Inspriation from Esther's Courage

Today is International Women's Day and I have decided to participate in the synchroblog. You can find a list of other posts here.
The topic we are asked to write about Biblical women. However, I have to admit that beyond the basic telling of most of the stories about the women of the Bible, I don't know much else about them. I know who Ruth is, I know who Mary (Jesus' mother) is, and I just recently found out really who Jezebel is. As I thought about writing this post, I tried to think about what woman I most admire from the Bible or the one who I know the most about... and no one really came to mind. Although I never went to a church that taught women were less than men, I also never really focused on a woman from the Bible unless it was to say what a Christian woman should look like (meek, kind, even on the verge of a doormat).
I started to wonder why this was that I never really heard about the women of the Bible and really dug into their stories. Is it because the men are afraid of strong women, so teaching about them makes them even more uncomfortable? Are they just as uneducated about the women of the Bible as I am? ... Truth be told, I really don't know the reason.
I admire the courage of Esther, the strength and lack of self-consciousness of Mary Magdalene, and the faith of Mary, Jesus' mother. But I don't really know about these women. Who were they, what were their lives like, what was the culture like that they were living in? However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I never really learned about anyone in the Bible with any sort of depth.
But why not focus our time and energy on realizing the amazing women who are either mentioned or even have whole books written about them? These women lived in a time where women were seen as their husband's property, right next to their cattle. And yet these women stood out and showed their strength in the face of oppression and hardship. They showed their true, beautiful selves. I wish I could be like any of the women of the Bible who had the strength to stand out from the crowd and show how amazing they are.
From the little I know of her, Esther is definitely my favorite because she not only stood out from the crowd, she had enough love and compassion to risk her own life to save a whole group of others from certain death.
I want to be like Esther-- I want to lay down my own life and desires to make life better for someone else, if not a whole group of people. To not look at the obstacles, but look at the potential for a better ending-- that's the kind of life I want to live. I hope it never comes down to me having to lay my life down for someone or something, but if it did, I pray I have the courage of Esther to do whatever it takes to change the lives of others and the world.
I hope Esther and the other women of the Bible inspire others today and throughout the year to live their lives to the fullest and to be strong in the face of oppression.

Yay! A New Place to Live!

We're all moved in! I took Friday off to finish packing and we had a huge group of people come help us move on Saturday into a new apartment across town (thanks everyone!). It's bigger, more spacious, and has more storage... oh, and did I mention it's bigger? It's actually not that much bigger, but when you compare it to the shoebox we were living in, it seems humongous! It's also something we can take pride in, make our own, and really get all we can out of it. The layout is way better, as well as having vaulted ceilings, so it feels a lot more open than it really is.
The weirdest thing, however, is that there are no ceiling lights in the living room or the bedroom... so we have to go buy floor-lamps so we can see when we walk into the dark rooms. I never thought to ask about needing lamps for actual function to see in a room, but I guess you learn something new every time you move!
We're really excited about our new place, and I hope we can have everyone over to see it! If I wasn't so weary of posting pictures of where I live online, I'd post some here. But unfortunately, I have security-issue-problems.
I had the day off yesterday so we were able to get a lot more unpacked and put away, and now all we have left is to put pictures up! I'm so excited for this new phase of life and hopefully we're happy enough where we are that the next time we move will be into a house we will buy... but we'll just have to wait and see.
Praise God for a wonderful new place to live!!

I Need More Than Feel-Good Answers

[I started writing this post last week, but have been adding to it little by little and it's finally finished... a week later...]

