The Countdown Begins

It's a mere 27 days until the wedding... needless to say, stress is running high. Thankfully, our biggest stress has been taken care of-- we've found a place to live! We are living in a basement apartment of the neighborhood pastor of our church. Sounds weird, but we really like her and her husband, so we're excited. The neighborhood it's in is also fabulous! We were really sad to leave Fort Collins because we loved the feel of the neighborhoods, Old Town, and the laid-back attitude of everyone. Well, last night we were driving home from the pre-marrieds group held at our future residence and found an area just like Old Town Fort Collins. It had a lot of independent shops, it was close to the house (walking/biking distance), and just so cute!
So speaking of wedding and marriage, the issue of roles and responsibilities has come up. Michael and I have talked extensively about it and have an understanding of what is expected of each other. We have agreed on it being egalitarian-- that we are equals in every part of the relationship. But how will that work out? What makes it that different than other relationships? It seems so normal to be equals and that we'd make decisions and be no one being a "leader"-- that we play to our strengths and can come together when one person is struggling.
If I happen to be stronger in prayer than Michael, it shouldn't be expected that just because he is a man, that he should be "in charge" and the initiator of any prayer we say. And I'll be the first to say how insightful and wise Michael is when it comes to the Bible and discussions-- but it's not because he's a man, but because God has blessed him with that gift. But sometimes, one of us may be feeling down or struggling in an area of our lives and the other person may become more insightful or more initiative with prayer.
We go through seasons, and if there is no expectation that one person must be the one to fulfill some duty or responsibility, then there is more freedom and openness and intimacy that can be achieved in the relationship. I would think that if a man thinks that it is his job and sole responsibility to be the leader, whether spiritual or "of the house," it puts so much stress on fulfilling that duty instead of being able to go with the flow and be able to be humble in not being the leader all the time. But to each his own, I guess. It's not the kind of relationship for us, but I guess it can work for some people. So wish us luck as we get closer to the wedding! It seems so far away yet so close!

Guest Blog- Banging Your Head Against the Wall

I have written a guest blog again! After a conversation with my sister about what her on-campus group leader had spoken about, I wrote about the intolerance that churches teach and what we should do in response to that intolerance. People should take a stand against people's intolerance. People don't have to all agree, but they should not hate or condemn others. So go check it out! Comment away!

