If Only She'd Take My Advice

**Removed because, well, you never know when someone will happen across your blog...**

A Lesson Learned

I'm going to explain to the world why I am a total wimp.
Yesterday, I was measuring our ceiling to see how tall our Christmas tree could be, and I let our tape measure just fly back into the holder... well, I'm sure you can already see where this is going... the tape measure is metal, and therefore very sharp if flying at a high speed. It hit my finger, but at first I thought it just hit it, no big deal... then there was blood... and then there was panic... and then there was the mad dash for the sink to wash it under cold water, all the while trying not to pass out. Thankfully Michael was there (trying to stifle laughter) and held my hand under the water. I'm sure my face was white as a ghost, and all I could say was "I don't want stitches! I can't get stitches!"
As my sister and old roommate, Holly, can attest to, I don't handle blood very well-- especially not my own. I once cut my finger while cutting an onion and had to go into the bathroom because I felt woozy and turned really white... pathetic, I know.
But I have this overwhelming disgust for my own blood, as well as a paralyzing fear of going to the hospital for stitches. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that the one time I did have to go to the hospital for stitches, I could feel the doctors putting them in, but they didn't believe me and kept going despite my protests (oh, and had to bring other nurses and whoever to hold me down because I was FREAKING OUT!). And no, it was not my imagination-- I couldn't even see it (I got them on my knee, so I was laying down) and all of a sudden felt this overwhelming, excruciating pain! Stupid doctors!
So that's my story from this weekend. And a word of advice: don't let the tape measure fly freely into the holder because danger awaits whoever dares do so...

Book Opinions

Okay, I need people's opinion on a couple of books.

First, in our young marrieds group, we started reading the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (how do you pronounce that??). It sounds like a good enough book, it definitely sparked a good discussion in our group on Sunday, but something was always nagging at me. For one, it's printed by Focus on the Family-- and I'm more apt to disagree with a majority of the things they teach, but I let that slide. I also know nothing of the author and his views of life and marriage, and couldn't find anything online about it, but I still wasn't convinced. I was on guard, but nothing I was seeing or hearing was showing me that I would not enjoy and (especially) agree with the book. But then lo and behold, I was reading through my google reader and came upon a blog by Complegalitarian that stated this about the book:

I also encourage you to read Love and Respect because it is the complementarian book that has the most thorough discussion of domain-based authority. In fact, it is this discussion that convicted me. For example, Emerson points out that men and women tend to view careers very differently. Women typically view work outside the home as a choice, while men view it as a fundamental responsibility. (This thinking came through on Complegalitarian blog a couple of weeks ago, in Wayne's "what is a Christian feminist" post. Women wanted the right to choose whether they worked and the right to choose the military. Yet, none of them expressed a willingness to assume primary responsibility for supporting a family or defending their country.) Male authority in marriage follows logically from this responsibility to protect and provide. Of all the complementarian books that have attempted to answer the “why does God command me to submit to my husband when I know we’re equals” question, it is Emerson’s discussion of responsibility and authority that I found to be compelling.

I have to admit, that scares me a bit. I worry when someone is "convinced" about traditional ideas. I understand that people want to learn more about it, and it is a bit unfair of me because I try to "convince" others about egalitarianism. And the idea of "domain-based authority" just makes my skin crawl. But what the bigger issue is, is that I haven't read the book, nor have I bought it yet, but I don't want to buy a book that I am going to spend my time yelling at and wanting to throw across the room because of the things I disagree with (I've done that with "women's Bible study" books).
However, I can also see that the author may talk about more traditional ways of conducting marriage, but it's not the focus of the book... I just don't know what to think about it. Because I also resist strongly (and usually gets me into trouble) when people try to put me (and especially me as a woman) into a box and call it "all women." (And "all men" for that matter. Michael rarely fits into the "Christian man" box.)
Anyway, all that to say, I'm worried that this book will cause me and Michael to implode and have to be the "weirdos" because we don't agree with it. But if it's a subtle message, I think I might be able to handle it if the overall message is okay.... but is it? Please, anyone who's read it, tell me what it's like before I go out and buy it (and possibly end up burning it).

There is another opinion I need. My sister-in-law mentioned to me that she wants a good book on faith, spirituality, and dealing with life. I'm coming up short (ha-ha everyone laugh... cuz I'm short...) with ideas and I don't know what book to get her. She's not a big reader, so she doesn't need anything too theological or anything like that. She just needs something simple, encouraging, and educational. Any suggestions? Any books you have liked in the past (or present) that she might find something in? Please give me all the suggestions you can!

