The Rant of a Couch-Potato

I'm going through my yearly (maybe bi-monthly) crisis of identity where I start to question who I am, what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going, who my friends are, who my family is... and it all gets jumbled around in my head and I start to close off and get frustrated with everything and everyone. Everything seems to annoy me, and people suddenly don't seem worth the time and effort.
Yesterday, Michael was playing bass for church and then went straight to a meeting, so I got to sleep in and I spent yesterday morning sitting on my couch watching stupid movies on tv, and didn't even take a shower at noon. And if I hadn't had to run errands and go to my parents' house for dinner, I probably wouldn't have moved much off the couch all day. But nothing seemed motivating. I mean, I didn't even knit while in my stupid-movie-stupor, which is surprising because knitting is something I enjoy doing while watching tv and movies! Especially when I've seen them before and I don't have to pay attention the entire time. I didn't call anyone to hang out with, because then I'd actually have to interact with people. And who to call is another question. The women I could have called were probably at church, which the thought of right now makes my stomach churn, and my other friends don't live close-by.
I guess I'm just feeling down. I went to my sister's event to raise awareness about human trafficking on Saturday through the Not For Sale campaign, so joy for life kinda left me this weekend. It was a bit more intense than I anticipated...
That event showed me, yet again, that I truly desire to live for something bigger than myself, but I don't know what that looks like. Does it mean something overseas, through a NGO, through more schooling to become a counselor of some sort? I DON'T KNOW! And it's killing me! I don't know who I want to be or what I want to live for because there are so many issues out there, and only so little time and money. I want to impact people's lives, but it's distressing to me that I don't know what that looks like for me.
I met with a friend for coffee last week, and she sat there telling me about her new vision for her life was to start a school. I have no desire to associate myself with anything in the education system, but I felt a pang of envy as she spoke about how the dream had become clear to her and she had already gotten the ball rolling by telling people about it and finding people who were interested... I sat there thinking, "I want to start something or be a part of something I'm so sure about and passionate about; if only I knew what that was." I'm excited for my friend, but at the same time, I feel depressed about it.
I wish it were me sitting at that table telling her about my new vision and purpose in life. Because right now, my only purpose is to show up to work (which I don't really enjoy), get a paycheck, and make sure Michael doesn't freak out and burn the church down. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for things to happen, but they don't, or they do but cause more waiting to happen. I waited to graduate, I then waited to get married, then I waited to figure out what the hell I was going to do for a job, then I have to wait to figure out what I really want to do with my life now that I'm making a steady paycheck, and I'm also waiting for Michael to finish school so I can possibly pursue my dream of working at a non-profit. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I want life and my dreams to finally catch up, but they seem stuck in stand-by mode.
My life is bigger than I am. I know that. I feel it deep down. But how I can express that and pursue that... that's the big question.
So thanks for listening to my processing rant. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a clear sense of what the hell I'm doing... or I might just have to keep waiting...

I Love My Husband, and He Loves Me!

As I mentioned a few days ago, it was our one year anniversary last weekend. We had a wonderful time! We toured around Colorado Springs, ate some mediocre food, watched a movie, and went to the zoo. And best of all, we spent all of our time together. We had a bit of a hiccup at the beginning of our weekend, but we then spent the rest of the time laughing, talking, puking (oh, have I ever mentioned I'm sir-pukes-a-lot? yeah, the legacy continues...[and no, it was not because of alcohol]), eating, and taking pictures of giraffes.
And best of all, we've continued to live in our happy, lovey-dovey mode since then. Yeah, we've fought a bit, but we've spent the rest of the time really enjoying each other and loving each other. Something has changed, for the better, and we've been able to enjoy each other and love spending time together. For example, we played 20 questions today in the car while driving up to Fort Collins and laughed the whole time!
I love my husband!! We're growing together as a couple and as individuals, and I'm loving every minute of it. There have had ups and downs, even this week, but I've loved the people we've become and will become the more we continue to grow together!
I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!!!

