When Life is a Bit Blah

I feel like I should write something since I haven't really written anything in a while. But nothing very interesting is coming to mind. I hate to use this blog as a constant whine-fest about friends and church, but other than those two things, not much else is going on in my life. I go to work 5 days a week, try to squeeze friends somewhere in there, and pack our weekends so full, I need another weekend after my weekend is over.
Michael has started playing rugby, and his first match, game, or whatever you call it, is tomorrow. It should be interesting and I will hopefully get to know the wives of the players and we can make new friends there... hopefully...
Church is church... we enjoyed going to the other location of the church this last Sunday, but I have a feeling that the "sacred" feeling I had on Sunday was a fluke-- more than likely it was just because we were in a new place (my church owns an old, historic Jewish temple-- it's really cool!), not because anything was that different. And it sucks that because Michael works for the church, we/he HAVE to go... I hate being told I have to do something when there's no real rhyme or reason to it. But I digress.
This month is going to be a lot calmer than last month, so I'm looking forward to enjoying more nights like last night where I had absolutely nothing to do! To give you some perspective, last month we had a total of 5 days ALL MONTH that we didn't have something planned... I was constantly exhausted-- we never could sit down to rest because we had something else to do or someone else to see! So this month we only have a few things planned and are trying more than ever to keep at least one day a week open just for the two of us to be together. We'll see how that goes.
Well, that's all for now. I hope to get more inspired later... Have a fabulous weekend!

The Church of Snowshoes

I'm bored with church. I have my issues with our church and church in general, but that's not the bone I have to pick today.
I'm bored and tired and just plain "over" church. It might just be the new focus that my church has, which I am definitely not their target audience, but it might also be that I've gone to church almost every single Sunday of my life... I don't feel like there's anything they can say or teach that would have me saying "wow! I never thought of that! My life is changed forever!" I feel disheartened that I can look at the series title and the "subtopics" of each week, and predict (with pretty close accuracy) what the overall message will be.
So what happens when you've been going to church for almost 23 years and it's all old news? I know that the gospel and Jesus and the Bible are always "alive" and can change lives, but I sure don't feel that way. I love God, I believe Jesus was born and died on the cross for the world's sins, and I believe the Bible is God's holy word; I also try to live my life loving people the way Jesus loved them and viewed "others" and "sinners," I tithe, I try to read my Bible regularly, I pray... so what else is new? I know I can learn new things, like Bible history/context, but that just becomes head knowledge.
The only thing drawing us to church is our young marrieds group... but even that is beginning to lack because we see the same people on Tuesday nights for our Bible study. Don't get me wrong, I love our friends, but I don't feel like we're connecting on the level that I desire. But I'm sure it just goes along with my overall feelings about church at the moment. So is there hope for next Saturday night, when Michael and I are in bed discussing whether or not to set our alarm for the next morning? I know church is about fellowship, but just going and sitting in the seats does not make any sort of fellowship-- there are hundreds of people who come to the same service I do, and I know about a dozen of them because they're in our young marrieds group-- there is no real sense of community or fellowship. I feel obligated to go because I'm a "Christian" (or as I like to say, Christ-follower) and church is just something you do.
So all this to say, you might not find me front and center at church for a while. We'll go occasionally, but Michael and I have created friendships that we can get fellowship out of, even if it's not in a building doing "church," so going on Sunday is not as much of a priority. And now that it's getting snowier, you're probably more apt to find us trekking up a mountain through the snow on our snowshoes with friends and some hot chocolate! I'd much rather spend my Sundays with good friends, surrounded by God's creation. That way, I won't be more entertained by a piece of candy than the "production" my church is putting on.

The Case of the Blog Identity Crisis

I'm having an identity crisis. I started this blog because I had so many ideas and thoughts running through my head and I wanted to share them and process them here. I wrote about life, and about church, the Bible, Christians, and theology. But as my life has calmed down a bit more and become a bit more routine, I find that I have less to blog about. This may be because of less material and not being around people who question things and make me think (actually, I'm pretty sure that's a huge part), but it may be that my life has changed and I'm in a different place than I was when I started this blog.
But what do I do? I don't want to solely write about "Christian-y" things, but I also don't want to just write about my life-- I don't do that much that anyone (including myself) would want to read about. The first post would be this: "I sat at work today. I didn't do much. Mark told me he is running checks on Wednesday. I got a free water bottle. Michael picked me up to go to my parents' for dinner. The end."
Do things change when you have children, because you can speak on your child and how you raise them? I thought getting married would create more to talk about with marriage philosophy but I find that I read more about what other people think than I do any personal processing. I know where I stand, so I don't have much to process about. I don't feel conflict about it-- I actually read more and get more emotion evoked by others who are in the more traditional camp. But I don't want this blog to be all about bashing others' views and pointing out why I disagree with others. That just sounds boring. If it's applicable to something in my current situation, I might talk about it, but it definitely can't be my focus. I don't have kids, so that's out of the question. I have a niece, but we don't see her that often, and I also don't think anyone wants to hear about my thoughts on someone else's kid...
So I'm here with no motivation and no clear direction. Has blogging for me come to an end? I know of maybe two or three people who read my blog who aren't related to me (and even the ones related to me aren't avid readers). But is a large audience my focus? Why even blog in the first place?
So I guess this is my explanation as to why my blogs lately have seemed to lack "oomph" and passion... because I don't know what passion I have to give. I will be thinking about this more and maybe even trying out a new way/reason to blog, or just write when something is on my mind. I really don't know. But I know that blogging has led me to "meet" new people, interact with them and get to know them, as well as really process how I'm feeling/thinking about something, or just sharing what's on my heart. So, those of you who do read my blog, bear with me and I will soon figure this all out. (And a big thanks to those who do read and comment-- it really means a lot to me. And if you're a reader and have never commented, please, let me know you're there-- I'd love to get to know you!)
Thanks for the patience!

An Answer to Prayer!!

