Love vs. Like and Loving People

I know I haven't written anything in, like, forever, but here are a couple thoughts that have been rolling around my head the last couple of days (but also for a while because these are big issues for me):

Thought/Question ONE:

The Bible says that God loves us, but does he like us? Because it IS possible to love someone but not like them (ie "love your enemies"), so is it possible that God doesn't like people in general, or certain people or even me?


Thought/Question TWO:

In 1 John 4:12,

if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

So... the question is: if someone loves (meaning respect, care for, honor, show grace and mercy to, etc.-- however you would define showing love) people, but is not a follower of God/Christ, does that still mean that God is in them since they are showing love and God is love?

Your thoughts...

I Need More Than Feel-Good Answers

[I started writing this post last week, but have been adding to it little by little and it's finally finished... a week later...]

This last Tuesday was the first time in a long time that I went to a church/group/Bible study where I walked away still thinking about what we talked about… and am still thinking about. We have a weekly Bible study with 4 other couples who we are slowly but surely growing deeper with and connecting more with. This last Tuesday we discussed how to live a balanced life in this high-stress society. Michael and I both thought the discussion would end in about 5 minutes because the all we could think of to say were church-isms and feel-good answers—pray, just rest in God, etc. But those answers don’t really help when you feel up to your eyeballs in life’s chaos. Yes, there are ways to take time for yourself, but the core issue came down to what does it look like to take refuge in God and spend quality time with him when you really feel no desire to do so; no drive or pull to open your Bible or take a few minutes to pray (without falling asleep or your mind wandering). I think it’s hard to have been a Christian almost my entire life, so I’ve heard it all and seen it all, so nothing is really a new concept to me. I know what you’re “supposed” to do, but a quiet time where I sit and read my Bible for an hour every day is not going to help me grow. It’ll just make me feel bad when I don’t do it or don’t get anything out of it. I thrive off conversation, discussion, dissecting verses and context, bringing up different ideas, debating, etc. So how can I get that when I’m sitting by myself in my room, trying not to fall asleep, or take my entire lunch hour to read my Bible and feel like a legalistic Christian who’s making a point of using my time to relax and get out of the office to show the world I’m reading my Bible. Yes, I know I could use my lunch hour to read my Bible and pray, but as I said before, that bores me. But what about reading a book that is written about the Bible or about religion or something “Christian” that isn’t the Bible. I’m currently reading Everything Must Change by Brian McLaren (yes, I know I’m way behind the times) and it’s really speaking to what I’ve been feeling about the Christian church and how Christians view the world. If I’m finding purpose and seeing God in that book, is it the same as a traditional quiet time? I know reading another book can be a cop-out, but it also opens my eyes and my heart to things the Bible teaches and different ideas that people have—hence my desire for discussion and debate—I like new and different ideas, so reading really does that for me. Growing my knowledge, my understanding of the Bible and the world around me, and growing myself as a person seem like legitimate ways to grow closer to God. If I can have a healthy relationship with my friends, who God has blessed me with, I can fully appreciate and get out of that friendship what I need and want. I use what God has taught me through books and discussions to better myself and better others. Doesn’t that make more sense than just sitting down and opening up my Bible to a random verse on a random page? I’m continuing to really think/pray about this and figure out what I should do and what God would want from me as an individual. Hopefully this group will take me to a place that I can grow even more and I can find God in places I don’t expect.

An Answer to Prayer!!

I posted a blog a while ago about not having many friends and being frustrated with the ones I had. The frustrations with those friends I mentioned are still there, if not completely dissolved right along with the friendships. It was more of a mutual, lack-of-continuing to invest in the friendship kind of thing, so it wasn't too rough. We are still civil to each other and enjoy running into each other at church or even REI (that happened yesterday), but we wont make it a point to call or get together.
Being sad and upset over failed friendships isn't what this post is about. Actually, this post is a post of celebration!
After I wrote that post, we were invited to a young marrieds bbq. What happened that night was nothing short of an answer to prayer. The group of people who attended (there were about 4 or 5 couples) clicked and we enjoyed their company late into the night (1am if I remember correctly). And since then, most of the couples TOOK INITIATIVE and invited people over and our friendship grew. All summer, we have been connecting and growing deeper together. We grew enough that now we are going to be in a Bible study with those couples (I'll write a post about that later to digest my thoughts on it).
We found friends who liked us and we liked them. They told us "we want to get to know you, we like you" and we said it back. We have been aching for friends who we can rely on and know have our backs if we ever need them. We needed friends who will open up and share their true selves and we will do the same. And through these friends, we have found all of these things! We have prayed for good friends and even for some specific things, things that we have found in these friends. I don't expect that we'll be friends forever, but for now, we can be together and experience life with them for now... but who knows, they could be life-long friends! We'll see what God and life have in store for us!
Oh, I also have to mention our friends who we went driving up in the mountains with this weekend. We have barely seen them all summer, but this weekend they loved us more than any of our friends have in a long time! We had the most wonderful day with them and hated that we had to end the day early (Michael had to work his last night at the restaurant). We love our friends so much!
And from those friendships as couples, I've ended up deepening friendships with the women. I have had lunch numerous times with one friend, had dinner with another, and have gone to ice cream twice with yet another. Every time, my heart just bursts! I get so excited about making deep girl-friendships! My heart has longed and ached for that, and I'm finally getting it. And the friendships aren't surface-level either-- we talk about deep issues like marriage, family life growing up (and still dealing with), etc.
And my friend from our Meals that Matter group (it's a quarterly thing at our church to sign up and you have dinner once a week for 6-8 weeks with people who live around you... awesome idea!) who we have a scheduled lunch date every Tuesday! Sometimes, we eat together more than once a week, just because we want to and enjoy each other that much. With the other girls from church, I've had to initially initiate the get-together, but with this friend, we do it equally. I've never been pursued as a friend before-- I've always been the one pursuing. And it feels amazing to be told "I like you! I want to spend time with you!" Again, it makes my heart so happy. I walk back to work refreshed and energized by spending time with her. Michael and I are even house-sitting for her and her husband this week!
I am so excited about the answer to prayer that has happened in my life. I just hope things don't turn sour again and I'm back at square one. But this feels different-- these friends want to be friends and want to take the time to grow and develop our friendship. And if I start becoming the one to always initiate again, I will deal with it or just let the friendship fizzle away to courtesy because the other person obviously isn't interested enough to keep it going.
So, praise Jesus! :-) I have found friends! Friends I can connect with and grow with, be there for and embrace. I am just so excited about where life is headed in regards to friendships... now if only we can make the guys connect more outside of a group setting and Michael can gain some solid friendships as well! That's my next prayer... let's see God work!