This last Tuesday was the first time in a long time that I went to a church/group/Bible study where I walked away still thinking about what we talked about… and am still thinking about. We have a weekly Bible study with 4 other couples who we are slowly but surely growing deeper with and connecting more with. This last Tuesday we discussed how to live a balanced life in this high-stress society. Michael and I both thought the discussion would end in about 5 minutes because the all we could think of to say were church-isms and feel-good answers—pray, just rest in God, etc. But those answers don’t really help when you feel up to your eyeballs in life’s chaos. Yes, there are ways to take time for yourself, but the core issue came down to what does it look like to take refuge in God and spend quality time with him when you really feel no desire to do so; no drive or pull to open your Bible or take a few minutes to pray (without falling asleep or your mind wandering). I think it’s hard to have been a Christian almost my entire life, so I’ve heard it all and seen it all, so nothing is really a new concept to me. I know what you’re “supposed” to do, but a quiet time where I sit and read my Bible for an hour every day is not going to help me grow. It’ll just make me feel bad when I don’t do it or don’t get anything out of it. I thrive off conversation, discussion, dissecting verses and context, bringing up different ideas, debating, etc. So how can I get that when I’m sitting by myself in my room, trying not to fall asleep, or take my entire lunch hour to read my Bible and feel like a legalistic Christian who’s making a point of using my time to relax and get out of the office to show the world I’m reading my Bible. Yes, I know I could use my lunch hour to read my Bible and pray, but as I said before, that bores me. But what about reading a book that is written about the Bible or about religion or something “Christian” that isn’t the Bible. I’m currently reading Everything Must Change by Brian McLaren (yes, I know I’m way behind the times) and it’s really speaking to what I’ve been feeling about the Christian church and how Christians view the world. If I’m finding purpose and seeing God in that book, is it the same as a traditional quiet time? I know reading another book can be a cop-out, but it also opens my eyes and my heart to things the Bible teaches and different ideas that people have—hence my desire for discussion and debate—I like new and different ideas, so reading really does that for me. Growing my knowledge, my understanding of the Bible and the world around me, and growing myself as a person seem like legitimate ways to grow closer to God. If I can have a healthy relationship with my friends, who God has blessed me with, I can fully appreciate and get out of that friendship what I need and want. I use what God has taught me through books and discussions to better myself and better others. Doesn’t that make more sense than just sitting down and opening up my Bible to a random verse on a random page? I’m continuing to really think/pray about this and figure out what I should do and what God would want from me as an individual. Hopefully this group will take me to a place that I can grow even more and I can find God in places I don’t expect.

Bible Study is Group Therapy

So last night wasn't the disaster Michael and I envisioned. And that's a good thing. We had discussions and people asked some really good, challenging questions. It helped me dig even deeper into what I believe about marriage, roles (or the lack thereof), and my understanding of our group. Another refreshing part of the night was that one of the women in the group spoke first about what she believes about marriage and it was like she had crawled into my brain and knew exactly what I thought and felt. I've struggled to find women friends who have a similar view of marriage and men and women in general. One other woman in our group is also the same way, just not as vocal about it-- and I couldn't be more excited about it. I actually found friends who think like I do and I feel kind of at a loss of what to do because it's been so long since I've been around people like that. I don't think marriage roles/no roles will the center of every discussion I have with these women, but it at least took me to a deeper understanding and appreciation for these women. When I get frustrated in my marriage about whatever, I can expect that they will understand my thinking of marriage and give me advice/comfort accordingly. I don't have to worry about hearing "just be more loving," "the Bible calls women to submit," etc. So I'm excited to grow deeper with these friends and grow as a group. As I said before, we had great questions and I think if we continue that, we can really grow and strengthen each other as individuals, as well as a group. So, thank you Jesus for not having last night be stressful and frustrating!
(Also, I'm really working on and getting better at speaking in a group and being able to articulate myself and my thoughts in a coherent sentence/statement. Who knew this group would be like group therapy as well??)