I posted a blog a while ago about not having many friends and being frustrated with the ones I had. The frustrations with those friends I mentioned are still there, if not completely dissolved right along with the friendships. It was more of a mutual, lack-of-continuing to invest in the friendship kind of thing, so it wasn't too rough. We are still civil to each other and enjoy running into each other at church or even REI (that happened yesterday), but we wont make it a point to call or get together.
Being sad and upset over failed friendships isn't what this post is about. Actually, this post is a post of celebration!
After I wrote that post, we were invited to a young marrieds bbq. What happened that night was nothing short of an answer to prayer. The group of people who attended (there were about 4 or 5 couples) clicked and we enjoyed their company late into the night (1am if I remember correctly). And since then, most of the couples TOOK INITIATIVE and invited people over and our friendship grew. All summer, we have been connecting and growing deeper together. We grew enough that now we are going to be in a Bible study with those couples (I'll write a post about that later to digest my thoughts on it).
We found friends who liked us and we liked them. They told us "we want to get to know you, we like you" and we said it back. We have been aching for friends who we can rely on and know have our backs if we ever need them. We needed friends who will open up and share their true selves and we will do the same. And through these friends, we have found all of these things! We have prayed for good friends and even for some specific things, things that we have found in these friends. I don't expect that we'll be friends forever, but for now, we can be together and experience life with them for now... but who knows, they could be life-long friends! We'll see what God and life have in store for us!
Oh, I also have to mention our friends who we went driving up in the mountains with this weekend. We have barely seen them all summer, but this weekend they loved us more than any of our friends have in a long time! We had the most wonderful day with them and hated that we had to end the day early (Michael had to work his last night at the restaurant). We love our friends so much!
And from those friendships as couples, I've ended up deepening friendships with the women. I have had lunch numerous times with one friend, had dinner with another, and have gone to ice cream twice with yet another. Every time, my heart just bursts! I get so excited about making deep girl-friendships! My heart has longed and ached for that, and I'm finally getting it. And the friendships aren't surface-level either-- we talk about deep issues like marriage, family life growing up (and still dealing with), etc.
And my friend from our Meals that Matter group (it's a quarterly thing at our church to sign up and you have dinner once a week for 6-8 weeks with people who live around you... awesome idea!) who we have a scheduled lunch date every Tuesday! Sometimes, we eat together more than once a week, just because we want to and enjoy each other that much. With the other girls from church, I've had to initially initiate the get-together, but with this friend, we do it equally. I've never been pursued as a friend before-- I've always been the one pursuing. And it feels amazing to be told "I like you! I want to spend time with you!" Again, it makes my heart so happy. I walk back to work refreshed and energized by spending time with her. Michael and I are even house-sitting for her and her husband this week!
I am so excited about the answer to prayer that has happened in my life. I just hope things don't turn sour again and I'm back at square one. But this feels different-- these friends want to be friends and want to take the time to grow and develop our friendship. And if I start becoming the one to always initiate again, I will deal with it or just let the friendship fizzle away to courtesy because the other person obviously isn't interested enough to keep it going.
So, praise Jesus! :-) I have found friends! Friends I can connect with and grow with, be there for and embrace. I am just so excited about where life is headed in regards to friendships... now if only we can make the guys connect more outside of a group setting and Michael can gain some solid friendships as well! That's my next prayer... let's see God work!

Why Oh Why Did the DNC Have to be Here?

I'm already sick and tired of the Democratic National Convention (DNC). I wouldn't mind at all if I didn't
1) work downtown
2) live right off of Speer Blvd.
3) people didn't treat the DNC and the protesters like the end of the world (ie riots, teargas, people throwing mailboxes into cars [no joke, they removed all drop-boxes from the street because of the fear that people would pick them up and throw them... come on, people!])
It's already crazy! Michael and I missed church yesterday because of traffic issues caused by the streets closing down! We sat at the same light for 15 minutes watching cars drive into the middle of the intersection (even though they could see traffic wasn't going anywhere), and people making U-turns to go south on Speer... Oh, and did I mention the next light was broken and not turning green? Oh yeah, that was loads of fun. And all the roads being turned into one lane? That was fun too! By the time we would have made it though both intersections, we would have gotten to church halfway through the sermon! Michael was yelling at all the people on the sidewalk and the other cars "GO HOME!" I feel the exact same way!
It was Sunday, nothing was even really going on, and people are already acting like idiots and there were people already arrested last night... ugh! And I have to be downtown to work. We have the option to go home at noon and work from home, but I have the issue of the fact that my whole job is to be AT WORK! I can't answer the phones from home! I can't transfer calls from my cell phone! I'm stuck here till my boss says I can go home (that is, if everyone else goes home... please! everyone go home so I can too!!!) That didn't sound too desperate, did it? Well, it'll give me a lot of time to... uh... read/write blogs and mess around doing nothing... hopefully someone finds something for me to do-- not likely, but possible!
Be thankful if you are not in Denver, Colorado this week! Watch the coverage from your living room, away from the chaos and overreactions! This madness needs to end!
[Oh, and I have to just state my feelings about the protesters-- they're really dumb! No one even knows why they're here or what they're protesting for! I do know that there is a group protesting for peace, even though Democrats tend to be anti-war... I just don't get some people...]

The Five Country Plan

I've never mentioned on here my views and hopes for children, so I thought I'd enlighten you (and be able to process this whole thing a little bit). Michael and I have been married for 5 months and we are nowhere near wanting to have children. We do joke around that when his sister, April, has her baby (it could be any day now...), Izzy (the baby--her name is going to be Elizabeth) will be our guinea-pig in dealing with a child. I've done nannying but it is nowhere near the same thing as having your own, and I have a feeling that Izzy will be the same way. We wont have to get up with her every 3 hours, and can give her back to April when she's fussy. But we'll see... because currently, the thought of having a child makes my heart race-- a sure sign I'm not emotionally ready to have a child.
On a recent blog post I read, it introduced me to the idea of leading a quiverful lifestyle in regards to childbearing. I'd never heard of it, having been raised in a pretty relaxed and non-traditional household. People who adhere to the quiverful ideas say that any sort of prevention of having a child (including abstaining from sex during ovulation [aka natural family planning]) is a sin; that God creates life and we should not stand in the way of God's life-giving powers... if you know me at all, you can safely guess that I don't think that is legit.
But I must admit, it did get me thinking. The blog I read linked to another blog that started the whole discussion. The idea that I took out of it was the idea that married couples don't tend to consult God in their reproductive decisions. Michael and I had never discussed what we thought God thought about us having children. So from that blog, Michael and I got into a pretty interesting discussion about what we thought God would want from us, if using contraception really was a sin (we don't think it is), and, like the original author of the blog was discussing, we had a discussion surrounding the idea of God and contraception.
But even though we don't think that we are sinning or preventing God from creating life (which he could do even with using birth control), we know that we are not anywhere near ready to have responsibility for a child's life. We barely make enough money as it is, and we're only in our early 20s for crying out loud! We could wait 10 years and still have plenty of time to have more than one kid!
Another aspect to our decision is that we want to experience life first. We want to travel, we want to live a life that is not dictated or restrained by having a child. Yes, I understand that children are a blessing, but where we are in life right now, we don't see it that way. If we ended up getting pregnant, we would embrace it and love that child more than we could imagine, but if we can prevent it and lead our life sans children for a while, we would like to do that.
But the question arises: is that selfish? Is that too self-centered? Is it okay to be all about us? What if we're not meant to even have children? (Even my sister pointed out "you don't even like kids"... I'm sure it'd be different if they were mine, but what if that's true? What if I wouldn't like my future children?) Is it socially (especially in the church) acceptable to choose to not have children?
We've decided on a 5-country plan for deciding when to have kids: we want to travel to 5 different countries before we have any kids (we know that is completely unrealistic, so it's actually "after Michael is done with school [in 2 years] we'll reassess the situation" plan)... but we can dream!
How do people decide when to have kids? When it's an unplanned thing, you obviously have no choice, but if you get married, how have other people made that decision? Do you just get the "baby bug" and that's when you start trying? There are just so many questions surrounding this seemingly small subject... I'll be wrestling with this one for a while.
Oh, and if we're lucky to make it to one country, we'll be happy :-)

