Who I am as a Blogger

Okay, so I haven't been blogging as much as I wish I did; and I rediscovered today how much I wish I was a lot wittier than I am and that this blog really doesn't express who I really am. I have things that go through my head constantly that I'd love to blog about, but then I know that my entire immediate family reads this blog, and who knows if my in-laws do to... I have things I want to vent about, to say, or to just verbally vomit (thank you Bridget Jones!) but my reader database limits that. I don't want to offend someone or hurt their feelings, because I've done this before through this blog, and it was heartbreaking. I want to express what I'm thinking, but I also don't want to hurt those I'm thinking about. I've also grown my google-reader to include some really funny, snotty, and interesting people; many of whom use the word... (shall I use it on my blog too?)... fuck... A LOT! It's not a crude or unintelligent way they use it. They use it when no other word will truly express what they're thinking. I tend to think of myself as an open book, unafraid of what people think, and real. I hate fake people and I refuse to be one. But I also don't feel like I'm being real here. Yes, I say what's annoying be about church and my friends, but that's only a part of who I am. I want to gripe about when my husband is being a dumb-ass (I love you, Michael!), or when my MIL is driving me insane, or when the stress of my family is just getting to be too much. I started a private blog that I use more like a journal, but I only seem to write on it when I'm extremely pissed, which isn't that often or that interesting. I want to be interesting. I want to show my true self and express myself in an honest way. So I just don't know what to do with this blog. Do I stop writing on this one and make a new one that I can write freely on (but then the same problem arises...)? Do I start an anonymous blog and write on that? GAH! I don't know! But I know where my blog currently is and who I currently am are not mixing well... I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and a side note, I just joined twitter... I know, I know, I finally caved... so come follow me and I'll follow you!

I'm Not a Box Person

When I disagree with something or someone on a certain topic, I want to become as informed on both sides of the issue so I really know where I stand and can back up what I believe. I mentioned a few posts ago that my young marrieds group has started reading "Love and Respect." I also mentioned that I was hesitant about reading it because I didn't know the author and had never heard of the book... and my hesitations were partially correct. Both Michael and I have struggled through this book because of the foundational ideas that it is based on. But it's a growing experience. We're coming to a deeper understanding of what we believe as a couple and as individuals. We are expanding our knowledge. And, if nothing else, we are engaging in conversation with people who don't always think 100% (if even 50%) of the time. It stretches us and, hopefully, we stretch them. There are times people say things that I completely disagree with, but I can respect and appreciate that that is how they function and what they believe.
I still have yet to buy the book, because if I spend most of my time disagreeing with it, there's no sense in owning it. However, my friend lent me the book to read during the week. I was reading it last night and this morning on the bus and I had an epiphany:
I HATE BEING PUT IN A BOX. A woman box, a young-person box, a married box, an American box, etc. I hate that my gender, my life-stage, my nationality, or whatever dictates how I'm "supposed" to be, how all in that same category are like that.
I might not mind the box if I fit into it nicely. But I never have, and I probably never will. I am actually more apt to fight the box and try to rip it down, just to prove that I can, and especially to show that I DON'T fit.
Even as I was reading the book last night, Michael was sitting next to me as I began grumbling under my breath about "this isn't me," "this is just a stereotype," etc. I read him a passage of the book out-loud and said "never in my life have I had an interaction/discussion like this one in the book!" And he just looked at me and said "Kate, you're the first woman I know who doesn't act like that." I stared at him. And it dawned on me... this is the root of my feelings towards anything or anyone who tries to put me in a box: I am not the kind of person who fits nicely in a box. And when someone tries to tell me about the box, I resist it, feel nauseous, and start to freak out (at least on the inside).
I wrote a post that hit on this idea a little bit and spoke more about how it effects my daily interactions with people. But for some reason, Michael's comment last night really struck me. It isn't just that I'm "strong" or "intimidating," it's that I resist boxes, and resist others telling me who I am just because of X or Y reason. I'm not a box person, and I'm okay with that. But when I read books like this one, or "Captivating" (which I've mentioned before I didn't even finish reading), I resist it and actually get angry and frustrated because THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! So I'll continue to read the book, for the sake of knowledge and discussion, but I now have an inner-understanding of myself that I don't fit into this mold, I don't fit nicely into the box that he puts me and my marriage in. And hopefully through this whole experience I can come out of it a happier, more well-rounded person, and hopefully pass that on to others. And I'll also try to keep my grumbling down to a minimum.
(And as a disclaimer, he does have some good points, but they get buried underneath the box, so I have a hard time finding them and recognizing them as applicable or even true-- but I'm working on finding them and appreciating them, even if I don't agree with everything 100%).