The "Supposed To's" of Marriage and God

How much of a role does God really play in relationships? I have been rolling this thought over in my mind, trying to really process it and understand it. All during my high school years, I was taught "God needs to be the center of your relationship" but that idea was never really explained to me. What does that really mean? What does that look like? I tried all kinds of things, going to the same church, praying together, discussing the Bible, etc. But each individual act never seemed like enough. Just because we prayed together didn't mean God was the true center of our relationship.
However, I say all this, and I could say that (on a good day) God is the center of my marriage. We focus on God's will for us individually and as a couple, as well as (try to) pray together and read the Bible together.
Lately, though, those practices seem to have fallen by the wayside. We're busy, we're tired, we'd rather do something else... the excuses seem to pile up and God gets forgotten. But then so does the health and spiritual well-being of our marriage. I can see it change how we interact with one another and other people, as well as how we view our marriage one day to the next. There seems to be an absence, a void and negativity are present. We fight more, we overreact, we get defensive... makes for a lousy time, that's for sure.
But what does reading the Bible do? Could we still feel a deeper connection if we read a novel together? What is that spiritual aspect that is so important? We are busy people, and we make the time to spend with friends, work, church, etc., but not for reading the Bible together, or praying or doing any sort of devotional or study. How do we balance that, especially when Michael doesn't get home until 10pm and we're both too tired? Are we "supposed" to pray even though the act of closing our eyes to pray would make us fall asleep? Or are we "supposed" to get up early together to do something, with the same problem of falling asleep? How do busy people do it? Or are we "supposed" to set aside the time that we aren't working and are together, and spend a few minutes reading the Bible, praying, etc. But when Michael is working 4-5 nights a week, it gets difficult to even find the time to do that. But if something is a priority, we'll make it happen. So we'll see what we figure out!
God values relationships, so it makes sense that by taking the time to value our relationship with Him, He'll bless us and make our relationship a bit easier/closer. I know that praying and reading your Bible isn't the miracle cure to marriage hardships, but by growing closer together through reading the Bible sure puts you on the right path for it. When our relationship becomes nothing but fighting and resentment, something definitely needs to change. So here's to change and trying to refocus our relationship back on the one who brought us together. It wont be easy, but it will be good!

The Five Country Plan

I've never mentioned on here my views and hopes for children, so I thought I'd enlighten you (and be able to process this whole thing a little bit). Michael and I have been married for 5 months and we are nowhere near wanting to have children. We do joke around that when his sister, April, has her baby (it could be any day now...), Izzy (the baby--her name is going to be Elizabeth) will be our guinea-pig in dealing with a child. I've done nannying but it is nowhere near the same thing as having your own, and I have a feeling that Izzy will be the same way. We wont have to get up with her every 3 hours, and can give her back to April when she's fussy. But we'll see... because currently, the thought of having a child makes my heart race-- a sure sign I'm not emotionally ready to have a child.
On a recent blog post I read, it introduced me to the idea of leading a quiverful lifestyle in regards to childbearing. I'd never heard of it, having been raised in a pretty relaxed and non-traditional household. People who adhere to the quiverful ideas say that any sort of prevention of having a child (including abstaining from sex during ovulation [aka natural family planning]) is a sin; that God creates life and we should not stand in the way of God's life-giving powers... if you know me at all, you can safely guess that I don't think that is legit.
But I must admit, it did get me thinking. The blog I read linked to another blog that started the whole discussion. The idea that I took out of it was the idea that married couples don't tend to consult God in their reproductive decisions. Michael and I had never discussed what we thought God thought about us having children. So from that blog, Michael and I got into a pretty interesting discussion about what we thought God would want from us, if using contraception really was a sin (we don't think it is), and, like the original author of the blog was discussing, we had a discussion surrounding the idea of God and contraception.
But even though we don't think that we are sinning or preventing God from creating life (which he could do even with using birth control), we know that we are not anywhere near ready to have responsibility for a child's life. We barely make enough money as it is, and we're only in our early 20s for crying out loud! We could wait 10 years and still have plenty of time to have more than one kid!
Another aspect to our decision is that we want to experience life first. We want to travel, we want to live a life that is not dictated or restrained by having a child. Yes, I understand that children are a blessing, but where we are in life right now, we don't see it that way. If we ended up getting pregnant, we would embrace it and love that child more than we could imagine, but if we can prevent it and lead our life sans children for a while, we would like to do that.
But the question arises: is that selfish? Is that too self-centered? Is it okay to be all about us? What if we're not meant to even have children? (Even my sister pointed out "you don't even like kids"... I'm sure it'd be different if they were mine, but what if that's true? What if I wouldn't like my future children?) Is it socially (especially in the church) acceptable to choose to not have children?
We've decided on a 5-country plan for deciding when to have kids: we want to travel to 5 different countries before we have any kids (we know that is completely unrealistic, so it's actually "after Michael is done with school [in 2 years] we'll reassess the situation" plan)... but we can dream!
How do people decide when to have kids? When it's an unplanned thing, you obviously have no choice, but if you get married, how have other people made that decision? Do you just get the "baby bug" and that's when you start trying? There are just so many questions surrounding this seemingly small subject... I'll be wrestling with this one for a while.
Oh, and if we're lucky to make it to one country, we'll be happy :-)