Brushing the Dust Off My Bible

I got together with a friend the other night who goes to school in California, so it was great to see her! She's two years younger than me, but since we were in middle school, we've really been able to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, including life in general. She is actually the catalyst to me exploring my thoughts and ideas of egalitarian vs. complimentarian marriages. We always have great conversations whenever we get together, whether in person or for a "phone date."
Anyway, she was telling me about how great life has been for her being connected at her church, doing a Bible study with her mentor, and getting to know Christian friends at her church.
I'm so excited for her and where life is taking her, but her excitement also made me realize that I lacked that enthusiasm for anything regarding church. Don't get me wrong, I love the church we go to and we love the friends we're making, but when it comes to actual church and the Bible, a big yawn comes out of my mouth.
I don't know if it's just a phase, or if it's a sign of something bigger. I've always struggled with having a good, quality, more than once a month quiet time. I know that they're important and when I have my high phase, I really enjoy it. But when I'm in the place I'm in now, the Bible seems boring, more like a textbook that you have to read to do well in life... not a way to connect to our heavenly creator who loves us. Michael and I tried to read together but doing it at night leaves very little time for discussion before we're both falling asleep.
The time I did it most consistently was when I was in school and nannying-- the kid(s) napped and I did my quiet time. Since I nannied about 2-3 times a week, it kept me on a pretty regular schedule for a quiet time. But once that stopped, and especially now that I have a full-time job, it's even harder. I can't do it at lunch because it's way too distracting sitting out on 16th Street Mall (you can't believe the great people watching that happens by sitting out there!), and I hate staying cooped up in the office all day without any fresh air. As I write that it sounds like excuses, but should a quiet time require me being miserable (if I stayed in the office the whole day)? And if I do it when I get home, I haven't seen Michael all day and it's dinner time when I get home. And if I do it in the morning, I'd probably fall back asleep because I get up really early as it is. I don't feel like there's any time to have a good quiet time. I pray occasionally when I'm walking to and from work, but that's definitely not enough.
How do people do it? What kinds of sacrifices need to be made to have a relatively consistent quiet time? Should it be a sacrifice? Because getting together with my friend the other night was anything but a sacrifice-- I was looking forward to seeing her since we scheduled a time to meet! I know that I should have that enthusiasm for reading the Bible and connecting with God, but when I struggle to connect with Him, it isn't as exciting to think about "getting together" with God. If I have a friend or coworker who is not as easy to talk to or connect with (at some points it's even painful), I don't look forward to talking to them or getting together with them; and if I do, I'm just waiting till the whole thing is over. And honestly, that's how I tend to feel about God and the Bible. I don't get anything out of it, and it feels like a one-sided conversation. I'm not good at sitting still and listening-- I just don't function that way, so "hearing from God" is a vague and illusive concept for me. I get feelings-- being uneasy, feeling at peace, a nagging on my mind, etc., but never a clear path or writing on the wall. Maybe it'd feel more like that if I spent more time with God and reading the Bible, but, as you can see, it's a vicious cycle.
So I guess this whole thing is for me to process how I'm feeling, as well as to seek any advice from people. Advice is the wrong word... what I'd love to know is how others connect with God and especially if they're working people, how they find the time to connect with God during the work-week. Obviously just sitting in church waiting for it to end so we can talk to our friends and leaving my Bible untouched for weeks (if not months) at a time isn't working for me. I need some different ideas or some good recommendations for books, Bible studies, etc.

"I'm Gonna Make You a Star!"

Michael has been involved in the worship at our church, which means he is also involved elsewhere in the service. So, for whatever reason, he was asked to help shoot a video for one of the services-- the sermon topic was why it isn't good to go throughout life alone. Well, Michael was a star! Everyone was laughing so hard! The guy who filmed it, James, did an awesome job editing the video and even put it up on youtube. Check out his other stuff here. He's actually pretty funny (but I have a pretty strange sense of humor so take my opinion with a grain of salt...) But here's the video. It's entertaining, to say the least.

"All By Myself"

Pathways, my church, has started a series titled "Friends with Benefits." No, it's not about that... It's about the benefits that friendships and relationships bring to someone and how absolutely essential they are to someone's life and well-being.
This week's topic was loneliness. I can honestly I have experienced my fair share of loneliness because of a lack of friends. I have spent my entire life having friends for a period of time, and then for one reason or another, I end up back at square one. And continuing to experience that feeling makes each time that much lonelier than the last.
It's been difficult for me over these last few months because, well, Michael and I got married and moved to a new area. We know our landlords (the woman married us), but that's about it. We've made friends at our church through the young marrieds group, but those friendships are struggling. There are numerous, complicated reasons for different people acting and reacting the way they do and why Michael and I end up as the initiators with every friendship we find ourselves in. How do people not end up calling one another? How does it fall on certain people? Are the only friendships worth pursuing and growing the ones that show mutual interest and initiation? Do people just "click"? Is that the only way you know that they'll be good/healthy friendships? And how quickly do you delve into a friendship? Can you just create it overnight or does it have to take a lot of time to really get to know them and to know what kind of people/person they really are? Because if you click, wouldn't you assume that you'd be good friends? Or is that too shallow of a point of view of it?
These thoughts have been running through my head since Sunday and really bugs me that the topic of loneliness struck me so deep to the core. Honestly, it wasn't that great of a sermon and didn't really teach me anything new, but it did stir up those emotions to get me motivated to do something about it-- call a friend to get together for lunch, attend the knitting club, plan a get-together with a different friend/acquaintance. But as a side note, it just really bugs me that the purpose of the young marrieds group was to make friends, but no one seems to have the time or motivation to do so... irritating. Anyway, I have been praying a lot about this and keep hoping that God will bring the right people into Michael's and my life. To find friends like my parents have-- they've had the same friends since about the time I was born (I'm 22). Where are these kinds of people? How do you find them?
Well, we'll see how life goes. I attended a knitting club last night and it was a fun time! A very diverse group of women, but very interesting and lively conversation! So we'll see what comes from that! And continuing to invest in the friendships I already have and try to strengthen and grow those friendships. What an exhausting feat!