Thanks for everyone's help!

Lars and the Real Girl

My favorite movies are the ones that have multiple layers and I can sit and discuss them for hours afterwards. Of course, the surface-level, pure-entertainment ones have their place too, but the deeper ones are my absolute favorite. I just discovered a new one this week called, Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. It's a story of a man who wants companionship but fears intimacy so he orders a sex doll online named Bianca and treats her like his girlfriend. He never questions that she is "real" and even asks his brother and sister-in-law (SIL) if Bianca can stay in a spare room in their house, borrow his SIL's clothes, and even sets a place for her for dinner. It never shows that he uses Bianca for the true purpose of the doll, which emphasizes the point of his need for companionship. The best part of the movie is that the people in the town he lives in all embrace Bianca as a real woman and ask to have her work, volunteer at the hospital, and invite her to parties. Lars pushes her around in a wheelchair, and even takes her to the doctor when she's "sick." I highly recommend this movie if you like character-development movies! Here's the trailer if you want to watch it! (If this movie interests you and you don't want any spoilers, don't keep reading and watch it first...)

The reason I even mention this movie is that, as I said, it is a movie about connection and relationship. Lars creates this whole relationship in his mind that at points you forget that she is really just a doll sitting there doing nothing. Lars is awkward around others and hates being touched. Even at the urging of his SIL, he refuses to even have much interaction with them. But once Bianca comes into his life, he interacts with people more and becomes a bit more dynamic. He is lonely and reached out to someone who was like him-- secluded and quiet-- but through the whole process of the movie, realizes that it is the people around him who actually show they care about him and his well-being who matter most to him. They even come to Bianca's funeral! By being there for him and supporting him, even when he has an imaginary girlfriend, they show him a love that he was unable to understand before.
How much of our lives are like Lars'? We want to hide away and create our own fantasy world to live in because it's safer there. We shut people out because they have the potential to hurt us. But as Lars shows in the movie, even our fantasy world and "perfect companion" can hurt us and wound us. Lars created the perfect girlfriend and was the dictator of what happened and how Bianca was feeling; but she let him down, she got sick, and even refused a marriage proposal.
Reality seeps into every part of our lives, and will get to us no matter what. But when he learned to lean on those who were alive around him, they filled him with true joy and love. He had to open himself up to disappointment and hurt to get there, but he got there eventually.
Sometimes it takes "dating" a "doll" to get to a place where we can be open and vulnerable with others. With a doll, there really is no need to truly open up and be real and honest. But what a lonely life that is. There is no real interaction or connection. Yes, it can help you process things out-loud, but you never get anything back from the "doll." Understandably, it is a scary world out there when you have to actually interact with actual real, breathing people! But once you get over it, it makes living so much more beneficial and satisfying! So be like Lars and let your "doll" die so you can live life with those around you and be real with those who care about you.

I Didn't Bite the Dentist

I went to the dentist yesterday and I had flashbacks of my childhood the entire time. As I was sitting there, it became clear to me why certain event happened in my childhood: When I was 7 years-old, I was having a tooth pulled and in the midst of my fear and the dentist not being comfortable with children, I bit his finger when he put it in my mouth. He then started yelling and I started crying-- very traumatic! Well yesterday, while the dental hygienist was scraping my teeth and stabbing my gums, biting (or punching) became a very desirable action. Thankfully I resisted, but I must admit I had to hold back! No wonder people refuse to go to the dentist! It's such a miserable experience! I had heard that they show movies/tv shows while you get your teeth cleaned, but even after mentioning it to the hygienist, she didn't turn it on... grrrr...

"In the Criminal Justice System..."

Life around our neighborhood is an interesting one. I don't sit at home hiding under my bed because I'm afraid someone will break in, but I also am not naive enough to think that my neighborhood is danger-free. Our landlords have had their cars broken into (well, sort of since they leave their doors unlocked), there is graffiti on the wall across the street with gang-tags, and Federal (the street only 4 blocks away) is notorious for shootings and especially during Cinco de Mayo is the place to be (or not, depending on your view).
Well, about a month ago, Michael and I were driving home from the grocery store when all of a sudden, Michael looked over because of a horn honking to see a man kneeing a woman in the face inside her car. He whipped the car around and drove into a parking space and ran out of the car with his cell phone in hand, dialing 911. The woman (by yelling "help me!" and honking the horn) had managed to draw a crowd and got the police there. The man fled when he saw Michael walk up, but since the man was quite large (as in weight) he didn't get very far before the police caught up with him and apprehended him. The woman was okay, well at least physically, for the most part. She was still conscious and gave the police her statement. Michael and another man gave their statement of what they had witnessed.
I tell this story because as I write this, Michael is at the courthouse to testify! I have to admit, I'm a bit envious because it's like Law and Order come to life! But since I didn't ever actually see anything happen (I just heard the horn honking), I didn't give my statement or be asked to come testify.
It's scary because this guy is gutsy enough to beat up his girlfriend in public. I doubt anything would happen to Michael; I've watched way too many crime shows to not be skeptical. But hopefully the testimony from Michael and the other witness will put the man away for a while where he can't beat up women (and who knows about any children he may have). By getting him out of the house and off of the streets, the woman/women in his life can breathe a little easier. There is no excuse for behavior like that and I am proud of Michael for going to take a stand against a man who clearly does not respect women and deserves to pay the consequences.