By The Way, I Might End Up On the Other Side of the World Someday...

So the second thing--
An idea I've been tossing around in my head, and really feeling a conviction for, is to possibly end up going to Southeast Asia and helping AIDS orphans there... WHAT??!?! Me? I know! I don't consider it a "missions trip" in the traditional sense, because my purpose is not to "bring Jesus" but to bring his love through my actions... make sense? This wouldn't happen any time soon, seeing as we don't have anywhere near enough money to even start thinking about, and also, it's a joint decision and so I wouldn't feel comfortable about going anywhere without Michael feeling it too. And to explain a little more, I'm not thinking this would be a week or two trip-- I'm thinking months or years... so that's why, for now, it's an idea and a thought that I'll keep researching and considering and praying about, but now is not the time to act.
I've acted quickly before, and I didn't sit down to consider what I was wanting to do and why. But in this instance, I've been thinking about it every so often since 2 summers ago when I took a class and did a project on a home for AIDS orphans in Cambodia. Ever since then, I have had a heart for those children and have wanted to do something about it. And now I've spoken it out loud (I informed Michael of my thoughts on Sunday while we were folding laundry...), it feels a bit more real and like it might maybe happen some day.
So if you are type of person who prays, pray for me as I toss this around and really investigate and see if God really wants me there. I've never thought I was one for overseas missions, but who knows... God might have other plans for me/us! But let's take that one small step at a time, m'kay?

One Year Down, Many More to Go!

Okay, so as I was writing my other post, I realized I had two things to process/tell about.
First-- next Saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of Michael's and my marriage :-D I cannot believe we've been married for A YEAR! Comparatively, that's not very long, but it's flown by, and hey, a life-long marriage has to start somewhere...
To celebrate, we're going down to Colorado Springs to tour around and spend the night at a hotel and then go snowshoeing the next day. Neither one of us has ever spent any real time down there (I know, it's sad that I'm a native and have not really been around the Springs...). But there's Garden of the Gods, the Royal Gorge, and who knows what else! And as for snowshoeing, the Springs gets dumped on all the freaking time, so I'm hoping there are some fun places to go around there.
We've been discussing anniversary gifts, and I really feel like this occasion calls for a lot more thought and sentiment than any other occasion (bday, Christmas, etc). But then again, if it's something he's passionate about, why not get him something that more resembles a birthday gift? I'm kinda torn. I have a good idea for one thing (thanks, Erin!) which I'm excited about, but it doesn't seem like enough. This is where I feel bad for Michael because women are easier to buy for-- jewelry, flowers, etc. Michael doesn't wear jewelry, he doesn't dress up for work (so cuff-links are out of the question), and he doesn't golf (so an engraved golf club is out of the question as well ;-). But we'll see what other ideas I have. I have a week to think of something!
Anyway, to be a bit more deep, it really interests me to look back on our first year of marriage and see the growth as individuals and as a couple. I can't believe the fights we had at the beginning and how much how we fight has even changed (for the better, thankfully!). We respect each other more, see each other for who we really are and still love each other just the same. We've lived life together and gone through the ups and downs and sideways. We've been there to support each other in personal lows, and rejoice in times of personal highs! I know that I can come to Michael with a fear or insecurity and I know he will help encourage me through it all and be my personal cheerleader. And I can be that for him as well.
When people say that opposites attract AND that you are one parent and you marry the other... yeah, those are both totally and completely 100% true! It's kinda freaky, actually. But the great thing is that through our differences, we can help each other grow. For instance, I'm more logical in my processing and reacting, and Michael is more emotional. At times, those differences ended up in major blow-ups, but through them I have helped Michael take a mental step back, evaluate the situation before reacting; and Michael has helped me explore and be okay with emotion and expressing it (which has been extremely hard because I HATE being out of control with my emotions... but then I am closed off... vicious cycle!) And yes, I am my mother... but I'm not complaining. I love my mom! And it's been nice to be able to go to her to seek advice on how to handle different situations with someone who is just like my dad. I have an ally and a support. It's awesome! And since Michael is just like my dad, it has helped me understand and better interact with my dad and my sister (who is also like my dad). I've gained a better understanding of how they work and how to interact in a healthy way with them. It's awesome!
And we heard from a lot of people that the first year of marriage is the hardest-- heck yes it is! I never realized how much work it would be to adjust to living with someone so different from me and learning to interact as a married couple and continue to have a healthy relationship. I'm hoping that this next year and all the years after are filled with growth, but hopefully it wont be as hard as this year was.
I love my husband and I can't wait to see what another year has in store for us! Come what may!! (That's our theme-song [this was our recession song in our wedding], as well as out motto for our relationship... just in case you were wondering)