Missing Emergent Churches

Last Sunday at church, Michael had the honor of singing with the worship band. (He wouldn't let me take any pictures...) He was asked to sing the song "Fix You," by Coldplay as a solo because the key was too high for the worship leader. At the second service, he got a standing ovation! (It was weird because our church rarely claps after any song.) He absolutely blew them away! I was so proud of him. (I think he sang it way better, but that's my biased opinion... ;-)



So after that performance, our worship leader asked Michael to join him in playing for a conference that was being hosted here in town. Not thinking too much of it, he agreed. Well, it turned out it was an emergent conference where Tony Jones and Doug Paggit (sp??) were attending. (I shook Tony Jones' hand... there's my "emergent" claim to fame ;-) We were part of an emergent church, and had missed it. The church we go to now is somewhat emergent, but there are aspects that are missing that we really enjoyed. So it was so refreshing to be there and get to experience an emergent community again. It took a little getting used to it again, but once we did it was a supernatural experience. They had about 6 prayer stations set up, and each one spoke directly to something that was going on in my life. It was awesome!
After that was over, we discussed how the friends we are making at church are good friends, but we don't always see eye to eye on issues. Needless to say, we are definitely the odd couple out. In emergent groups, our way of thinking and living are "normal," not different or weird. We tend to butt heads with our friends who are not familiar with "emergent ideas" when it comes to ideas of missional, community, love, and church. Although we love our church and will continue attending, it was very apparent that we should get hooked up with the emergent cohort in Denver. Exciting! I'm sure I'll see some of you around!

Guest Blog- Is Grace That Amazing?

This is a little belated (unfortunately, continued job searching for a better job takes priority over blogging) but I posted a blog on Jason Clark's blog. You can find it here. I wrote about grace and what it means in our everyday lives. I had some other thoughts that came from that blog, so I'll digest them here!
After the sermon on grace and discussing it in our young marrieds group, it was weighing heavily on my mind. Grace is a big deal to me, as well as the hardest thing for me to give. Anyway, the discussion in our group was very interesting because it all of a sudden turned from giving grace in general to needing to give grace to churches we've been to. Most of the people in the group we were in had been burned by a church (or more). We started sharing bits and pieces of our stories and we found that it's easier to give grace to other fallen people, but it seems more difficult to give it to churches who have been significant in our lives.
In my own life, and I'll try to keep this brief, the church I went to in high school really messed me up when it came to seeing the good in church. The youth pastor was selfish; he played favorites and ignored everyone else; he didn't do anything a youth pastor is supposed to do like take people out to lunch, spend quality time with people, etc.; he never invested in the students' lives; if someone disagreed with him, he treated them like shit (pardon my language)... need I go on? I've been relatively defiant my entire life. If someone says I HAVE to do something, and I don't get a good reason why or don't think it's right, I have a very hard time doing it, if at all. So needless to say, my youth pastor and I butted heads more than once. But he was my "church authority" and what he said was "right." You can guess how well that sat with me. So the only real authority that I knew in the church was false and seemed to always be wrong-- how am I supposed to deal with that? If he's always wrong, are all pastors and youth pastors wrong? Can I trust what they teach me? Is there some sort of agenda to what they say? Thankfully, that is not always true. Unfortunately, it can be, but for me, I found some wonderful churches and teachers/pastors who were not the embodiment of everything wrong with churches today.
Well, when the church I was going to during my adolescent years-- the years where identity is explored and authority is questioned and speculated-- the authority was corrupt and false. They taught harmful doctrine (especially when it came to personal relationships like dating and marriage as well as what a "good Christian" looks like) and so I was held down and manipulated with that doctrine. I'm sure you can see the the still-present hurt and pain and wounds that have come from that church.
So, in regards to grace, how can I give grace to a place that claimed to love and follow God's teaching when, in fact, was showing anything but? I know there are lots of other examples of things that were wrong and hurtful from that church, not just my own but others' experiences, as well as other churches I've been to. No church is perfect, just like the people who attend them. But when a church is supposed to be the personification of Christ-- His bride-- shouldn't there be a higher standard? How can I forgive my youth pastor whose actions cut deeper than any other wound ever has? And he represents the church I attended. Can I separate the people from the church and give grace and forgiveness to them? Can I fully embrace the fact that they (the people of the church) believe they are doing what they think God is wanting them to do and that the only real issue is that there is a disagreement of doctrine and interpretation? Well, I sure hope someone else can give them grace, because that will be a struggle for me to show grace to any church that holds people down with false and dominating doctrine. So thankfully God has grace for them, because me, a fallen sinner, cannot give it to them (yet, anyway).

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

At the church I attend in Denver, they have been doing a series on doubt. It's been a very meaningful series and has made me think a lot. My biggest struggle was the fact that I felt that I did not have any real doubts. But as this series continued and as I would think about the sermons during the week, I realized there were some deep doubts and major questions and struggles that I have. The biggest one I have always seemed to struggle with is friendships. I've always had friends, it's keeping them that is my problem. It seemed every year of school I would lose my friends to some extenuating circumstances-- moving away, leaving the school, etc. So each school year I would have to start from scratch at finding new friends. I would through the doors on the first day of school friendless, and thankfully God blessed me by finding great friends during that year. Unfortunately, more times than not, at the end of the year, something would happen (or nothing, but the friendship would be over for whatever reason) and the process would happen all over again. That is how I've seen God work in my life to bring me great friends every year, but the questions I still have are: "Why did they have to end? Why did I have to start over fresh every year? Why can't I hold onto these friendships? Were they even real friends?" To go along with that, not only did I have friendships end, they ended badly. They didn't just move on or fade out, but they actually ended with hurt feelings and resentment-- reasons I could point my finger to and still have lingering hurt from. They have been friendships that I thought were deep and possibly life-long. I spent an entire summer after high school having to deal with this-- let's just say I hate when it happens again. So when it does happen again, I realized I turn to God and ask, "WHY!?!? Why me? Why again? I thought this was a one-time...two-time... thing!" How can God, when He knows how important friendships are to me, how much I struggle with them, and how important fellowship is in general, let friendships end terribly or people let you down or betray you? If it is something that I'm doing (since I am the common denominator in all those failed-friendships) why can't I figure out what it is? Why do I have to keep going through this? I understand friendships ending naturally or gradually, but why must some end with such hurt or bitterness? I have tried to reconcile with people from my past and even though we forgave each other and talked honestly with each other, there is still hurt there-- even after 3 1/2 years! Where is the love and grace that God promises? These were church people and they left my high-and-dry... How could God let someone who was a leader and those who said they loved God treat someone so terribly? How could my heart endure that kind of pain? That kind of abandonment?

