The Case of the Blog Identity Crisis

I'm having an identity crisis. I started this blog because I had so many ideas and thoughts running through my head and I wanted to share them and process them here. I wrote about life, and about church, the Bible, Christians, and theology. But as my life has calmed down a bit more and become a bit more routine, I find that I have less to blog about. This may be because of less material and not being around people who question things and make me think (actually, I'm pretty sure that's a huge part), but it may be that my life has changed and I'm in a different place than I was when I started this blog.
But what do I do? I don't want to solely write about "Christian-y" things, but I also don't want to just write about my life-- I don't do that much that anyone (including myself) would want to read about. The first post would be this: "I sat at work today. I didn't do much. Mark told me he is running checks on Wednesday. I got a free water bottle. Michael picked me up to go to my parents' for dinner. The end."
Do things change when you have children, because you can speak on your child and how you raise them? I thought getting married would create more to talk about with marriage philosophy but I find that I read more about what other people think than I do any personal processing. I know where I stand, so I don't have much to process about. I don't feel conflict about it-- I actually read more and get more emotion evoked by others who are in the more traditional camp. But I don't want this blog to be all about bashing others' views and pointing out why I disagree with others. That just sounds boring. If it's applicable to something in my current situation, I might talk about it, but it definitely can't be my focus. I don't have kids, so that's out of the question. I have a niece, but we don't see her that often, and I also don't think anyone wants to hear about my thoughts on someone else's kid...
So I'm here with no motivation and no clear direction. Has blogging for me come to an end? I know of maybe two or three people who read my blog who aren't related to me (and even the ones related to me aren't avid readers). But is a large audience my focus? Why even blog in the first place?
So I guess this is my explanation as to why my blogs lately have seemed to lack "oomph" and passion... because I don't know what passion I have to give. I will be thinking about this more and maybe even trying out a new way/reason to blog, or just write when something is on my mind. I really don't know. But I know that blogging has led me to "meet" new people, interact with them and get to know them, as well as really process how I'm feeling/thinking about something, or just sharing what's on my heart. So, those of you who do read my blog, bear with me and I will soon figure this all out. (And a big thanks to those who do read and comment-- it really means a lot to me. And if you're a reader and have never commented, please, let me know you're there-- I'd love to get to know you!)
Thanks for the patience!

Book Opinions

Okay, I need people's opinion on a couple of books.

First, in our young marrieds group, we started reading the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (how do you pronounce that??). It sounds like a good enough book, it definitely sparked a good discussion in our group on Sunday, but something was always nagging at me. For one, it's printed by Focus on the Family-- and I'm more apt to disagree with a majority of the things they teach, but I let that slide. I also know nothing of the author and his views of life and marriage, and couldn't find anything online about it, but I still wasn't convinced. I was on guard, but nothing I was seeing or hearing was showing me that I would not enjoy and (especially) agree with the book. But then lo and behold, I was reading through my google reader and came upon a blog by Complegalitarian that stated this about the book:

I also encourage you to read Love and Respect because it is the complementarian book that has the most thorough discussion of domain-based authority. In fact, it is this discussion that convicted me. For example, Emerson points out that men and women tend to view careers very differently. Women typically view work outside the home as a choice, while men view it as a fundamental responsibility. (This thinking came through on Complegalitarian blog a couple of weeks ago, in Wayne's "what is a Christian feminist" post. Women wanted the right to choose whether they worked and the right to choose the military. Yet, none of them expressed a willingness to assume primary responsibility for supporting a family or defending their country.) Male authority in marriage follows logically from this responsibility to protect and provide. Of all the complementarian books that have attempted to answer the “why does God command me to submit to my husband when I know we’re equals” question, it is Emerson’s discussion of responsibility and authority that I found to be compelling.