When Life is a Bit Blah

I feel like I should write something since I haven't really written anything in a while. But nothing very interesting is coming to mind. I hate to use this blog as a constant whine-fest about friends and church, but other than those two things, not much else is going on in my life. I go to work 5 days a week, try to squeeze friends somewhere in there, and pack our weekends so full, I need another weekend after my weekend is over.
Michael has started playing rugby, and his first match, game, or whatever you call it, is tomorrow. It should be interesting and I will hopefully get to know the wives of the players and we can make new friends there... hopefully...
Church is church... we enjoyed going to the other location of the church this last Sunday, but I have a feeling that the "sacred" feeling I had on Sunday was a fluke-- more than likely it was just because we were in a new place (my church owns an old, historic Jewish temple-- it's really cool!), not because anything was that different. And it sucks that because Michael works for the church, we/he HAVE to go... I hate being told I have to do something when there's no real rhyme or reason to it. But I digress.
This month is going to be a lot calmer than last month, so I'm looking forward to enjoying more nights like last night where I had absolutely nothing to do! To give you some perspective, last month we had a total of 5 days ALL MONTH that we didn't have something planned... I was constantly exhausted-- we never could sit down to rest because we had something else to do or someone else to see! So this month we only have a few things planned and are trying more than ever to keep at least one day a week open just for the two of us to be together. We'll see how that goes.
Well, that's all for now. I hope to get more inspired later... Have a fabulous weekend!

Inspriation from Esther's Courage

Today is International Women's Day and I have decided to participate in the synchroblog. You can find a list of other posts here.
The topic we are asked to write about Biblical women. However, I have to admit that beyond the basic telling of most of the stories about the women of the Bible, I don't know much else about them. I know who Ruth is, I know who Mary (Jesus' mother) is, and I just recently found out really who Jezebel is. As I thought about writing this post, I tried to think about what woman I most admire from the Bible or the one who I know the most about... and no one really came to mind. Although I never went to a church that taught women were less than men, I also never really focused on a woman from the Bible unless it was to say what a Christian woman should look like (meek, kind, even on the verge of a doormat).
I started to wonder why this was that I never really heard about the women of the Bible and really dug into their stories. Is it because the men are afraid of strong women, so teaching about them makes them even more uncomfortable? Are they just as uneducated about the women of the Bible as I am? ... Truth be told, I really don't know the reason.
I admire the courage of Esther, the strength and lack of self-consciousness of Mary Magdalene, and the faith of Mary, Jesus' mother. But I don't really know about these women. Who were they, what were their lives like, what was the culture like that they were living in? However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I never really learned about anyone in the Bible with any sort of depth.
But why not focus our time and energy on realizing the amazing women who are either mentioned or even have whole books written about them? These women lived in a time where women were seen as their husband's property, right next to their cattle. And yet these women stood out and showed their strength in the face of oppression and hardship. They showed their true, beautiful selves. I wish I could be like any of the women of the Bible who had the strength to stand out from the crowd and show how amazing they are.
From the little I know of her, Esther is definitely my favorite because she not only stood out from the crowd, she had enough love and compassion to risk her own life to save a whole group of others from certain death.
I want to be like Esther-- I want to lay down my own life and desires to make life better for someone else, if not a whole group of people. To not look at the obstacles, but look at the potential for a better ending-- that's the kind of life I want to live. I hope it never comes down to me having to lay my life down for someone or something, but if it did, I pray I have the courage of Esther to do whatever it takes to change the lives of others and the world.
I hope Esther and the other women of the Bible inspire others today and throughout the year to live their lives to the fullest and to be strong in the face of oppression.