And this goes for church-relationships as well. I have been a part of numerous churches and all seemed to end badly. It wasn't just a "oh, I'm leaving because of ___ (a non-issue like leaving for college)" but a "the people in this church hate me/ignore me/patronize me/etc." Is there something I'm doing to have no choice but to leave every church I attend? It's a bit heart-breaking when I'm suddenly not accepted where I was loved the day before.
Another issue I have is why the church so divided. This is my biggest question when it comes to church. When the message of Jesus was pretty simple, why are there countless churches on every street corner, each one pretty much at war with one another over minute, mundane details and interpretations? I had a discussion with a guy my sister and I barista with about church divisions. He talked about how in Acts (I think) there were tons of churches, but they were all united under one cause and one reason. There were only different ones because of location, not differing beliefs. And yet, over time, different churches came to mean you had to have xyz belief and think those with abc belief are stupid, ignorant, devil-worshiping, blasphemist, going straight to hell ... you fill in the blank. I can't understand when every Christian church says they love God and are following the teachings of Jesus and yet are so full of hate or disdain or prejudice. Is it possible for us all to be right? Or are we all wrong? Are there people who are doing things right? Is it possible to be doing it all right when we're also doing it all wrong? Is there an absolute right and absolute wrongs?

I don't think there are any answers for any of my endless questions. But that is what is great-- I can ask the questions, process them, research them, discuss them, etc. I just can't let those doubts lead me away from God but towards Him. God is a mystery and we are fallen people... that's the most important thing to remember!

Wow! And here I thought I didn't have any doubts or questions... This post was a lot more exposing and deep that I anticipated. Well, this is what I'm dealing with! Life's all about being real, right? Well, I'm trying to work every day to understand and be drawn closer to God through my struggles and my questions. I pray that God reveals Himself to me, and to others who have questions and struggles weighing on their hearts. I pray that God can take away the hurt and the pain, and replace it with love and compassion... not an easy process by any means.

Denver Here I Come!

I have written quite a few blogs about moving to London... well, that's not gonna happen for a while. God finally placed a peace on my heart about not going right away. I still have the desire to go, so after Michael and I are married for a couple years (and he finishes school), we'll re-evaluate our situation. In the meantime, I have made the decision to move down to Denver, CO. It's about an hour and a half south of Fort Collins, where I currently reside. I will graduate on December 15th and move home with my parents. I love my parents, so it hopefully wont be too bad! Also, Michael is already in Denver at least 3 days out of the week, and there are a LOT more work opportunities for me down there!

We have had to make the difficult decision to leave Fort Collins, our friends, and our church. But God is taking us on a journey that requires sacrifice and obedience-- and we want to be as aligned with God's will as we possibly can. We have already been talking about how we will take the ideals and callings that we have learned about and heard from God to our new surroundings. We want to continue to be missional to those around us, to live in a community where we can connect with as many people as possible, and to find a church that will continue to help us grow and connect. We also want a church that encourages their attendees to go out and reach their communities.

Well, for Easter this last year, Michael and I went with my dad (it was snowing really hard so my mom decided to stay home and sit by the fire) to the church they attend. We absolutely loved it! So we have started attending that church and have begun to get connected there. We joined the young marrieds group at the church, because once we're married we're no longer single (so we can't join that group) and we wont be in college (can't join that group either). There are a lot of groups, but we see it as an opportunity to get to know even more people! The young marrieds group has actually been a real blessing to us. We read this book called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman. I would highly recommend it for anyone, no matter how long or short they've been together. It has amazing insight and helps couples realize parts of themselves and their marriage, and most importantly how they fight, and helps couples fix those problems. The group and the book have been very good for us as we are trying to learn and grow as much as possible before we tie the knot. Hearing couples talk about the struggles they have, what they fight about, how they deal with difficult issues, and being real with one another has been more beneficial than we could have ever imagined. We have also found other Christian friends. Both Michael and I have struggled with having friends, so having a place where we can connect with others who are in a similar situation in life is very exciting! We're by far the youngest people there and the only engaged couple ;-) Thankfully the leaders of the group were more than willing to let us join the group as an engaged couple!
We are excited to start the next phase of our lives and see where God takes us and see who He sends along in our lives. There will be more updates as moving actually happens (I'm trying to pack and take stuff home early so I don't have a recreation of what happened this summer!) and when the wedding gets closer! So now I gotta go find a job... what fun!

Holding Signs on a Street Corner

I wrote a post recently on Jason Clark's blog about being intolerant of the intolerant. I mentioned that it is important to confront those people and love them just the same. Well, I've realized over the past few days that there is a certain group of people I actually have a very hard time finding the capacity to love. If you've read my blog, you know that loving others is a big deal to me. But I have found my weak-spot. At church on Sunday, they showed a short clip of pictures from rallies (mostly to do with anti-homosexuality), church signs, etc. about repentance, and any sort of hateful agenda. Looking at those pictures made me sick to my stomach. There was a picture of a little girl-- she couldn't have been more that 10-- holding a sign that said "Got AIDS yet?" I just about threw up. It outraged me! And the thought struck me-- I'm feeling hateful towards the hateful. I will say that the tactics of some of the churches-- like putting those clear letters up to make a statement on their church's sign-- are just ineffective and useless. But what about the people standing on the street corner with a sign full of lists of people who they think are condemned and going to hell? And then turning around and telling them that God loves them and wants to save them... I'm missing the connection. How would throwing hate towards someone want to make them convert or even consider repenting for whatever sins they have? I wouldn't want to be part of that religion, that's for sure.
My mom said a very interesting thing about the clip and the whole idea of people (meaning Christians) acting that way-- it's embarrassing and humiliating as a Christian to see others do that under the label of "Christianity." Being a "Christ follower" is a much better label for myself and others that I know. When non-Christians hear that someone is a Christian, they put them into the group with the sign-holders and hate-throwers. Our faith and religion are supposed to be about love, and yet has become labeled with hate. There is something drastically wrong with that. We have gotten so far away from what Jesus originally called us to do. But really, how do we respond to the "Christians" who do nothing but show hate and contempt towards others? I can understand not agreeing with others' lifestyles or choices, but when hate comes into the picture, what are we supposed to do? Stand on the opposing corner with signs saying "I love you"? I'm at a loss and my heart is broken for those people. I recently watched a documentary where one of the men in it said, "They're so full of hate, they don't even realize how hateful they are." What are we, as Christ followers, supposed to do? Because just saying we need to love can only go so far... what can we do?