Brushing the Dust Off My Bible

I got together with a friend the other night who goes to school in California, so it was great to see her! She's two years younger than me, but since we were in middle school, we've really been able to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, including life in general. She is actually the catalyst to me exploring my thoughts and ideas of egalitarian vs. complimentarian marriages. We always have great conversations whenever we get together, whether in person or for a "phone date."
Anyway, she was telling me about how great life has been for her being connected at her church, doing a Bible study with her mentor, and getting to know Christian friends at her church.
I'm so excited for her and where life is taking her, but her excitement also made me realize that I lacked that enthusiasm for anything regarding church. Don't get me wrong, I love the church we go to and we love the friends we're making, but when it comes to actual church and the Bible, a big yawn comes out of my mouth.
I don't know if it's just a phase, or if it's a sign of something bigger. I've always struggled with having a good, quality, more than once a month quiet time. I know that they're important and when I have my high phase, I really enjoy it. But when I'm in the place I'm in now, the Bible seems boring, more like a textbook that you have to read to do well in life... not a way to connect to our heavenly creator who loves us. Michael and I tried to read together but doing it at night leaves very little time for discussion before we're both falling asleep.
The time I did it most consistently was when I was in school and nannying-- the kid(s) napped and I did my quiet time. Since I nannied about 2-3 times a week, it kept me on a pretty regular schedule for a quiet time. But once that stopped, and especially now that I have a full-time job, it's even harder. I can't do it at lunch because it's way too distracting sitting out on 16th Street Mall (you can't believe the great people watching that happens by sitting out there!), and I hate staying cooped up in the office all day without any fresh air. As I write that it sounds like excuses, but should a quiet time require me being miserable (if I stayed in the office the whole day)? And if I do it when I get home, I haven't seen Michael all day and it's dinner time when I get home. And if I do it in the morning, I'd probably fall back asleep because I get up really early as it is. I don't feel like there's any time to have a good quiet time. I pray occasionally when I'm walking to and from work, but that's definitely not enough.
How do people do it? What kinds of sacrifices need to be made to have a relatively consistent quiet time? Should it be a sacrifice? Because getting together with my friend the other night was anything but a sacrifice-- I was looking forward to seeing her since we scheduled a time to meet! I know that I should have that enthusiasm for reading the Bible and connecting with God, but when I struggle to connect with Him, it isn't as exciting to think about "getting together" with God. If I have a friend or coworker who is not as easy to talk to or connect with (at some points it's even painful), I don't look forward to talking to them or getting together with them; and if I do, I'm just waiting till the whole thing is over. And honestly, that's how I tend to feel about God and the Bible. I don't get anything out of it, and it feels like a one-sided conversation. I'm not good at sitting still and listening-- I just don't function that way, so "hearing from God" is a vague and illusive concept for me. I get feelings-- being uneasy, feeling at peace, a nagging on my mind, etc., but never a clear path or writing on the wall. Maybe it'd feel more like that if I spent more time with God and reading the Bible, but, as you can see, it's a vicious cycle.
So I guess this whole thing is for me to process how I'm feeling, as well as to seek any advice from people. Advice is the wrong word... what I'd love to know is how others connect with God and especially if they're working people, how they find the time to connect with God during the work-week. Obviously just sitting in church waiting for it to end so we can talk to our friends and leaving my Bible untouched for weeks (if not months) at a time isn't working for me. I need some different ideas or some good recommendations for books, Bible studies, etc.

Does God Have a Wife?

I realized I haven't written anything very deep or thoughtful lately. I guess I feel uninspired or haven't found anything worth trying to digest and process on here.
Well, I have found something that has been puzzling me for a while. I'm reading a book called Jezebel by Lesley Hazleton. It's a non-fiction telling of the story of the interactions of Queen Jezebel, King Ahab, and Elijah from a historical perspective. When I first picked it up, I thought it was going to be a historical-fiction novel, but I have been pleasantly surprised by how interesting and informational it is. I'm not very knowledgeable of the Old Testament, and knew nothing of Jezebel, except that people use her name like a weapon; but I was never sure why. This book has already helped paint a picture of her influence on history, as well as who she and her husband were. I'll wait to recommend it (or not) when I finish it...
Anyway, the reason I'm writing this blog is because of something the author said and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out if it is true. Here is the passage from the book that has me puzzled:

"As Jezebel was yet to discover, Yahweh did indeed have a consort-- a lesser version of Astarte known as Asherah.
We know of her from ancient inscriptions calling down teh blessings of 'Yehweh and his Asherah' as well as from the Bible itself. In Jeremiah she is known as 'the queen of heaven,' and her image -- a stylized Tree of Life-- was placed beside the main alter in the temples of Yehweh." (pg. 43)

Is Asherah real? Is it a myth? Who is she? I found a few verses that talk about her:

Jeremiah 44:18

18But ever since we stopped burning incense to the Queen of Heaven and pouring out drink offerings to her, we have had nothing and have been perishing by sword and famine.”

