When I disagree with something or someone on a certain topic, I want to become as informed on both sides of the issue so I really know where I stand and can back up what I believe. I mentioned a few posts ago that my young marrieds group has started reading "Love and Respect." I also mentioned that I was hesitant about reading it because I didn't know the author and had never heard of the book... and my hesitations were partially correct. Both Michael and I have struggled through this book because of the foundational ideas that it is based on. But it's a growing experience. We're coming to a deeper understanding of what we believe as a couple and as individuals. We are expanding our knowledge. And, if nothing else, we are engaging in conversation with people who don't always think 100% (if even 50%) of the time. It stretches us and, hopefully, we stretch them. There are times people say things that I completely disagree with, but I can respect and appreciate that that is how they function and what they believe.
I still have yet to buy the book, because if I spend most of my time disagreeing with it, there's no sense in owning it. However, my friend lent me the book to read during the week. I was reading it last night and this morning on the bus and I had an epiphany:
I HATE BEING PUT IN A BOX. A woman box, a young-person box, a married box, an American box, etc. I hate that my gender, my life-stage, my nationality, or whatever dictates how I'm "supposed" to be, how all in that same category are like that.
I might not mind the box if I fit into it nicely. But I never have, and I probably never will. I am actually more apt to fight the box and try to rip it down, just to prove that I can, and especially to show that I DON'T fit.
Even as I was reading the book last night, Michael was sitting next to me as I began grumbling under my breath about "this isn't me," "this is just a stereotype," etc. I read him a passage of the book out-loud and said "never in my life have I had an interaction/discussion like this one in the book!" And he just looked at me and said "Kate, you're the first woman I know who doesn't act like that." I stared at him. And it dawned on me... this is the root of my feelings towards anything or anyone who tries to put me in a box: I am not the kind of person who fits nicely in a box. And when someone tries to tell me about the box, I resist it, feel nauseous, and start to freak out (at least on the inside).
I wrote a post that hit on this idea a little bit and spoke more about how it effects my daily interactions with people. But for some reason, Michael's comment last night really struck me. It isn't just that I'm "strong" or "intimidating," it's that I resist boxes, and resist others telling me who I am just because of X or Y reason. I'm not a box person, and I'm okay with that. But when I read books like this one, or "Captivating" (which I've mentioned before I didn't even finish reading), I resist it and actually get angry and frustrated because THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! So I'll continue to read the book, for the sake of knowledge and discussion, but I now have an inner-understanding of myself that I don't fit into this mold, I don't fit nicely into the box that he puts me and my marriage in. And hopefully through this whole experience I can come out of it a happier, more well-rounded person, and hopefully pass that on to others. And I'll also try to keep my grumbling down to a minimum.
(And as a disclaimer, he does have some good points, but they get buried underneath the box, so I have a hard time finding them and recognizing them as applicable or even true-- but I'm working on finding them and appreciating them, even if I don't agree with everything 100%).
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