"Little Miss Sunshine's" Deeper Meaning

So I had the honor of writing a post for Jason Clark's blog again and I would love for everyone to go check it out and comment on it! I wrote about the movie Little Miss Sunshine and how the father was redeemed throughout the movie and how he redeemed his family. It came from a church sermon I heard at my parent's church I visited a few weeks ago. I love movies and finding deeper meanings so it was right up my alley! Go check it out!

Love and Chocolate

"Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside, whose people believed in Tranquilité - Tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you. You knew your place in the scheme of things. And if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you. In this village, if you saw something you weren't supposed to see, you learned to look the other way. If perchance your hopes had been disappointed, you learned never to ask for more. So through good times and bad, famine and feast, the villagers held fast to their traditions. Until, one winter day, a sly wind blew in from the North..."

This is the opening monologue in the movie, "Chocolat." I was watching it a few nights ago with two of my girl friends (Johnny Depp + chocolate = great girl's night!) and as much as I adore the movie, I was struck by the deep theological ideas/symbolism that the movie portrayed. When not drooling over Johnny Depp, I actually was amazed by the great picture of the church that the movie symbolized.
The movie is about a woman, Vianne-- unmarried with a daughter, neither one attends church-- who open a chocolate shop in a very quiet, traditional French town. This woman wears brightly colored dresses and shoes and befriends the people of the town (and visitors) who the town ignores or even "boycotts." Try as the mayor and the priest may, they cannot dissuade people from going to the chocolate shop.
Because the priest and the mayor do not agree with what Vianne does, they use the pulpit to convince the people that the chocolate that she sells and the friendship that she offers is evil and essentially like befriending the devil. The mayor goes around the town gossiping about Vianne and putting a negative light on everything about her, considering her and her chocolate "shameless" and "the enemy."
One day, a group of "pirates" (well, they're actually "river rats"-- as if that's any better) come to the village. They are seen as untouchables. However, as the town posts signs stating "boycott immorality," Vianne welcomes them to her shop with open arms, and a chocolate treat. Almost everyone in the town looks down on her actions, but the river rats all appreciate her hospitality. They even allow her to host a party on her boat. I must say, she and the guests of the party all looked like they were having a heck of a lot more fun than the people of the village...

In the end, everyone--including the hard-ass mayor-- come to realize the power of her unconditional and nonjudgmental love and friendship. (Sorry if I spoiled the movie... it's been out for 7 years, so I don't feel bad!)

So... that was a nice story... why write about it you ask. Well, I looked at it though the church's eye. Go back and read it again if you need to with this in mind: think of the town as the traditional church; Vianne as churches (and people) that are doing things a "bit differently" that the traditional church gasps at; the river rats as those that the traditional church shuns and puts down: homosexuals, the homeless, "sinners", etc. ... Read it again... It all comes together, doesn't it?!

God calls us all to be like Vianne. We need to stand strong in our own beliefs and love everyone, despite what others may think of them or what the "church" teaches about them. We need to stand out with our nonjudgmenal love and grace for people. We need to look beyond what "the church" teaches us to believe about them. There is truly nothing wrong with chocolate, and yet the mayor and the priest were able to convince the people of the town that it was evil. We need to think for ourselves and question what we are taught, especially to see if there is some kind of agenda behind it. We need to stand strong! We need to accept and even risk making enemies with others. Who knew that giving love to people could make others so mad? Mix things up a bit and bring light into dark places, places that have forgotten how to laugh, cry, and be joyful. Finally, give out chocolate-- you never know whose life you're going to change!

What name do you give God?

Some very thought-provoking ideas are discussed on Michael's blog. It really makes you think about how we worship our God, especially how we identify Him. Go check it out! Leave a comment (show some love) if you feel the urge ;-)

Women: Submission

So the here is the anticipated "submission" blog. I have a few things to say about it. The Ephesians passage is very popular for keeping women in submission and men in power in the relationship. Here's the passage:

22Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

~Ephesians 5:22-33

This passage embodies the entire reason we had this discussion in the first place. I don't have much more to say about this because my other blogs pretty much sum up my feelings about the subject. However, I will tell you about some of the things I learned about this passage and shared with my Bible study. First, we discussed the meaning of submission. Everyone else defined it as "respect" which I can totally agree with. However, when they were talking about how relationships/marriages should work, it was the women following blindly behind what the husband is passionate about and called to. The feeling I got about their definition of respect was letting the man get his way and make all the decisions, and not disputing his decision. When looking at the dictionary definition of submit, this is what I found:

sub·mit /səbˈmɪt/ –verb (used with object)
1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others
4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose
5. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
6. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
7. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.: I submit to your superior judgment.

It was pointed out that I saw and talked about submission in a negative light. When looking at this definition and also how I have seen it work in relationships, I don't see how I couldn't. I know and understand that for a gazillion years, the church has taught that women should submit to their husbands and that is what God has called all women to do, but is that necessarily true? For a long time, the church in America supported slavery and the discrimination of black people. Churches wouldn't let African-American people through their doors. They did not see them as equals, even though God created them equal. Today, churches no longer deny African-Americans access to their church-- they changed their minds and realized that God created all people the same, no matter what their skin color was. Why can't the church change their mind about women as well?