Jeremiah 7:18

18The children gather wood, the fathers light the fire, and the women knead the dough and make cakes of bread for the Queen of Heaven. They pour out drink offerings to other gods to provoke me to anger.

Is she a superstition? Or is there such thing as a queen of heaven? Is there a female spirit up there with Jesus? Or is it humans trying to create a balance in their mind-- thinking that God needs a female counter-part since we, as humans, have males and females? I'm so confused by this! Because in Jeremiah 44:18 it sounds like she was taking offerings and helping to protect people... but then in (actually, it's first) it says they are provoking God by giving offerings to other gods. Does the Queen of Heaven qualify or is she with God so offerings to her count towards God as well? And if she really does exist, how come it's never been talked about? Why is shes never mentioned? What does/will that do to my faith? to others' faith? What kind of impact would it have if she does exist and churches start teaching about her and praising her like they do God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit? Is that even possible to happen? I have so many questions flying through my head!
I know I need to do some more research, but I'm surprised I've never heard of this before! If anyone has any sort of insight, please help me out!

Guest Blog- Is Grace That Amazing?

This is a little belated (unfortunately, continued job searching for a better job takes priority over blogging) but I posted a blog on Jason Clark's blog. You can find it here. I wrote about grace and what it means in our everyday lives. I had some other thoughts that came from that blog, so I'll digest them here!
After the sermon on grace and discussing it in our young marrieds group, it was weighing heavily on my mind. Grace is a big deal to me, as well as the hardest thing for me to give. Anyway, the discussion in our group was very interesting because it all of a sudden turned from giving grace in general to needing to give grace to churches we've been to. Most of the people in the group we were in had been burned by a church (or more). We started sharing bits and pieces of our stories and we found that it's easier to give grace to other fallen people, but it seems more difficult to give it to churches who have been significant in our lives.
In my own life, and I'll try to keep this brief, the church I went to in high school really messed me up when it came to seeing the good in church. The youth pastor was selfish; he played favorites and ignored everyone else; he didn't do anything a youth pastor is supposed to do like take people out to lunch, spend quality time with people, etc.; he never invested in the students' lives; if someone disagreed with him, he treated them like shit (pardon my language)... need I go on? I've been relatively defiant my entire life. If someone says I HAVE to do something, and I don't get a good reason why or don't think it's right, I have a very hard time doing it, if at all. So needless to say, my youth pastor and I butted heads more than once. But he was my "church authority" and what he said was "right." You can guess how well that sat with me. So the only real authority that I knew in the church was false and seemed to always be wrong-- how am I supposed to deal with that? If he's always wrong, are all pastors and youth pastors wrong? Can I trust what they teach me? Is there some sort of agenda to what they say? Thankfully, that is not always true. Unfortunately, it can be, but for me, I found some wonderful churches and teachers/pastors who were not the embodiment of everything wrong with churches today.
Well, when the church I was going to during my adolescent years-- the years where identity is explored and authority is questioned and speculated-- the authority was corrupt and false. They taught harmful doctrine (especially when it came to personal relationships like dating and marriage as well as what a "good Christian" looks like) and so I was held down and manipulated with that doctrine. I'm sure you can see the the still-present hurt and pain and wounds that have come from that church.
So, in regards to grace, how can I give grace to a place that claimed to love and follow God's teaching when, in fact, was showing anything but? I know there are lots of other examples of things that were wrong and hurtful from that church, not just my own but others' experiences, as well as other churches I've been to. No church is perfect, just like the people who attend them. But when a church is supposed to be the personification of Christ-- His bride-- shouldn't there be a higher standard? How can I forgive my youth pastor whose actions cut deeper than any other wound ever has? And he represents the church I attended. Can I separate the people from the church and give grace and forgiveness to them? Can I fully embrace the fact that they (the people of the church) believe they are doing what they think God is wanting them to do and that the only real issue is that there is a disagreement of doctrine and interpretation? Well, I sure hope someone else can give them grace, because that will be a struggle for me to show grace to any church that holds people down with false and dominating doctrine. So thankfully God has grace for them, because me, a fallen sinner, cannot give it to them (yet, anyway).

Where's the Line?