I have to admit, that scares me a bit. I worry when someone is "convinced" about traditional ideas. I understand that people want to learn more about it, and it is a bit unfair of me because I try to "convince" others about egalitarianism. And the idea of "domain-based authority" just makes my skin crawl. But what the bigger issue is, is that I haven't read the book, nor have I bought it yet, but I don't want to buy a book that I am going to spend my time yelling at and wanting to throw across the room because of the things I disagree with (I've done that with "women's Bible study" books).
However, I can also see that the author may talk about more traditional ways of conducting marriage, but it's not the focus of the book... I just don't know what to think about it. Because I also resist strongly (and usually gets me into trouble) when people try to put me (and especially me as a woman) into a box and call it "all women." (And "all men" for that matter. Michael rarely fits into the "Christian man" box.)
Anyway, all that to say, I'm worried that this book will cause me and Michael to implode and have to be the "weirdos" because we don't agree with it. But if it's a subtle message, I think I might be able to handle it if the overall message is okay.... but is it? Please, anyone who's read it, tell me what it's like before I go out and buy it (and possibly end up burning it).

There is another opinion I need. My sister-in-law mentioned to me that she wants a good book on faith, spirituality, and dealing with life. I'm coming up short (ha-ha everyone laugh... cuz I'm short...) with ideas and I don't know what book to get her. She's not a big reader, so she doesn't need anything too theological or anything like that. She just needs something simple, encouraging, and educational. Any suggestions? Any books you have liked in the past (or present) that she might find something in? Please give me all the suggestions you can!

Thanks for everyone's help!

Personal Growth

Personal growth... oh what a fun ordeal... NOT! It's been amazing how much self-realization has occurred since Michael and I got married. We have changed and adapted and grown in the course of almost (Wednesday) 7 months. Michael and I are growing as individuals, as well as a couple, and it's been amazing to look back and see the changes that have happened. But it's not fun to look ahead and see the changes that still need to be made. Michael and I are changing and growing and it's strengthening our relationship. We're becoming stronger, and we're becoming more aware of how what we do/say effects other people, especially each other. It's not always fun, but it is definitely necessary!

Women Friends... Where are They? I Don't Know, I Don't Know...

I hate being different. I've always gone against the grain and don't tend to follow what the crowd is doing, especially not before meticulously analyzing and scrutinizing everything people do and say. I've tended to live my own life, trying desperately to find myself in the meantime. I'm in a place in my life where I feel like I know who I am, what I believe, and what kind of person I want to be.
However, not everyone is like that. And not everyone likes people who question things and don't take things at face value. Especially in church groups, where the default viewpoint is one of being conservative and traditional, I really butt heads with that one.
I don't like people telling me to believe something "just because I should" and to do something "just because it's always been done." I push against that and question it and ask WHY am I doing it or believing it. If I can be given a good, well-explained answer, or if I do the research myself for what I should do/believe, then I'll do it. I'll put the time and effort into understanding why I do and believe what I do and believe. But again, not everyone is like that. They believe it because that's what the preacher guy says, what their parents did and taught, and because everyone else is doing it. And if you ask them why, they don't have a very clear understanding or explanation... which frustrates me to no end. I may not understand or know everything, but I'm willing to research it if I'm asked and question it and roll it around in my mind and talk about it till I'm blue in the face. I don't like pat answers or the ones that everyone always gives. I want to push people, question them, stretch them (which, in turn, stretches me), but people are uncomfortable with that, usually, and I end up repelling people because I come on too strong. And as a woman, a strong woman in certain circles and to certain women is intimidating... I hate being intimidating. But I can't help it.
And when it comes to interacting with people, I love interacting and talking and digging deeper but, honestly, I'd much rather sit back at a party/get-together and just watch people and listen. Thankfully that is no longer my default excuse for not talking in a group, but observing, questioning, analyzing, speculating is what I do best and enjoy the most. I can leave a party with a pretty good idea of who people are, what their marriage is like, and what kind of person they really are.
But again, most people aren't like that. And they like being the same, not standing out, not voicing their true personality. And they get defensive when those ideas that are the "same" are questioned or even shaken... and I like to question and shake... which leaves me a bit on my own. And I believe this is why my friendships with other women have been few and far between. I've had a few good ones, but they were with other women who tended to think like I do.
So that's what's difficult about our current Bible study... I don't think anyone thinks like I (we [being me and Michael]) do, and the women/wives of the group tend to act like they wear "happy masks" (ex. one woman claimed that in over a year of marriage have never had a single fight.........) and don't tend to bear their true souls. And they don't think like I do. Being friends with them will be a challenge, some more than others, and I'm hoping that the deep-rooted beliefs that we hold onto wont come in the middle of our friendship. But if we both can't be open to others' beliefs, it's doomed to fail from the beginning. So I have to have an open mind, and hope and pray that they can too without judgment or condemnation. It's going to be hard and going to stretch me, and I'm hoping I can stick through it instead of taking the "flight" side of conflict and difficult situations. These couples have the potential to be great, long-lasting friendships, but getting through the hard times and the disagreements is what will test and strengthen them... if we can get through those times...
So please pray for me as I embark on this journey to try to establish friendships with women who may not be "comfortable" and the same as me-- that we can learn from each other and grow together. Because I desperately need those female friendships!