And speaking of the treatment of women in regards to the treatment of African-Americans, I was told an interesting analogy about what women are doing to themselves when they support inequality in relationships-- it is like an African American supporting slavery during the Civil Rights Movement... Why wouldn't women want to have an equal say? Why would they want to give all of the power to men? I understand that women have been taught that they need to submit and that may be a conviction of theirs, but I do not understand how, when faced with the idea of equality, they resist it.
I have to admit that at one point in my life (not too long ago, actually) I believed what I'm now against. However, I started to research this topic and really look into how I felt about the subject after a casual conversation with a great friend of mine. We were talking about relationships and what our ideal relationships are. I mentioned that I wanted the man as a leader, and she asked me why. I tried to give her an answer but I'm sure it was non-understandable. She said that she didn't want a man to rule over her, that she is a strong woman with her own ideas and her own passions. I referred her to another friend who had a lot more answers than I could give. I ended up talking to my "referral"-friend about it and that's what really got the ball rolling. I have since made up my own mind and done my own research. The whole point of this is, when confronted with a different idea and a different way of thinking (especially a way that gives me more of a say and role in a relationship), I did not run away or resist it-- I embraced it and took it on myself to explore and discover my beliefs. I could just as easily gone the other way and came to believe even stronger that women should be submissive to men. But I made up my own mind-- I wish that all women would do the same. Actually, I wish everyone would do that and make up their own minds about everything the church teaches (but that's a whole other blog post idea... and I'm not getting into that now). How much more freeing is life when you own it and embrace your convictions as your own. They're not all going to be the same-- it'd be boring if they were-- but at least everyone would know why they believe what they believe.

Now that all that is out of the way, here was my explanation of the Ephesians passage. First off, the book of Ephesians is a letter. Each verse was not it's own separate idea or theology--it is one long idea within the whole letter. Taking one verse out of a bunch (don't ask me to count!) is pretty much "Bible dipping." (I wrote a whole blog about that a while ago.) People pick and choose verses out of the Bible to support their ideas, giving no room for God to move and actually speak to them. God speaks of love, respect, and grace throughout the entire Bible, so why would those verses not speak of those as well? The verses must also be taken in context.

That's the other point: The letter to the Ephesians was a letter to a specific culture and city. The people of Ephesis (is that right?) had laws about women being submissive and that men rule women. So when Paul told women to be submissive to their husbands, he was telling them to follow the law. God calls us to follow His laws, but to also follow the laws of the country/city we're living in. And if we break the laws of our government, we are breaking the law of God. If the women all decided to stop being submissive in that culture, there would be mass chaos and mayhem. They would be out of control and not constructive in changing their lives. However, women in the US have full rights... so wanting and demanding equal rights is not against the law. The law actually encourages it. But women aren't embracing that. They are taking their equality to the voting booths, but not to their own homes. Isn't their homes the place that has more meaning? Being able to vote is useless if you aren't equal in the eyes of your husband. More than likely, and I'm just speculating here, submissive wives' views in politics greatly weighs or even mirrors their husbands' views, so they really aren't having a different voice anyway. But that's just speculation.

Last but not least, the man's call. They are not called to dominate over their wives. They are called to love and respect their wives as they love their bodies. I don't see men demeaning their bodies, putting them down, making their bodies inferior to their mind. They treat it with respect and love and spend hours at the gym/working out making it all that it can be. That doesn't sound like domination to me! Men are called to lift their wives up, help them along their journey in becoming the women they were called to be, to respect their wives and love, see, and treat them as Christ sees and loves them-- not as lesser beings, but as one and the same. Christ was not about power and domination, so why are men "called" to do so? That is one thing I can say I do not understand. But women are also called to respect their husbands, so let's not forget that. But respect is not interchangeable with submission. Respecting your husband/wife does not mean they are better than the other. It is an expression of love. If you love your wife/husband, you will respect them. Simple as that!

All in all, the main point in all of this blogging and discussion is that women are equal. (did I really have to say that?) And they need to fight for the right to be so in their relationships. They need to stand up for themselves. They are not called to rule over their husbands as much as their husbands are not called to rule over their wives. They are called to mutual respect and love. They should submit to each other and learn to compromise. And women should stand up together and encourage each other to live the equal life that God created all women to live. Men and women are called to love as Christ loves the church-- you do that, and you can't go wrong!

Here are a few websites that have more info on equality in relationships, the church, etc.:

http://www.cbeinternational.org/new/free_articles/bib_eq_101.shtml

http://www.cbeinternational.org/new/free_articles/award_winning.shtml

http://www.jesuscreed.org/?cat=27

Women: Created as Equals and Roles in Relationships

God created men and women as equals
Also, it was discussed that Christ was the head of the church, so men are the head of women........ connection? I don't see it either. My rebuttal (I mean response :-) to that was that Jesus was the bridegroom and the church is the bride, and if taken in the equality light, they (the bride and groom) are equal so no one is over the other. Christ is God, and God is over everything and without gender, so equating a male dominance based on God being over everything makes no sense. If God is over everything, He is over everyone, including women. So with the previous idea, who should be over who? (or is it whom?)-- wait, am I starting to see a position of equality? I think I am! God created men and women equally-- Eve was Adam's ezer [one who is truly fitting and fully adequate- just right; means 'one who helps'; it does not refer to someone who is secondary or inferior; 'like him'; literally 'as agreeing to him or his counterpart']-- his equal. God wants men and women to live in harmony with each other, neither one being better than the other, but fulfilling their unique call from God, with no regard to their biological makeup:

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for all of you are one in Christ Jesus."
~ Galatians 3:26-28