My last post was about the sermon given on Sunday and I have another part of it I want to digest. The teacher on Sunday was talking about deeper devotions with God and during our young marrieds group when we were discussing the notes for the sermon beforehand, we got to talking about devotions as in "quiet time." I'll be the first to admit that I'm the worst at keeping a regular quiet time where I sit down, pray, read my Bible, write in my journal, and/or read part of a Christian book (I'm trying to get through Utmost for His Highest). Even when I'm sitting at home looking for a job, I can't seem to find the time to have a quite time!
My biggest struggle is that I have conflicting feelings about wanting to spend quality time with God without it becoming legalistic. I've heard that we should think of our time with God as a time with our friends-- well, I don't see my friends that often. I see some of them once a year! Those who I'm closer to, I'll see every couple of weeks or so... is that how often we should spend time with God? I don't think so, but where is the line-- The line between having to do it because we should and wanting to do it because He's God? Do I just have to think about it as something I have to do and it will become something I want to do? But should God be like a habit? That just seems weird! Is praying in the car on the way to wherever enough? Is sitting quietly without any sort of religious text around okay/enough? Or is it just an "easy way out" by putting the least amount of effort into it while wanting the most effort put in on the other end? I can tell you that friendships/relationships do not last long if that's what someone does! Relationships require equal input and output-- I can't expect God to be any different.
But it all goes back to my initial question-- where's the line? Can a overwhelming desire to read my Bible and take time out of my day to spend time alone with God just be created out of thin air? Does it take some initial habitual reading to get into it? It'll take some more digesting and prayer and whatever to strengthen my relationship with God. Anyone got any other thoughts on this subject?

I am Weak but He is Strong

Have you ever had Will Ferrell come to your church and teach a sermon? Well I think his twin came and spoke this week... just kidding! But he sure did look just like him! He was about 6' 5" and looked like a mix of Will Ferrell and Dane Cook (the comedian) and his voice sounded like Ryan Reynolds. And he had the humor of them all, and at the same time, the seriousness of someone with a message to spread and love to give.
He spoke on the idea of devotion and what we give our time and energy to. One thing he discussed the act of being "simply and honestly yourself" before God. It was surprisingly a difficult thing for me to admit that I have a hard time doing that. It's not like God doesn't know me deeper than I know myself, but admitting to Him that I'm terrified, weak, worn-out, etc is a lot harder than I realized. I'm also not honest with myself about it, which just shows how "good" I am at avoiding self-reflection and admitting weaknesses. I'll admit it to a person here or there, but never living my life as a broken, fearful sinner who has been saved by the love and grace of God. I usually have the attitude of "I don't need anyone's help! I can do this by myself! I'm fine! I'm not afraid of anything!" But it's really not true, when you really get past my perfected charade.
It's definitely a pride issue, because being short, small, and female (oh, and did I mention I am often mistaken for a 16 year-old? [I'm about to be 22]) I tend to need to compensate for it and prove to others that I'm just as capable at doing __(fill in the blank)__. But how much of that is an excuse? I just need another reason to not ask for help and be stubborn and "independent.
Yes, I'm strong, but God is stronger. I can't do it on my own, and that's harder to admit than anything else I will ever say. But how is that lived out? Can someone really come before God "simply and honestly"? I know that is what God desires, but is it even possible? How does someone get to that point where the charade of being happy and put-together around other people is taken away and all that's left is the true person? If it's possible to do with God, is it possible to do with other people, other sinners?
These thoughts and questions have had me struggling and fighting and discovering since Sunday and it really hit home. I want to be a real person, not just with one person or just God, but with everyone. I want to be real enough to encourage others to be real. And I want my self-revelation to come out in my relationship with God where I say "I'm weak and need your help because I can't do it on my own" without hesitation.

Snowshoeing Expedition

Michael and I went snowshoeing for the first time this last weekend. It was a BLAST! We got snowshoes through a friend and drove my dad's Forester up to Idaho Springs. We found the trail our friend told us about, struggled to attach the shoes to our boots, and headed off into the snow-covered wilderness. It was an awesome experience, not just for the company, but for the views and sights that we saw. We were somewhere that, without snowshoes (or cross-country skis) you could never get to. The trees were glistening with snow and the scenery was breath-taking. It was like a little eye-present from God, showing us His beautiful creation in the mountains, even though it was the middle of winter. I love hiking, so now being able to "hike" in the winter makes enjoying the Rocky Mountains even better! So I would suggest that if anyone has ever wanted to go snowshoeing, they should definitely try it out-- it's WAY cheaper than skiing/snowboarding (rentals cost at most $12) and it can be done almost anywhere-- you don't have to drive all the way up to a resort to spend a bucket of money just to go! It's hard to imagine not living right next door to the mountains!

Processing the Character of God

I was sitting in church on Sunday and the sermon was about making a New Year's Resolution to focus your resolutions and life on the character of God. It was pretty interesting and it made me think. I was processing about it later, I started thinking about the character of God that is seen in the Old Testament versus the God we see today. God didn't hesitate to bring down fire and brimstone on a community that had lost their focus on God. Why doesn't that happen today? Why don't we seem to see God's wrath in the world today? Is it too easily dismissed as something else, like mother nature, terrorists, etc? Or has God changed the way He reacts and interacts with humans? I know Jesus came down to redeem humanity, so does that mean God's wrath no longer is brought down on earth? And what about miracles? I know they happen now and then, but what happened to people being healed left and right, all in the name of God/Jesus? All these questions make me wonder, I know that God doesn't change, but can/did He change how He interacted and dealt with humanity?
I'm not really looking for an answer, but an opportunity to process the character of God. I hope all of you find God this year and your life and your relationship with God and others is transformed!