Marriage Vacation

Vacation is fun... this is something I learned this weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado! Michael and I took a long weekend and drove a mere hour and a half into the mountains and spent the entire weekend together enjoying a mountain/ski-town that neither one of us had ever been to.
It was fabulous! We were able to go because of the blessing of extra money in the bank account, so we were able to let loose and just enjoy each other's company while surrounded by God's beautiful creation.
We ate yummy food, drank yummy beer (yes, I found a beer I like!), and ate delicious organic Swiss chocolate fondue. What more could you ask for?
It was a great time to focus on us and really continue to connect as a married couple. We were able to smooth out a few kinks that had cropped up...
I wish we had the money to get away at least once a month, but alas, that is not possible. But we will definitely have to have nights like we did where we enjoy each other's company, talk about how we're feeling, and just be together without anything or anyone else distracting us.
And if you've never been to Breck, I would highly recommend it... well, I can't say anything about how it is in high ski season, but the off season is a great time to relax and hang with the locals! (Oh, and it's hit or miss about how much snow is present to go snowshoeing... we missed...)

An Answer to Prayer!!

I posted a blog a while ago about not having many friends and being frustrated with the ones I had. The frustrations with those friends I mentioned are still there, if not completely dissolved right along with the friendships. It was more of a mutual, lack-of-continuing to invest in the friendship kind of thing, so it wasn't too rough. We are still civil to each other and enjoy running into each other at church or even REI (that happened yesterday), but we wont make it a point to call or get together.
Being sad and upset over failed friendships isn't what this post is about. Actually, this post is a post of celebration!
After I wrote that post, we were invited to a young marrieds bbq. What happened that night was nothing short of an answer to prayer. The group of people who attended (there were about 4 or 5 couples) clicked and we enjoyed their company late into the night (1am if I remember correctly). And since then, most of the couples TOOK INITIATIVE and invited people over and our friendship grew. All summer, we have been connecting and growing deeper together. We grew enough that now we are going to be in a Bible study with those couples (I'll write a post about that later to digest my thoughts on it).
We found friends who liked us and we liked them. They told us "we want to get to know you, we like you" and we said it back. We have been aching for friends who we can rely on and know have our backs if we ever need them. We needed friends who will open up and share their true selves and we will do the same. And through these friends, we have found all of these things! We have prayed for good friends and even for some specific things, things that we have found in these friends. I don't expect that we'll be friends forever, but for now, we can be together and experience life with them for now... but who knows, they could be life-long friends! We'll see what God and life have in store for us!
Oh, I also have to mention our friends who we went driving up in the mountains with this weekend. We have barely seen them all summer, but this weekend they loved us more than any of our friends have in a long time! We had the most wonderful day with them and hated that we had to end the day early (Michael had to work his last night at the restaurant). We love our friends so much!
And from those friendships as couples, I've ended up deepening friendships with the women. I have had lunch numerous times with one friend, had dinner with another, and have gone to ice cream twice with yet another. Every time, my heart just bursts! I get so excited about making deep girl-friendships! My heart has longed and ached for that, and I'm finally getting it. And the friendships aren't surface-level either-- we talk about deep issues like marriage, family life growing up (and still dealing with), etc.
And my friend from our Meals that Matter group (it's a quarterly thing at our church to sign up and you have dinner once a week for 6-8 weeks with people who live around you... awesome idea!) who we have a scheduled lunch date every Tuesday! Sometimes, we eat together more than once a week, just because we want to and enjoy each other that much. With the other girls from church, I've had to initially initiate the get-together, but with this friend, we do it equally. I've never been pursued as a friend before-- I've always been the one pursuing. And it feels amazing to be told "I like you! I want to spend time with you!" Again, it makes my heart so happy. I walk back to work refreshed and energized by spending time with her. Michael and I are even house-sitting for her and her husband this week!
I am so excited about the answer to prayer that has happened in my life. I just hope things don't turn sour again and I'm back at square one. But this feels different-- these friends want to be friends and want to take the time to grow and develop our friendship. And if I start becoming the one to always initiate again, I will deal with it or just let the friendship fizzle away to courtesy because the other person obviously isn't interested enough to keep it going.
So, praise Jesus! :-) I have found friends! Friends I can connect with and grow with, be there for and embrace. I am just so excited about where life is headed in regards to friendships... now if only we can make the guys connect more outside of a group setting and Michael can gain some solid friendships as well! That's my next prayer... let's see God work!