Women: Leadership in a relationship

What is a leader?
The next discussion turned to what a leader is. We discussed what the general definition of a leader was, and what a leader was in a relationship. A general leader was defined as two things: First, someone who is passionate and inspires others to follow them/their example. Second, someone who tells people what to do and how to do it. What is a leader in a relationship? No one could give a good answer. Why should a man, just because he is a man, be able to have the final say? Why do women not have as much right in a marriage to give their opinion and be involved equally in the decision-making? Just because they are a man, does that mean they are automatically smarter/wiser/more in-tuned with God? Do women lose all opinions and decision-making abilities when they say "I do"? One of the girls even said, flat out, that men should get the final say and ended the statement with, "even though I'm totally not like that." Then why do it? If you don't agree with it or believe it, why do it? Just because someone told you that was the way it should be done? She's already putting aside her own ideas for someone else's (and I can't resist saying that a guy convinced her that men as the head of the relationship is the "right" way-- I don't get it, I just don't!).
There were a few examples that we discussed regarding leadership and decision-making. The first was the game "Follow the Leader." One of the girls used this as an example that, although everyone was following the leader, they were in fact following the person in front of them (symbolic of the man). The man is taking direction from the leader who is giving direction to the woman. (*roll of eyes*) They denied the fact that a leader in a relationship is someone who tells everyone else what to do and how to do it.... except, if the leader is telling/leading everyone to go left, they're doing what the leader is telling them to do. I'm not seeing the difference in this analogy.
The other issue we discussed, with a lot more heat under it I might add, was who makes the decisions. Does someone have the final say? How are decisions made? The example that was used was a couple moving. Who makes the decision of where to move or even if they move at all? When discussing this topic with my very wise friend, she explained to me the way her (egalitarian) marriage works: They only make a decision if they both agree or get the same calling/vision. If they don't agree or have the same calling, they don't move a muscle. Only when God gives them the same calling do they do anything. They discuss every decision together and come to a conclusion together-- neither person gets more of a say than the other. This idea went kinda over the heads of my Bible studiers. One scenario that was brought up was: what if one person wants to move (actually it was the wife in this example) and the man doesn't? Since they can't agree to move so they don't go anywhere, doesn't that mean he "wins"? Not at all. It is out of respect and love that the decision to not move is made. By forcing the man (or woman) to do something they don't want to do is manipulative and wrong-- not a definition of equality. It may require compromise. Yes, people want their own way, but one person shouldn't get their way just because of their biology. And out of love and respect, the man or woman may agree to move. But it has nothing to do with authority or leadership when that decision/compromise is made.
As the discussion continued on, a question was asked of me that actually took me by surprise. When I mentioned that I didn't know the definition of a leader in a relationship, I wasn't kidding. However, I was asked, "What would it look like if Michael was the leader?" Were you not listening to anything I've been saying?!? I answered, even though I was more confused as to how they could ask me that, but whatever, "I don't want him to be the leader. And he doesn't want to be the leader. We both believe in equality in a relationship and marriage. We make decisions together and we support and encourage each other in everything. Even though he is not the 'leader,' he is still one of the most passionate people I know! He respects me and treats me as I should be treated. He loves God and follows God with all of his heart. He is passionate about church and is excited about what our church is doing. He is in no way weaker or less of a man because he is not and does not want to be the leader." God has blessed me with a man who holds the same beliefs about relationships and marriage as I do. I believe that that is not a coincidence!
However, this was the question that was asked in response to that: "If Michael is so passionate, isn't that being a leader?" "What do you mean? I don't understand the question." "Passion is inspiring. So a person who is passionate inspires people to follow." WHAT?! My response (with other thoughts thrown in): "Michael is passionate about a lot of things. But by no means does he lead me in those passions. Yes, he teaches me about certain things, but never leads me. One of his main passions is music. He is the worship leader at church, but it really does not play a role in our relationship. But what about my passions? Just because I'm a woman, does that mean they don't matter? Are my passions not inspiring?" Both Michael and I are passionate about God and our church. But I was passionate about God long before I even met Michael. Yes, we can encourage each other and inspire each other in our relationship with God, but in no way does he lead me. He does not tell me what to read, how to pray, what to believe, etc. It's my own personal relationship with my creator-- I don't need Michael there to help it grow. We can come together and have a relationship centered on God and come together to study together, but there's no leading or submitting going on. Also, I was there when the first thought of Revolution came to be. Michael was nowhere around. We were passionate about it before we even met! We can both be passionate about Revolution and where it is going and form relationships and friendships within Revolution, but my passion and drive for it has nothing to do with Michael and his drive and passion has nothing to do with me. We both enjoy it and play central roles in it, but I don't rely on him for my passion about church. We both are there because we are following God's calling on our lives and it happens to be the same passion... coincidence? I think not! We rely on God to give us our own calling and vision and if we are truly meant to be together, then God will (and has) give us the same calling and vision. But God will not only give the vision/calling to Michael and he passes it on to me and I follow blindly. God uses our passions to change and grow our own lives and our relationship. We come together and encourage, inspire, teach, lean on, support, challenge, and help each other. We do it because we love each other and because we love God. It has nothing to do with our identity as being a man or a woman, it has everything to do with our identity as a son and daughter of God.

End of part two!