**Update: Just as I was finishing this post, Michael called and informed me that the defendant didn't have any legal representation (couldn't afford it) so the trial has been moved to December. The man is blaming the woman for wanting to ruin his life, and that he does have children. (That worries me a lot that he has children who he may take his anger/frustration out on). I hope this gets resolved quickly [except that December is not quick], and the women in his life don't have to be afraid of him any more. Pray for them if you think of it... Thanks!

I am Weak but He is Strong

Have you ever had Will Ferrell come to your church and teach a sermon? Well I think his twin came and spoke this week... just kidding! But he sure did look just like him! He was about 6' 5" and looked like a mix of Will Ferrell and Dane Cook (the comedian) and his voice sounded like Ryan Reynolds. And he had the humor of them all, and at the same time, the seriousness of someone with a message to spread and love to give.
He spoke on the idea of devotion and what we give our time and energy to. One thing he discussed the act of being "simply and honestly yourself" before God. It was surprisingly a difficult thing for me to admit that I have a hard time doing that. It's not like God doesn't know me deeper than I know myself, but admitting to Him that I'm terrified, weak, worn-out, etc is a lot harder than I realized. I'm also not honest with myself about it, which just shows how "good" I am at avoiding self-reflection and admitting weaknesses. I'll admit it to a person here or there, but never living my life as a broken, fearful sinner who has been saved by the love and grace of God. I usually have the attitude of "I don't need anyone's help! I can do this by myself! I'm fine! I'm not afraid of anything!" But it's really not true, when you really get past my perfected charade.
It's definitely a pride issue, because being short, small, and female (oh, and did I mention I am often mistaken for a 16 year-old? [I'm about to be 22]) I tend to need to compensate for it and prove to others that I'm just as capable at doing __(fill in the blank)__. But how much of that is an excuse? I just need another reason to not ask for help and be stubborn and "independent.
Yes, I'm strong, but God is stronger. I can't do it on my own, and that's harder to admit than anything else I will ever say. But how is that lived out? Can someone really come before God "simply and honestly"? I know that is what God desires, but is it even possible? How does someone get to that point where the charade of being happy and put-together around other people is taken away and all that's left is the true person? If it's possible to do with God, is it possible to do with other people, other sinners?
These thoughts and questions have had me struggling and fighting and discovering since Sunday and it really hit home. I want to be a real person, not just with one person or just God, but with everyone. I want to be real enough to encourage others to be real. And I want my self-revelation to come out in my relationship with God where I say "I'm weak and need your help because I can't do it on my own" without hesitation.

Overnight Shift with Drug Addicts

I just wanted to inform everyone that I am amazing. (That came off egotistical, didn't it?) Anyway, I have managed to stay awake, not even nodding off, during my overnight shift at the place I work! I am quite proud of myself! I work at a residential treatment center for teenage girls (and sometimes at the boy's house). To sum up my job, I work with drug addicts and alcoholics-- makes for some interesting time.
At the beginning of my shift, I had a confrontation with one of the girls. It got me all worked up and I was completely intimidated! After I barely held my own and stood my ground, I went and sat back in my chair and a thought hit me: how am I possibly intimidated or afraid of these girls? They're teenagers, for one thing, and have the maturity-level and thought-capacity of 10 year olds (if not younger). I'm 21 and strong and lucid and I have the power... and yet I get extremely overwhelmed and flustered when they start yelling at me and cussing me out. But I can handle it, it just takes a few minutes for my heart rate to return to normal.
Other than that, my shift has gone well and I've only had to call the on-call twice. That's good for it being my first time by myself! Okay, I just had to get that off my chest. Every time I go upstairs to do bed checks, I pray that they're all in bed... I don't know what I'd do if someone went AWOL. Cry, probably. I got overwhelmed with a girl cussing at me-- AWOL is a whole different story! Anyway, it's 4:50am and I'm wide awake... this is strange... you start to hear things and jump a lot easier with sounds, even normal ones like a cough... and you also ramble on your blogs... (Oh, and I found that picture and it's totally me! That book is the book of assignments and I'm sure my eyes look like that; the only difference is I'm drinking iced tea...)