Lars and the Real Girl

My favorite movies are the ones that have multiple layers and I can sit and discuss them for hours afterwards. Of course, the surface-level, pure-entertainment ones have their place too, but the deeper ones are my absolute favorite. I just discovered a new one this week called, Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. It's a story of a man who wants companionship but fears intimacy so he orders a sex doll online named Bianca and treats her like his girlfriend. He never questions that she is "real" and even asks his brother and sister-in-law (SIL) if Bianca can stay in a spare room in their house, borrow his SIL's clothes, and even sets a place for her for dinner. It never shows that he uses Bianca for the true purpose of the doll, which emphasizes the point of his need for companionship. The best part of the movie is that the people in the town he lives in all embrace Bianca as a real woman and ask to have her work, volunteer at the hospital, and invite her to parties. Lars pushes her around in a wheelchair, and even takes her to the doctor when she's "sick." I highly recommend this movie if you like character-development movies! Here's the trailer if you want to watch it! (If this movie interests you and you don't want any spoilers, don't keep reading and watch it first...)

The reason I even mention this movie is that, as I said, it is a movie about connection and relationship. Lars creates this whole relationship in his mind that at points you forget that she is really just a doll sitting there doing nothing. Lars is awkward around others and hates being touched. Even at the urging of his SIL, he refuses to even have much interaction with them. But once Bianca comes into his life, he interacts with people more and becomes a bit more dynamic. He is lonely and reached out to someone who was like him-- secluded and quiet-- but through the whole process of the movie, realizes that it is the people around him who actually show they care about him and his well-being who matter most to him. They even come to Bianca's funeral! By being there for him and supporting him, even when he has an imaginary girlfriend, they show him a love that he was unable to understand before.
How much of our lives are like Lars'? We want to hide away and create our own fantasy world to live in because it's safer there. We shut people out because they have the potential to hurt us. But as Lars shows in the movie, even our fantasy world and "perfect companion" can hurt us and wound us. Lars created the perfect girlfriend and was the dictator of what happened and how Bianca was feeling; but she let him down, she got sick, and even refused a marriage proposal.
Reality seeps into every part of our lives, and will get to us no matter what. But when he learned to lean on those who were alive around him, they filled him with true joy and love. He had to open himself up to disappointment and hurt to get there, but he got there eventually.
Sometimes it takes "dating" a "doll" to get to a place where we can be open and vulnerable with others. With a doll, there really is no need to truly open up and be real and honest. But what a lonely life that is. There is no real interaction or connection. Yes, it can help you process things out-loud, but you never get anything back from the "doll." Understandably, it is a scary world out there when you have to actually interact with actual real, breathing people! But once you get over it, it makes living so much more beneficial and satisfying! So be like Lars and let your "doll" die so you can live life with those around you and be real with those who care about you.