Let's Be Adults About This... Hopefully

I'm at it again. I currently find myself on the edge of impending doom... okay, it's not that dramatic, but it feels that horrifying. What I'm talking about is a "discussion" of roles of men and women in marriage... this time with people who have researched and are married so this is going to hit REALLY close to home when we disagree. We managed to get through a discussion/debate/what-have-you about abortion without anyone flying off the handle, but that seems so minor in comparison to a discussion about marriage. The roles and views of men and women strike people at their core-- the foundations of their marriage and how they conduct their lives. I have a feeling this will either end quickly because no one will want to get into it, or it's going to be a disaster. I really hope it's not a disaster AND I hope we don't just stay on the surface. But I fear that neither one is very preventable. Some people have short fuses and others say they get heated no matter what the topic is... grrreeeaaaatttt... Intense people dealing with an intense discussion. Hopefully I'll leave pleasantly surprised that people could be mature and we can go away with "we agree to disagree and we still like each other." But I'm older and viewing marriage from a much different perspective, so hopefully I can speak my point of view without being immature or condescending (I had issues with that the last time I had a "debate" about men and women and church/home).
The discussion of roles is a seemingly uncomplicated one, until you start researching for whatever side you're on, and you see how one belief about men and women has an impact on other areas of belief about men and women. I hope to learn something new tonight, as well as teach something. If nothing else, I hope we can all gain a respect for each others' marriages and/or come along side anyone who needs or wants help/encouragement.
Our group strives to be one of community and we're slowly but surely getting there. It's taken a while for people to open up and share what is really on their hearts and weighing on their minds. I want to live life with these people, and growing deeper and digging to the heart of issues is the only way we will get there. Oh, and time. I have to remember that deep relationships cannot develop overnight or even over a weekend.
Okay, I've processed enough about this. It's quite possible I will have more to say/process after the night is over. Wish me luck!

Moving, Yet Again...

Michael and I are moving!! I'm so excited about it! We're moving about 15 minutes east of where we are now to an apartment complex. We've been living in a basement apartment. It gets a bit awkward because the landlord is the neighborhood pastor of our church... who is also Michael's boss. So tensions either about where we live or about his job have that added awkwardness of living underneath his boss/landlord. But we've enjoyed where we've lived but the time has come to move on. We couldn't have afforded anywhere else (besides my parents basement) when we first got married, so the apartment has definitely been a blessing. But we're both working now and can easily afford somewhere a bit bigger and a bit nicer. I think it's amazing that they have the opportunity to help people out by having apartments in their basement that they charge very little rent for (especially compared to what the apartments are worth in that neighborhood). I hope to do the same, some day down the road when we own our own house.
But as older posts have stated: I HATE MOVING! The thought of boxes and tape and labels and wrapping crap in newspaper and bubble-wrap makes my stomach churn and I feel nauseous. It helps that this moving experience isn't moving home to my parents, but to a new place that is nicer and symbolizing a new phase in our lives.
We move on Valentines Day, which I couldn't care less about moving on that "holiday" because I hate Valentines Day (don't get me started about why...). It's a great coincidence that we move in that day because I have a 3-day weekend because of Presidents Day that following Monday.
So we're starting to sort through our things and throw/give things away. The boxes have yet to come out from under the bed, because I just might have a full-blown panic attack at the sight of them... just kidding... no I'm not... I dread packing and moving, but hopefully this will be a positive experience that will overshadow past, traumatic experiences... hopefully...
And let's hope we like this place well enough that we will stay longer than a year and don't have to pack up and move all over again. It's my hope that the next time we move, we'll be moving into a house that we bought. But that's just my hope. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I'm Wasting Away!