Women: Leadership Positions in the Church

Whew! We finally had our discussion in my Bible study about women! It's been 3 weeks since we said we would have this discussion... that's a long time to make me wait to state my opinion... wait, I did state my opinion-- just to everyone else! (Sorry Jill!!)
So I thought I'd share what the night was like and the discussion we had (I am being very deliberate about it not being a debate.)
Oh, and I want to say a HUGE thank you to Makeesha, Molly, and my mom for helping me with this discussion! I couldn't have done as well without your help!
And as a warning, because this was a discussion and also because I wanted to be respectful and loving towards my fellow Bible studiers, I did not express my true opinions about what they thought/believed. So, as a result, I need somewhere to vent about what they said. So be prepared. I have to be honest and say that I tend to be a little harsh and very sarcastic, so be prepared. Okay, that was my disclaimer!
Also, there are lots of different parts and they all tend to be a little long, so I'm going to break them up into different parts so everyone can read them a little easier and can comment on each idea. I'd love to get everyone's insight and ideas about each subject. So comment away!

Women in leadership positions in the church
So Cheyenne led into it very smoothly and the discussion was off and running. I was the only advocate for egalitarian marriages versus leader/submissive marriages. Needless to say, I did a lot of talking. I'm not very good about stating my opinion when I disagree with everyone (or even one person for that matter), so I must say I did a pretty good job holding my ground. I made sure to note that I understand that people have their own understandings and convictions of relationships, but I just don't agree with it.
We started with the discussion of women in leadership in a church... some interesting ideas came out. One defense of women not being head pastors was that women actually have the honor of not being a head pastor because it protects them from the spiritual warfare and temptations that go along with that position.....????? I don't even know. Women can't handle life being difficult? I understand that higher positions tend to be attacked more (not even on a spiritual level) but why would it be an honor to not have to deal with that? Oh, thanks, I don't have to deal with anything. I'll just sit here and look pretty! (Can you sense my feelings about this?)
Women are given just as many and the same gifts as men. Why should they not be allowed to live out that gift? Women are given the job as Sunday-school teachers, whether they like it or not. Women are not allowed to have authority over men... but when does a boy become a man? 5 years old? 13? 18? 21? When is it okay for a woman to teach a boy (but not a man)? And what about mothers? Once their son reaches 18, does that mean she no longer has authority as a parent? Can she no longer teach him anything? On the day of his 18th birthday, does he automatically become smarter than his mother? Wait, isn't that called adolescence? ;-) I'm 21 and I'm still learning things from my parents. I don't think they'll ever stop teaching me things! So does age and definition of a man/woman really determine when and how a person can be taught? And why can't women be up front? The girls said that there's nothing wrong with them being part of the leadership team or even as an elder/deacon, but just not the head pastor. But don't the elders have more power than the head pastor? So why can't they be up front teaching everyone? I went to a church in high school where the youth pastor was a man (big surprise) but his wife was a much more gifted of a teacher than he will ever be! However, she was never allowed to teach in youth group. Was it because her husband had the authority over the youth group? I never got ANY spiritual feeding from him, but came away a changed person when his wife taught in the main service! Gasp! A woman was a better teacher than a man? How can that be? God gifted her as a teacher, but her skill and gift were not allowed to be used to touch young girls' and boys' lives.
If someone has a gift God has given them, they should live life and follow through with that gift. If someone is called to lead worship, they should lead worship. If they have the skill to plan an instrument, but don't have a calling to lead worship or be in the band, they shouldn't be in the band. God may want to use them elsewhere or use a different gift. We should not assume that whatever talent someone has they should use it in the church. We should let people follow what God has spoken to them and into their lives. And we should definitely NOT prevent someone from using a gift that God has called them to use, no matter what their gender is. If a man has been called to lead Sunday school and a woman has been called to be head pastor, let them do so, taking assurance in the fact that they are walking in God's will and God will bless them and the church as a result. God wants what is best for everyone, so we must let Him do so. We need to leave our pride and our prejudice (wait, isn't that a book?) at the door and allow God to move in our lives and our church. It'll be amazing to see what God can and will do when we finally allow Him full access to our church and our lives!

End of part one! There's more to come!