Coffee on Fire

Now that I'm finally done with school, the holidays are over, and I have internet in my house, I can finally write about some deeper thoughts. So here we go...
As I had mentioned before in a blog, I had the opportunity to be a barista at a local coffee shop in Fort Collins. It was at a coffee shop owned by a local church to have something to use the space 6 of the 7 days of the week. So, coincidentally, most of the people who go there and work there are Christians. My sister and I worked with a man, who I'll call John, who was a very passionate man. At first, it seemed very awkward when he would randomly ask questions that had to do with the Bible, Jesus, etc.
For example, when the Colorado Rockies were in the playoffs, many of the people in there were online trying to get tickets. John then asked my sister and I, "if Jesus were in here, what would he think?" Honestly, at first I was a bit annoyed-- like Jesus would care if we wanted to buy tickets to go to a baseball game. But the more we worked with him, the more interesting and thought-provoking his questions became (even more importantly, less irritating). They made me think, even days after I worked with him. For example, here's a question he asked: "Was Jesus the only perfect person mentioned in the Bible? If you look at Job 1:8, it says "Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil." Does that mean he was sinless? Was he perfect? Because blameless means perfect." Pretty interesting question, right? Every week, he would ask my sister and I some question and we would discuss it. He was always thinking about and talking about Jesus and God and the Bible. It was so apparent that he was on fire for God. I soon realized that I was no longer irritated with the questions, I no longer thought he was an over-zealous, legalistic Christian trying to condemn everyone with his questions; but now thought of him as his a great seeker and model for how Jesus talked about being consumed with God. By no means am I saying John is perfect, but I am saying that he is living a life that I strive to live. I put my Bible on my bookshelf where it sits for days, even weeks sometimes, putting God at the bottom of my priority list. John's passion for Jesus and making God the focus of his life and conversation is remarkable.
So all of this gets me thinking: am I like this? Do people see Jesus in me? Or am I just another person on the street? Are my thoughts consumed with thoughts of Jesus and His life? Is it even possible, having been a Christian for my whole life, to be as on fire for God as a relatively new Christian? What hinders me from making God my #1 priority? Why doesn't the need for reading my Bible and praying and taking time out of my day to spend it with God overwhelm everything else? More importantly, how can I have the hunger for it without getting legalistic about it? I can tell you that New Year resolutions don't help either! Every January I read my Bible every day... and it only take a few weeks for that to slow down and eventually become what it always is-- once every two weeks, at best.
So here's to a new year and a new chance to start over. I know what kind of life I want to be living, so with the help of God and support of others, I will work my way to living the life I want. That's all I can realistically do.

So Many Questions, So Few Answers

At the church I attend in Denver, they have been doing a series on doubt. It's been a very meaningful series and has made me think a lot. My biggest struggle was the fact that I felt that I did not have any real doubts. But as this series continued and as I would think about the sermons during the week, I realized there were some deep doubts and major questions and struggles that I have. The biggest one I have always seemed to struggle with is friendships. I've always had friends, it's keeping them that is my problem. It seemed every year of school I would lose my friends to some extenuating circumstances-- moving away, leaving the school, etc. So each school year I would have to start from scratch at finding new friends. I would through the doors on the first day of school friendless, and thankfully God blessed me by finding great friends during that year. Unfortunately, more times than not, at the end of the year, something would happen (or nothing, but the friendship would be over for whatever reason) and the process would happen all over again. That is how I've seen God work in my life to bring me great friends every year, but the questions I still have are: "Why did they have to end? Why did I have to start over fresh every year? Why can't I hold onto these friendships? Were they even real friends?" To go along with that, not only did I have friendships end, they ended badly. They didn't just move on or fade out, but they actually ended with hurt feelings and resentment-- reasons I could point my finger to and still have lingering hurt from. They have been friendships that I thought were deep and possibly life-long. I spent an entire summer after high school having to deal with this-- let's just say I hate when it happens again. So when it does happen again, I realized I turn to God and ask, "WHY!?!? Why me? Why again? I thought this was a one-time...two-time... thing!" How can God, when He knows how important friendships are to me, how much I struggle with them, and how important fellowship is in general, let friendships end terribly or people let you down or betray you? If it is something that I'm doing (since I am the common denominator in all those failed-friendships) why can't I figure out what it is? Why do I have to keep going through this? I understand friendships ending naturally or gradually, but why must some end with such hurt or bitterness? I have tried to reconcile with people from my past and even though we forgave each other and talked honestly with each other, there is still hurt there-- even after 3 1/2 years! Where is the love and grace that God promises? These were church people and they left my high-and-dry... How could God let someone who was a leader and those who said they loved God treat someone so terribly? How could my heart endure that kind of pain? That kind of abandonment?

And this goes for church-relationships as well. I have been a part of numerous churches and all seemed to end badly. It wasn't just a "oh, I'm leaving because of ___ (a non-issue like leaving for college)" but a "the people in this church hate me/ignore me/patronize me/etc." Is there something I'm doing to have no choice but to leave every church I attend? It's a bit heart-breaking when I'm suddenly not accepted where I was loved the day before.
Another issue I have is why the church so divided. This is my biggest question when it comes to church. When the message of Jesus was pretty simple, why are there countless churches on every street corner, each one pretty much at war with one another over minute, mundane details and interpretations? I had a discussion with a guy my sister and I barista with about church divisions. He talked about how in Acts (I think) there were tons of churches, but they were all united under one cause and one reason. There were only different ones because of location, not differing beliefs. And yet, over time, different churches came to mean you had to have xyz belief and think those with abc belief are stupid, ignorant, devil-worshiping, blasphemist, going straight to hell ... you fill in the blank. I can't understand when every Christian church says they love God and are following the teachings of Jesus and yet are so full of hate or disdain or prejudice. Is it possible for us all to be right? Or are we all wrong? Are there people who are doing things right? Is it possible to be doing it all right when we're also doing it all wrong? Is there an absolute right and absolute wrongs?