Yay! A New Place to Live!

We're all moved in! I took Friday off to finish packing and we had a huge group of people come help us move on Saturday into a new apartment across town (thanks everyone!). It's bigger, more spacious, and has more storage... oh, and did I mention it's bigger? It's actually not that much bigger, but when you compare it to the shoebox we were living in, it seems humongous! It's also something we can take pride in, make our own, and really get all we can out of it. The layout is way better, as well as having vaulted ceilings, so it feels a lot more open than it really is.
The weirdest thing, however, is that there are no ceiling lights in the living room or the bedroom... so we have to go buy floor-lamps so we can see when we walk into the dark rooms. I never thought to ask about needing lamps for actual function to see in a room, but I guess you learn something new every time you move!
We're really excited about our new place, and I hope we can have everyone over to see it! If I wasn't so weary of posting pictures of where I live online, I'd post some here. But unfortunately, I have security-issue-problems.
I had the day off yesterday so we were able to get a lot more unpacked and put away, and now all we have left is to put pictures up! I'm so excited for this new phase of life and hopefully we're happy enough where we are that the next time we move will be into a house we will buy... but we'll just have to wait and see.
Praise God for a wonderful new place to live!!

I Need More Than Feel-Good Answers

[I started writing this post last week, but have been adding to it little by little and it's finally finished... a week later...]

This last Tuesday was the first time in a long time that I went to a church/group/Bible study where I walked away still thinking about what we talked about… and am still thinking about. We have a weekly Bible study with 4 other couples who we are slowly but surely growing deeper with and connecting more with. This last Tuesday we discussed how to live a balanced life in this high-stress society. Michael and I both thought the discussion would end in about 5 minutes because the all we could think of to say were church-isms and feel-good answers—pray, just rest in God, etc. But those answers don’t really help when you feel up to your eyeballs in life’s chaos. Yes, there are ways to take time for yourself, but the core issue came down to what does it look like to take refuge in God and spend quality time with him when you really feel no desire to do so; no drive or pull to open your Bible or take a few minutes to pray (without falling asleep or your mind wandering). I think it’s hard to have been a Christian almost my entire life, so I’ve heard it all and seen it all, so nothing is really a new concept to me. I know what you’re “supposed” to do, but a quiet time where I sit and read my Bible for an hour every day is not going to help me grow. It’ll just make me feel bad when I don’t do it or don’t get anything out of it. I thrive off conversation, discussion, dissecting verses and context, bringing up different ideas, debating, etc. So how can I get that when I’m sitting by myself in my room, trying not to fall asleep, or take my entire lunch hour to read my Bible and feel like a legalistic Christian who’s making a point of using my time to relax and get out of the office to show the world I’m reading my Bible. Yes, I know I could use my lunch hour to read my Bible and pray, but as I said before, that bores me. But what about reading a book that is written about the Bible or about religion or something “Christian” that isn’t the Bible. I’m currently reading Everything Must Change by Brian McLaren (yes, I know I’m way behind the times) and it’s really speaking to what I’ve been feeling about the Christian church and how Christians view the world. If I’m finding purpose and seeing God in that book, is it the same as a traditional quiet time? I know reading another book can be a cop-out, but it also opens my eyes and my heart to things the Bible teaches and different ideas that people have—hence my desire for discussion and debate—I like new and different ideas, so reading really does that for me. Growing my knowledge, my understanding of the Bible and the world around me, and growing myself as a person seem like legitimate ways to grow closer to God. If I can have a healthy relationship with my friends, who God has blessed me with, I can fully appreciate and get out of that friendship what I need and want. I use what God has taught me through books and discussions to better myself and better others. Doesn’t that make more sense than just sitting down and opening up my Bible to a random verse on a random page? I’m continuing to really think/pray about this and figure out what I should do and what God would want from me as an individual. Hopefully this group will take me to a place that I can grow even more and I can find God in places I don’t expect.

