheaper (and I mean a lot!) and really good quality!)
I am taking a stand against injustice. Even though the economy is supported by diamond exports, it is not worth it to support their economy when the risk is so high. Help support them in another way-- agriculture, building, etc. Employ the people and export goods that are handmade or at least grown in the country without slave labor. If we stop buying their diamonds, they will have to find some other way to support their people and their country, without it costing people their lives and freedom. I am doing what I feel is my duty and calling in this situation, and I do not look down or put down anyone who chooses to buy a diamond from a jewelry store. When i think about it, the injustice just makes that diamond a rock, and nothing more in my eyes. But that's my own conviction. I hope no one takes this issue lightly, but acts in their own accord and their own will in the decision of buying diamonds. Just don't forget the risk you are taking if you buy one from the store. And educate people about the problems as well, because a lot of times, people just don't know the problems that are going on. Talking and educating only made people smarter and more educated and knowledgable. So this is me teaching. I hope you took the time to listen.

Masks and Country Music

I have a confession to make… I like country music (and unashamed of it!). Well, I have a lot of it on my itunes and I was listening to it today at work and one of my all-time favorite artists came on—Garth Brooks. I love him! I am so angry that I became a fan when he decided to retire, or at least no longer tour… I can’t say how much I wouldn’t spend on a ticket to his concert. Anyway, I’m getting away from the reason I’m writing this. I was listening to him today and his song, “When There’s No One Around” came on. It’s a fabulous song! It’s about being a different person when no one’s around—being a kid (immature, reckless, without a care in the world), being an adult (unsure, insecure, invisible to the world), and singing and dancing to your own song (carefree, carried away, lose control). It’s not a new or even remotely revolutionary idea that people are not themselves around others. As I was listening to it, this idea struck me—why not?

Why can’t we be ourselves? Why must we put on our masks and hide our insecurities and burdens when we are around others? Why is it so difficult to even remove the mask and let the child out even when we are alone? It doesn’t matter if we are at home, school, work, church… we all wear masks. We may even change which mask we wear in front of which people. Why are we so afraid to be real?

I will be the first to admit that I have and do wear masks. However, I have been working (through counseling mostly) on being genuine and real—to take off the masks and expose my true self—the self that is flawed, broken, bruised, and *gasp* not perfect. It is difficult to show your true self and express how you really feel about something. The “world” expects us to always be happy, joyful, and think positively about things. What I have been learning is how to talk to people and express an opinion, especially one that may be negative or against the norm, in a respectable way, yet still getting my voice heard and my point across. It’s very easy to hide behind excuses and justifications for not “showing up.” People want honesty yet rarely give it. We all need to work on that and work on removing the mask that hides our imperfections. Expose your true self. Dance your own dance, no matter who is around!

Here are the lyrics of the song:

This is a song that nobody knows
I couldn't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sing when there's no one around

This is the man that nobody sees
He wears my old clothes and he looks just like me
Just one of the boys who gets lost in the crowd
He's the man that I am when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
I'm lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartache and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a glimpse of a child that's within
He's so immature but he's still my best friend
If he could learn how to fly he'd never touch down
He's the kid that I am when there's no one around

This is the dance I do every day
I let my feet go and get carried away
I let my soul lead and follow the sound
It's the dance that I do when there's no one around

It's four in the morning
I'm lyin' in bed
A tape of my failures
Playin' inside my head
It's heartache and hard knocks
And things I don't know
I listen and I wonder
Where will it go

This is a song that nobody knows
I still can't begin to describe how it goes
But it makes me cry or laugh right out loud
It's a song that I sign when there's no one around
It's a song that I sign when there's no one around