I don't think there are any answers for any of my endless questions. But that is what is great-- I can ask the questions, process them, research them, discuss them, etc. I just can't let those doubts lead me away from God but towards Him. God is a mystery and we are fallen people... that's the most important thing to remember!

Wow! And here I thought I didn't have any doubts or questions... This post was a lot more exposing and deep that I anticipated. Well, this is what I'm dealing with! Life's all about being real, right? Well, I'm trying to work every day to understand and be drawn closer to God through my struggles and my questions. I pray that God reveals Himself to me, and to others who have questions and struggles weighing on their hearts. I pray that God can take away the hurt and the pain, and replace it with love and compassion... not an easy process by any means.

No Pain, No Gain in Relationships

I posted a blog on Jason Clark's site a while ago about the redemption of the father in the movie, "Little Miss Sunshine." Since then, I have experienced redemtion in my own life. This last week God helped me gain the courage to confront and deal with some difficult issues with friends and a family member. Needless to say, I was glad when the week ended. However, through the very difficult process of confronting hurt feelings and negative feelings (and the anxiety that went along with it), God redeemed those relationships. I know that my friends and family love me and care about me and our friendship/relationship, so I had nothing to worry about. But boy oh boy is dealing with it difficult. This whole process helped me realize the amount of redemption I experience in my life. Each day I fall on my face, God is there to pick me right back up and shows me how to not fall next time. It's, again, a difficult process, but very necessary. But I'll bet God doesn't get knots in His stomach when He does show me my crap. I guess that's what you get for being the creator of the universe... Anyway, God uses the love and friendship I have through the people in my lives to continue to redeem me and my relationships. I love my friends and family more than I could ever express and it broke my heart this week to have so many issues to deal with! But through dealing with those issues, my friendships and relationships are even deeper and stronger than they were ever before! But why must it be so painful to have to go through all that? No pain, no gain! And what a gain it was :-)

Coming to terms with taking a "flying" leap of faith

So a question has been running through my mind the last month or so. As most of you know, I am contemplating moving to London in the very near future. As the time when it would be possible nears, I have started to question and doubt why I would. My biggest question has become: is going "just for the hell of it" a good enough reason to move across the ocean? I feel God calling me there, but I'm not at all certain why or when or for what greater purpose. It's an opportunity, is that good enough? I've researched places to work, organizations to be hired through, etc., and I have realized that it wouldn't be too difficult to find a job-- that would not be something that would hold me from going. But when I tell people why I'm leaving EVERYTHING behind, what do I say? Is "God's calling me there" enough as well? It seems like such a cliche, but it's true! And is the feeling that God is calling me there all that I need to start applying for visas and looking for houses? Or is there a time frame? Do I need to wait for God to write in the sky "GO!" before I move, or do I take his prompting and calling and pull as my writing in the sky? I wrote a post a while ago about when the future becomes the present and when we know when God isn't just putting something on our hearts, but actually telling us to get our asses off the couch and go... needless to say, I'm still struggling with this issue. I keep looking for signs, but I feel like that's all I see. Is that a sign in itself? My biggest fear is that I am hearing things wrong, or I am being too hasty in my actions. Well, that's what faith is all about, isn't it? I'm feeling more and more like I'll graduate in December and not too long after, I will on a plane with only my clothes and my passport and a visa (oh, and a husband!) and set out on the adventure of a lifetime! But we'll see... things can change in the blink of an eye! (the London Eye, that is ;-)

Love and Chocolate

"Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside, whose people believed in Tranquilité - Tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you. You knew your place in the scheme of things. And if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you. In this village, if you saw something you weren't supposed to see, you learned to look the other way. If perchance your hopes had been disappointed, you learned never to ask for more. So through good times and bad, famine and feast, the villagers held fast to their traditions. Until, one winter day, a sly wind blew in from the North..."

This is the opening monologue in the movie, "Chocolat." I was watching it a few nights ago with two of my girl friends (Johnny Depp + chocolate = great girl's night!) and as much as I adore the movie, I was struck by the deep theological ideas/symbolism that the movie portrayed. When not drooling over Johnny Depp, I actually was amazed by the great picture of the church that the movie symbolized.
The movie is about a woman, Vianne-- unmarried with a daughter, neither one attends church-- who open a chocolate shop in a very quiet, traditional French town. This woman wears brightly colored dresses and shoes and befriends the people of the town (and visitors) who the town ignores or even "boycotts." Try as the mayor and the priest may, they cannot dissuade people from going to the chocolate shop.
Because the priest and the mayor do not agree with what Vianne does, they use the pulpit to convince the people that the chocolate that she sells and the friendship that she offers is evil and essentially like befriending the devil. The mayor goes around the town gossiping about Vianne and putting a negative light on everything about her, considering her and her chocolate "shameless" and "the enemy."
One day, a group of "pirates" (well, they're actually "river rats"-- as if that's any better) come to the village. They are seen as untouchables. However, as the town posts signs stating "boycott immorality," Vianne welcomes them to her shop with open arms, and a chocolate treat. Almost everyone in the town looks down on her actions, but the river rats all appreciate her hospitality. They even allow her to host a party on her boat. I must say, she and the guests of the party all looked like they were having a heck of a lot more fun than the people of the village...

In the end, everyone--including the hard-ass mayor-- come to realize the power of her unconditional and nonjudgmental love and friendship. (Sorry if I spoiled the movie... it's been out for 7 years, so I don't feel bad!)