Bible Study is Group Therapy

So last night wasn't the disaster Michael and I envisioned. And that's a good thing. We had discussions and people asked some really good, challenging questions. It helped me dig even deeper into what I believe about marriage, roles (or the lack thereof), and my understanding of our group. Another refreshing part of the night was that one of the women in the group spoke first about what she believes about marriage and it was like she had crawled into my brain and knew exactly what I thought and felt. I've struggled to find women friends who have a similar view of marriage and men and women in general. One other woman in our group is also the same way, just not as vocal about it-- and I couldn't be more excited about it. I actually found friends who think like I do and I feel kind of at a loss of what to do because it's been so long since I've been around people like that. I don't think marriage roles/no roles will the center of every discussion I have with these women, but it at least took me to a deeper understanding and appreciation for these women. When I get frustrated in my marriage about whatever, I can expect that they will understand my thinking of marriage and give me advice/comfort accordingly. I don't have to worry about hearing "just be more loving," "the Bible calls women to submit," etc. So I'm excited to grow deeper with these friends and grow as a group. As I said before, we had great questions and I think if we continue that, we can really grow and strengthen each other as individuals, as well as a group. So, thank you Jesus for not having last night be stressful and frustrating!
(Also, I'm really working on and getting better at speaking in a group and being able to articulate myself and my thoughts in a coherent sentence/statement. Who knew this group would be like group therapy as well??)

Let's Be Adults About This... Hopefully

I'm at it again. I currently find myself on the edge of impending doom... okay, it's not that dramatic, but it feels that horrifying. What I'm talking about is a "discussion" of roles of men and women in marriage... this time with people who have researched and are married so this is going to hit REALLY close to home when we disagree. We managed to get through a discussion/debate/what-have-you about abortion without anyone flying off the handle, but that seems so minor in comparison to a discussion about marriage. The roles and views of men and women strike people at their core-- the foundations of their marriage and how they conduct their lives. I have a feeling this will either end quickly because no one will want to get into it, or it's going to be a disaster. I really hope it's not a disaster AND I hope we don't just stay on the surface. But I fear that neither one is very preventable. Some people have short fuses and others say they get heated no matter what the topic is... grrreeeaaaatttt... Intense people dealing with an intense discussion. Hopefully I'll leave pleasantly surprised that people could be mature and we can go away with "we agree to disagree and we still like each other." But I'm older and viewing marriage from a much different perspective, so hopefully I can speak my point of view without being immature or condescending (I had issues with that the last time I had a "debate" about men and women and church/home).
The discussion of roles is a seemingly uncomplicated one, until you start researching for whatever side you're on, and you see how one belief about men and women has an impact on other areas of belief about men and women. I hope to learn something new tonight, as well as teach something. If nothing else, I hope we can all gain a respect for each others' marriages and/or come along side anyone who needs or wants help/encouragement.
Our group strives to be one of community and we're slowly but surely getting there. It's taken a while for people to open up and share what is really on their hearts and weighing on their minds. I want to live life with these people, and growing deeper and digging to the heart of issues is the only way we will get there. Oh, and time. I have to remember that deep relationships cannot develop overnight or even over a weekend.
Okay, I've processed enough about this. It's quite possible I will have more to say/process after the night is over. Wish me luck!