I Didn't Bite the Dentist

I went to the dentist yesterday and I had flashbacks of my childhood the entire time. As I was sitting there, it became clear to me why certain event happened in my childhood: When I was 7 years-old, I was having a tooth pulled and in the midst of my fear and the dentist not being comfortable with children, I bit his finger when he put it in my mouth. He then started yelling and I started crying-- very traumatic! Well yesterday, while the dental hygienist was scraping my teeth and stabbing my gums, biting (or punching) became a very desirable action. Thankfully I resisted, but I must admit I had to hold back! No wonder people refuse to go to the dentist! It's such a miserable experience! I had heard that they show movies/tv shows while you get your teeth cleaned, but even after mentioning it to the hygienist, she didn't turn it on... grrrr...

"In the Criminal Justice System..."

Life around our neighborhood is an interesting one. I don't sit at home hiding under my bed because I'm afraid someone will break in, but I also am not naive enough to think that my neighborhood is danger-free. Our landlords have had their cars broken into (well, sort of since they leave their doors unlocked), there is graffiti on the wall across the street with gang-tags, and Federal (the street only 4 blocks away) is notorious for shootings and especially during Cinco de Mayo is the place to be (or not, depending on your view).
Well, about a month ago, Michael and I were driving home from the grocery store when all of a sudden, Michael looked over because of a horn honking to see a man kneeing a woman in the face inside her car. He whipped the car around and drove into a parking space and ran out of the car with his cell phone in hand, dialing 911. The woman (by yelling "help me!" and honking the horn) had managed to draw a crowd and got the police there. The man fled when he saw Michael walk up, but since the man was quite large (as in weight) he didn't get very far before the police caught up with him and apprehended him. The woman was okay, well at least physically, for the most part. She was still conscious and gave the police her statement. Michael and another man gave their statement of what they had witnessed.
I tell this story because as I write this, Michael is at the courthouse to testify! I have to admit, I'm a bit envious because it's like Law and Order come to life! But since I didn't ever actually see anything happen (I just heard the horn honking), I didn't give my statement or be asked to come testify.
It's scary because this guy is gutsy enough to beat up his girlfriend in public. I doubt anything would happen to Michael; I've watched way too many crime shows to not be skeptical. But hopefully the testimony from Michael and the other witness will put the man away for a while where he can't beat up women (and who knows about any children he may have). By getting him out of the house and off of the streets, the woman/women in his life can breathe a little easier. There is no excuse for behavior like that and I am proud of Michael for going to take a stand against a man who clearly does not respect women and deserves to pay the consequences.

**Update: Just as I was finishing this post, Michael called and informed me that the defendant didn't have any legal representation (couldn't afford it) so the trial has been moved to December. The man is blaming the woman for wanting to ruin his life, and that he does have children. (That worries me a lot that he has children who he may take his anger/frustration out on). I hope this gets resolved quickly [except that December is not quick], and the women in his life don't have to be afraid of him any more. Pray for them if you think of it... Thanks!

I'm an Aunt!

I can't believe I forgot to announce this: I'm an aunt! Michael's sister had a baby girl on Thursday morning at 2:45am. Her name is Elizabeth Marie Turentine (I'm actually not 100% of the spelling of the last name)-- Michael and I made a nickname for her about a day after we found out it was a girl-- so we lovingly call her Izzy.
I got to see her for the first time on Sunday and she was beautiful! She's on the smaller side, only 6 lbs 2 oz, but I feel like we're kindred spirits because I was only 5 lbs and a few ounces when I was born and I was full term and healthy!
Michael and I labeled Izzy our guinea pig for dealing with children, and holding her on Sunday (for about an hour straight while she refused to wake up and interact with me... she's already proving to be a bit stubborn) definitely gave me a small baby bug... but only a small one. But if she was crying and fussy the whole time, I would probably have a different reaction.
But we're excited for the miracle that Izzy is. April, Michael's sister, shouldn't have even been able to get pregnant due to many medical issues; but she did get pregnant and created a beautiful life! Welcome to the world, Elisabeth "Izzy" Marie!!