So... that was a nice story... why write about it you ask. Well, I looked at it though the church's eye. Go back and read it again if you need to with this in mind: think of the town as the traditional church; Vianne as churches (and people) that are doing things a "bit differently" that the traditional church gasps at; the river rats as those that the traditional church shuns and puts down: homosexuals, the homeless, "sinners", etc. ... Read it again... It all comes together, doesn't it?!

God calls us all to be like Vianne. We need to stand strong in our own beliefs and love everyone, despite what others may think of them or what the "church" teaches about them. We need to stand out with our nonjudgmenal love and grace for people. We need to look beyond what "the church" teaches us to believe about them. There is truly nothing wrong with chocolate, and yet the mayor and the priest were able to convince the people of the town that it was evil. We need to think for ourselves and question what we are taught, especially to see if there is some kind of agenda behind it. We need to stand strong! We need to accept and even risk making enemies with others. Who knew that giving love to people could make others so mad? Mix things up a bit and bring light into dark places, places that have forgotten how to laugh, cry, and be joyful. Finally, give out chocolate-- you never know whose life you're going to change!

Guest Blog- Back from the Future

Well, I have officially guest-blogged on someone else's site! Thanks to Paul for his help and Jason for letting me do so! Go check out my thoughts on Jason Clark's blog!! So the question is: Can you live in the moment?

Jumping With My Eyes Closed

This picture symbolizes how I'm feeling at the moment... jumping off a cliff, with my eyes closed, praying to God that I will land on my feet (not my head) on solid ground. My life is so up in the air and I am seeking direction from God in so many aspects of my life! So if I feel God directing one part of my life in one direction, I don't really meditate on it or think about it for a while-- I jump! I trust that I have heard God's calling and I walk in that faith. And if I'm wrong, I trust God will bring me back to where He wants me. I'm just praying I'm landing where God wants me cuz I definitely feel like I'm jumping off and hoping I don't fall and land flat on my face! (Thankfully, God extends a LOT of grace (and band-aids) in case I do!)

Women: Created as Equals and Roles in Relationships

God created men and women as equals
Also, it was discussed that Christ was the head of the church, so men are the head of women........ connection? I don't see it either. My rebuttal (I mean response :-) to that was that Jesus was the bridegroom and the church is the bride, and if taken in the equality light, they (the bride and groom) are equal so no one is over the other. Christ is God, and God is over everything and without gender, so equating a male dominance based on God being over everything makes no sense. If God is over everything, He is over everyone, including women. So with the previous idea, who should be over who? (or is it whom?)-- wait, am I starting to see a position of equality? I think I am! God created men and women equally-- Eve was Adam's ezer [one who is truly fitting and fully adequate- just right; means 'one who helps'; it does not refer to someone who is secondary or inferior; 'like him'; literally 'as agreeing to him or his counterpart']-- his equal. God wants men and women to live in harmony with each other, neither one being better than the other, but fulfilling their unique call from God, with no regard to their biological makeup:

"You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for all of you are one in Christ Jesus."
~ Galatians 3:26-28

Men and women are equals in marriage because God created men and women as equals and views them as equals. God looks at their hearts and calls them as His children, and does not change His calling because someone is a man or as a woman. God does not talk to someone more or less because they have a penis or vagina. If they are seeking God's heart, a relationship will form and they will walk in God's will for their lives, as well as their marriage. And a marriage is not, as John MacArther says, that a man is like the sun, shining God's full glory, and that women are like the moon, shining a reflected glory from men. (I think I threw up a little in my mouth) (Thanks to Molly for that little tid-bit!)
Also, if God made women as equals to men (which everyone agreed with), why would women become less in a marriage? Why would they not be as much as a person or have as much of a say the instant they have a ring on their left hand? BOO-YA! No one one had a response to that and the topic was quickly changed! (I won that! wait, this wasn't a debate...)
But seriously, how can they believe that women and men are created equal but they are not equal in marriage? I mentioned that it was only after the fall that women were told that men would rule over them. It is because of their fallen state that men's pride and egos would take over and oppress women. It may not go to the extreme of abuse, but if you're keeping a woman in the kitchen and only letting her out to take care of the children and clean the house, how is that not a form of oppression? Women may choose to be a stay-at-home mom, which I want to do someday (screw having a career!), but it is the woman's choice, not her duty to do so. It is a calling on their life and their role in the marriage that a woman does so, not a God-given role for every woman everywhere. I have a friend, in fact, who once she graduates will be a female chemist. Her boyfriend (and soon-to-be husband) is in school to be an accountant. Can you guess who will be making more money? They'll be well-off financially, but she will be more powerful and make more money in the workplace. God has given her that talent and that passion. Should she reject that because "the church" says she should be a certain way? She may eventually take time off to be a mother, but she may not. Is that wrong? I don't think so. If God calls her to a certain career and not to stay at home, then she's actually going against God's calling on her life if she stays at home. She may find the cure for cancer (am I putting her future on a pedestal?) and that is God's purpose for her life, but because she chose to do what someone else told her she "should" do because she was a woman, she will not fulfill what God set her out to do. I know that's an extreme example, but on a much smaller and realistic scale, that's what "the church" is telling women to do-- who cares about your passions/calling/desires, it's all about your husband and his calling and passions; stay at home and be the perfect housewife and God will bless that because that is your God-given role. If women are so different, why would the church tell them all to be the same? Wait, it's men who are in charge...

Well, that's the end of part three! Stay tuned for part four!