Men and women are equals in marriage because God created men and women as equals and views them as equals. God looks at their hearts and calls them as His children, and does not change His calling because someone is a man or as a woman. God does not talk to someone more or less because they have a penis or vagina. If they are seeking God's heart, a relationship will form and they will walk in God's will for their lives, as well as their marriage. And a marriage is not, as John MacArther says, that a man is like the sun, shining God's full glory, and that women are like the moon, shining a reflected glory from men. (I think I threw up a little in my mouth) (Thanks to Molly for that little tid-bit!)
Also, if God made women as equals to men (which everyone agreed with), why would women become less in a marriage? Why would they not be as much as a person or have as much of a say the instant they have a ring on their left hand? BOO-YA! No one one had a response to that and the topic was quickly changed! (I won that! wait, this wasn't a debate...)
But seriously, how can they believe that women and men are created equal but they are not equal in marriage? I mentioned that it was only after the fall that women were told that men would rule over them. It is because of their fallen state that men's pride and egos would take over and oppress women. It may not go to the extreme of abuse, but if you're keeping a woman in the kitchen and only letting her out to take care of the children and clean the house, how is that not a form of oppression? Women may choose to be a stay-at-home mom, which I want to do someday (screw having a career!), but it is the woman's choice, not her duty to do so. It is a calling on their life and their role in the marriage that a woman does so, not a God-given role for every woman everywhere. I have a friend, in fact, who once she graduates will be a female chemist. Her boyfriend (and soon-to-be husband) is in school to be an accountant. Can you guess who will be making more money? They'll be well-off financially, but she will be more powerful and make more money in the workplace. God has given her that talent and that passion. Should she reject that because "the church" says she should be a certain way? She may eventually take time off to be a mother, but she may not. Is that wrong? I don't think so. If God calls her to a certain career and not to stay at home, then she's actually going against God's calling on her life if she stays at home. She may find the cure for cancer (am I putting her future on a pedestal?) and that is God's purpose for her life, but because she chose to do what someone else told her she "should" do because she was a woman, she will not fulfill what God set her out to do. I know that's an extreme example, but on a much smaller and realistic scale, that's what "the church" is telling women to do-- who cares about your passions/calling/desires, it's all about your husband and his calling and passions; stay at home and be the perfect housewife and God will bless that because that is your God-given role. If women are so different, why would the church tell them all to be the same? Wait, it's men who are in charge...

Well, that's the end of part three! Stay tuned for part four!

Women: Leadership in a relationship

What is a leader?
The next discussion turned to what a leader is. We discussed what the general definition of a leader was, and what a leader was in a relationship. A general leader was defined as two things: First, someone who is passionate and inspires others to follow them/their example. Second, someone who tells people what to do and how to do it. What is a leader in a relationship? No one could give a good answer. Why should a man, just because he is a man, be able to have the final say? Why do women not have as much right in a marriage to give their opinion and be involved equally in the decision-making? Just because they are a man, does that mean they are automatically smarter/wiser/more in-tuned with God? Do women lose all opinions and decision-making abilities when they say "I do"? One of the girls even said, flat out, that men should get the final say and ended the statement with, "even though I'm totally not like that." Then why do it? If you don't agree with it or believe it, why do it? Just because someone told you that was the way it should be done? She's already putting aside her own ideas for someone else's (and I can't resist saying that a guy convinced her that men as the head of the relationship is the "right" way-- I don't get it, I just don't!).
There were a few examples that we discussed regarding leadership and decision-making. The first was the game "Follow the Leader." One of the girls used this as an example that, although everyone was following the leader, they were in fact following the person in front of them (symbolic of the man). The man is taking direction from the leader who is giving direction to the woman. (*roll of eyes*) They denied the fact that a leader in a relationship is someone who tells everyone else what to do and how to do it.... except, if the leader is telling/leading everyone to go left, they're doing what the leader is telling them to do. I'm not seeing the difference in this analogy.
The other issue we discussed, with a lot more heat under it I might add, was who makes the decisions. Does someone have the final say? How are decisions made? The example that was used was a couple moving. Who makes the decision of where to move or even if they move at all? When discussing this topic with my very wise friend, she explained to me the way her (egalitarian) marriage works: They only make a decision if they both agree or get the same calling/vision. If they don't agree or have the same calling, they don't move a muscle. Only when God gives them the same calling do they do anything. They discuss every decision together and come to a conclusion together-- neither person gets more of a say than the other. This idea went kinda over the heads of my Bible studiers. One scenario that was brought up was: what if one person wants to move (actually it was the wife in this example) and the man doesn't? Since they can't agree to move so they don't go anywhere, doesn't that mean he "wins"? Not at all. It is out of respect and love that the decision to not move is made. By forcing the man (or woman) to do something they don't want to do is manipulative and wrong-- not a definition of equality. It may require compromise. Yes, people want their own way, but one person shouldn't get their way just because of their biology. And out of love and respect, the man or woman may agree to move. But it has nothing to do with authority or leadership when that decision/compromise is made.
As the discussion continued on, a question was asked of me that actually took me by surprise. When I mentioned that I didn't know the definition of a leader in a relationship, I wasn't kidding. However, I was asked, "What would it look like if Michael was the leader?" Were you not listening to anything I've been saying?!? I answered, even though I was more confused as to how they could ask me that, but whatever, "I don't want him to be the leader. And he doesn't want to be the leader. We both believe in equality in a relationship and marriage. We make decisions together and we support and encourage each other in everything. Even though he is not the 'leader,' he is still one of the most passionate people I know! He respects me and treats me as I should be treated. He loves God and follows God with all of his heart. He is passionate about church and is excited about what our church is doing. He is in no way weaker or less of a man because he is not and does not want to be the leader." God has blessed me with a man who holds the same beliefs about relationships and marriage as I do. I believe that that is not a coincidence!
However, this was the question that was asked in response to that: "If Michael is so passionate, isn't that being a leader?" "What do you mean? I don't understand the question." "Passion is inspiring. So a person who is passionate inspires people to follow." WHAT?! My response (with other thoughts thrown in): "Michael is passionate about a lot of things. But by no means does he lead me in those passions. Yes, he teaches me about certain things, but never leads me. One of his main passions is music. He is the worship leader at church, but it really does not play a role in our relationship. But what about my passions? Just because I'm a woman, does that mean they don't matter? Are my passions not inspiring?" Both Michael and I are passionate about God and our church. But I was passionate about God long before I even met Michael. Yes, we can encourage each other and inspire each other in our relationship with God, but in no way does he lead me. He does not tell me what to read, how to pray, what to believe, etc. It's my own personal relationship with my creator-- I don't need Michael there to help it grow. We can come together and have a relationship centered on God and come together to study together, but there's no leading or submitting going on. Also, I was there when the first thought of Revolution came to be. Michael was nowhere around. We were passionate about it before we even met! We can both be passionate about Revolution and where it is going and form relationships and friendships within Revolution, but my passion and drive for it has nothing to do with Michael and his drive and passion has nothing to do with me. We both enjoy it and play central roles in it, but I don't rely on him for my passion about church. We both are there because we are following God's calling on our lives and it happens to be the same passion... coincidence? I think not! We rely on God to give us our own calling and vision and if we are truly meant to be together, then God will (and has) give us the same calling and vision. But God will not only give the vision/calling to Michael and he passes it on to me and I follow blindly. God uses our passions to change and grow our own lives and our relationship. We come together and encourage, inspire, teach, lean on, support, challenge, and help each other. We do it because we love each other and because we love God. It has nothing to do with our identity as being a man or a woman, it has everything to do with our identity as a son and daughter of God.

End of part two!