Okay, so I'm not really wasting away, but it sure felt like it last week. I was sick for 3 days straight and hardly ate anything at all. No calorie intake=weight loss... it's a simple equation but not ideal for me. Most people enjoy the benefit of losing a pound or more after being ill, but let me let you in on a little secret-- I can't afford to lose any weight, even a single pound! Wanna know why that is? Well, it's because, naturally (and at a healthy weight) I weigh about 95 pounds. I know, I know, I'm a shrimp! My sister gets jealous about my weight and I envy her for the 6 inches of height she has on me, so there you go.
But losing weight is scary for me, as strange as that sounds. I stay at the same weight all the time because I expel as many calories as I consume on a day-to-day basis so my weight never fluctuates. So when I lose any weight, I have the absolute hardest time gaining it back because I don't overeat-- it's just not part of the way I eat-- I don't snack, and I stop eating when I'm full as opposed to when my plate is clean (strangely enough, that is a concept a lot of people don't get or understand).
So, all that to say, when I lose weight I end up worrying about how I will gain that weight back, instead of the common fear of keeping the weight off. I already lost 5 pounds last year when, stupidly, I did a cleanse with our friends that made me lose 7 pounds in 6 days-- not healthy at all! (everyone else did it for a full 10 but I couldn't afford to!) I gained 2 pounds back (just because I was putting food in my system) but have yet to recover the other 5. And then I was sick last week and lost another 2 or 3. I think I gained those back, but our scale isn't very reliable so I'm not 100% sure.
I'm not anorexic by any means-- I LOVE to eat, I just don't overeat. I eat 3 meals a day, but my stomach gets full faster than most. I've been trying to eat junk food/fatty food but it ends up grossing me out and so the whole purpose of stuffing my face to gain weight is lost. I'm not unhealthy or underweight (I don't think a doctor would be concerned, since I am 4' 11 1/2" and just all-around small-statured) even though if I had those 5 pounds back, I'd probably feel (mentally) better.
Oh, and exercising just freaks me out. I know I could gain muscle weight, but even the likelihood that exercising would make me lose even an ounce of weight terrifies me! So I'm at a loss as to what to do. I could snack more (on healthy things, of course) and try to gain weight that way, but snacking fills my stomach and so I'm not as hungry when it's mealtime... vicious circle! So I guess I'm just on here to vent about my "opposite weight problem" and see if anyone has any ideas for me or a reassurance that I would gain weight if I exercised... anyone?

Boredom Results in Blogging

Yeah, you know how I said I was busy at work... well, today is not one of those days. I don't know why I didn't ask for the day off. This day is absolutely miserable! At the beginning of the day, there were only 12 people, including myself, in the office (there are usually 25). And right now there are 5... And my boss is gone so I can't ask to close down the doors and leave early. I feel like I should take Monday off just to make up for having to be here all day today. But it's days like this that I realize I could never work as a receptionist/admin. assistant my entire life. Because this isn't the first time I've had to stay all freaking day when everyone else is allowed to go home. And if I did this as my career, I would be stuck having days like this the rest of my life! And it's also days like this that I end up blogging like crazy because I have run out of things to do-- I have read everything, looked up everything, and even re-read things. I get desperate and I can't think of anything else to do!
This was a useless post, but I feel a bit annoyed that people seem to forget about me and don't consider that when there are 5 people in the office, there's no point in having our doors open (oh, and did I mention the phone has rang a total of 3 times today, and one was a wrong number... yeah, that's been my day...) and that I really don't have anything to do on days like today. Everyone else is salary and being there just in case the phone rings a 4th time is not on their priority list. So they can leave whenever they darn well please. Yeah... I could never do this as a career...

If Only She'd Take My Advice

**Removed because, well, you never know when someone will happen across your blog...**

The Resolutionless New Years

Happy new year! This year neither Michael nor I made resolutions. Instead, we made it a goal to try to better ourselves throughout the year and be better people at the end than we were at the beginning. As Michael said, there's no point in making a new year's resolution if you don't lead that kind of lifestyle to begin with. So this year we're going to be more generous, as well as more conscious of our spending. We want to love others as Christ loves them, and be deliberate in our actions. We have tried to that this last year, but want to be even more intentional and deliberate in our actions this year. We want it to become a lifestyle, not just a resolution that we make one day and break the next.
Oh, and just a side note, I must say I am a bit annoyed at the fact that it's been too warm that we couldn't go snowshoeing yesterday. We would have had to drive all the way up near the resorts, which we didn't want to do! Who would have thought I'd be annoyed by warm weather??