Coming to terms with taking a "flying" leap of faith

So a question has been running through my mind the last month or so. As most of you know, I am contemplating moving to London in the very near future. As the time when it would be possible nears, I have started to question and doubt why I would. My biggest question has become: is going "just for the hell of it" a good enough reason to move across the ocean? I feel God calling me there, but I'm not at all certain why or when or for what greater purpose. It's an opportunity, is that good enough? I've researched places to work, organizations to be hired through, etc., and I have realized that it wouldn't be too difficult to find a job-- that would not be something that would hold me from going. But when I tell people why I'm leaving EVERYTHING behind, what do I say? Is "God's calling me there" enough as well? It seems like such a cliche, but it's true! And is the feeling that God is calling me there all that I need to start applying for visas and looking for houses? Or is there a time frame? Do I need to wait for God to write in the sky "GO!" before I move, or do I take his prompting and calling and pull as my writing in the sky? I wrote a post a while ago about when the future becomes the present and when we know when God isn't just putting something on our hearts, but actually telling us to get our asses off the couch and go... needless to say, I'm still struggling with this issue. I keep looking for signs, but I feel like that's all I see. Is that a sign in itself? My biggest fear is that I am hearing things wrong, or I am being too hasty in my actions. Well, that's what faith is all about, isn't it? I'm feeling more and more like I'll graduate in December and not too long after, I will on a plane with only my clothes and my passport and a visa (oh, and a husband!) and set out on the adventure of a lifetime! But we'll see... things can change in the blink of an eye! (the London Eye, that is ;-)

Guest Blog- Back from the Future

Well, I have officially guest-blogged on someone else's site! Thanks to Paul for his help and Jason for letting me do so! Go check out my thoughts on Jason Clark's blog!! So the question is: Can you live in the moment?

Jumping With My Eyes Closed

This picture symbolizes how I'm feeling at the moment... jumping off a cliff, with my eyes closed, praying to God that I will land on my feet (not my head) on solid ground. My life is so up in the air and I am seeking direction from God in so many aspects of my life! So if I feel God directing one part of my life in one direction, I don't really meditate on it or think about it for a while-- I jump! I trust that I have heard God's calling and I walk in that faith. And if I'm wrong, I trust God will bring me back to where He wants me. I'm just praying I'm landing where God wants me cuz I definitely feel like I'm jumping off and hoping I don't fall and land flat on my face! (Thankfully, God extends a LOT of grace (and band-aids) in case I do!)

Confrontation is Not Deadly

Confrontation. Not my favorite word, and definitely not, by any means, my favorite pass-time. So when it comes to dealing with people, I tend to completely avoid and get minor panic attacks at the mere thought of a "confrontation" with anyone!
Well, since it's too late to call my mom to have her praise me for my bold move tonight, I decided I'd write about it... lame, I know :-) But I had to tell someone! Most of you wont think it's a big deal and may even think I'm a big chicken (which I am) for not saying anything before. So here's the story... I have some roommates-- 4 to be exact-- and all girls. Makes for interesting times, that's for sure. Needless to say, I'm slightly afraid of 2 of them. They are completely intimidating. They're super nice to your face and I actually really enjoy hanging out with them... it's when you're not around them that's the problem and it becomes a passive-aggressive and super-tense-and-awkward time. Well, I have bit my tongue enough times when they do things that my tongue is bruised :-P Tonight, I finally got enough courage to talk to one of my roommates about one of the biggest issues I have with her! It was not a fun experience, but definitely needed and was actually productive. We both said what we needed to say, and we reconciled and it was over. No blood was drawn, no voices were raised... it was not the bloody battle I was envisioning. Confrontation is scary but definitely not deadly! That's just what I gotta keep telling myself. "It'll be okay, no one's going to freak out and hate me because I say something. They might even appreciate me talking to them!" I'm still working on confronting people and speaking my mind when I have something negative or hard to say. People want honesty and openness. I want it of other people so why can't I do it for them? It's going to be a long and painful process (panic-attacks... no fun!) but it will make me a better person in the end. Whew! I feel so relieved! Now all I have to do is get my heart rate down enough to go to bed.