The Rant of a Couch-Potato

I'm going through my yearly (maybe bi-monthly) crisis of identity where I start to question who I am, what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going, who my friends are, who my family is... and it all gets jumbled around in my head and I start to close off and get frustrated with everything and everyone. Everything seems to annoy me, and people suddenly don't seem worth the time and effort.
Yesterday, Michael was playing bass for church and then went straight to a meeting, so I got to sleep in and I spent yesterday morning sitting on my couch watching stupid movies on tv, and didn't even take a shower at noon. And if I hadn't had to run errands and go to my parents' house for dinner, I probably wouldn't have moved much off the couch all day. But nothing seemed motivating. I mean, I didn't even knit while in my stupid-movie-stupor, which is surprising because knitting is something I enjoy doing while watching tv and movies! Especially when I've seen them before and I don't have to pay attention the entire time. I didn't call anyone to hang out with, because then I'd actually have to interact with people. And who to call is another question. The women I could have called were probably at church, which the thought of right now makes my stomach churn, and my other friends don't live close-by.
I guess I'm just feeling down. I went to my sister's event to raise awareness about human trafficking on Saturday through the Not For Sale campaign, so joy for life kinda left me this weekend. It was a bit more intense than I anticipated...
That event showed me, yet again, that I truly desire to live for something bigger than myself, but I don't know what that looks like. Does it mean something overseas, through a NGO, through more schooling to become a counselor of some sort? I DON'T KNOW! And it's killing me! I don't know who I want to be or what I want to live for because there are so many issues out there, and only so little time and money. I want to impact people's lives, but it's distressing to me that I don't know what that looks like for me.
I met with a friend for coffee last week, and she sat there telling me about her new vision for her life was to start a school. I have no desire to associate myself with anything in the education system, but I felt a pang of envy as she spoke about how the dream had become clear to her and she had already gotten the ball rolling by telling people about it and finding people who were interested... I sat there thinking, "I want to start something or be a part of something I'm so sure about and passionate about; if only I knew what that was." I'm excited for my friend, but at the same time, I feel depressed about it.
I wish it were me sitting at that table telling her about my new vision and purpose in life. Because right now, my only purpose is to show up to work (which I don't really enjoy), get a paycheck, and make sure Michael doesn't freak out and burn the church down. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for things to happen, but they don't, or they do but cause more waiting to happen. I waited to graduate, I then waited to get married, then I waited to figure out what the hell I was going to do for a job, then I have to wait to figure out what I really want to do with my life now that I'm making a steady paycheck, and I'm also waiting for Michael to finish school so I can possibly pursue my dream of working at a non-profit. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I want life and my dreams to finally catch up, but they seem stuck in stand-by mode.
My life is bigger than I am. I know that. I feel it deep down. But how I can express that and pursue that... that's the big question.
So thanks for listening to my processing rant. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a clear sense of what the hell I'm doing... or I might just have to keep waiting...

I Love My Husband, and He Loves Me!

As I mentioned a few days ago, it was our one year anniversary last weekend. We had a wonderful time! We toured around Colorado Springs, ate some mediocre food, watched a movie, and went to the zoo. And best of all, we spent all of our time together. We had a bit of a hiccup at the beginning of our weekend, but we then spent the rest of the time laughing, talking, puking (oh, have I ever mentioned I'm sir-pukes-a-lot? yeah, the legacy continues...[and no, it was not because of alcohol]), eating, and taking pictures of giraffes.
And best of all, we've continued to live in our happy, lovey-dovey mode since then. Yeah, we've fought a bit, but we've spent the rest of the time really enjoying each other and loving each other. Something has changed, for the better, and we've been able to enjoy each other and love spending time together. For example, we played 20 questions today in the car while driving up to Fort Collins and laughed the whole time!
I love my husband!! We're growing together as a couple and as individuals, and I'm loving every minute of it. There have had ups and downs, even this week, but I've loved the people we've become and will become the more we continue to grow together!
I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!!!

By The Way, I Might End Up On the Other Side of the World Someday...

So the second thing--
An idea I've been tossing around in my head, and really feeling a conviction for, is to possibly end up going to Southeast Asia and helping AIDS orphans there... WHAT??!?! Me? I know! I don't consider it a "missions trip" in the traditional sense, because my purpose is not to "bring Jesus" but to bring his love through my actions... make sense? This wouldn't happen any time soon, seeing as we don't have anywhere near enough money to even start thinking about, and also, it's a joint decision and so I wouldn't feel comfortable about going anywhere without Michael feeling it too. And to explain a little more, I'm not thinking this would be a week or two trip-- I'm thinking months or years... so that's why, for now, it's an idea and a thought that I'll keep researching and considering and praying about, but now is not the time to act.
I've acted quickly before, and I didn't sit down to consider what I was wanting to do and why. But in this instance, I've been thinking about it every so often since 2 summers ago when I took a class and did a project on a home for AIDS orphans in Cambodia. Ever since then, I have had a heart for those children and have wanted to do something about it. And now I've spoken it out loud (I informed Michael of my thoughts on Sunday while we were folding laundry...), it feels a bit more real and like it might maybe happen some day.
So if you are type of person who prays, pray for me as I toss this around and really investigate and see if God really wants me there. I've never thought I was one for overseas missions, but who knows... God might have other plans for me/us! But let's take that one small step at a time, m'kay?

One Year Down, Many More to Go!

Okay, so as I was writing my other post, I realized I had two things to process/tell about.
First-- next Saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of Michael's and my marriage :-D I cannot believe we've been married for A YEAR! Comparatively, that's not very long, but it's flown by, and hey, a life-long marriage has to start somewhere...
To celebrate, we're going down to Colorado Springs to tour around and spend the night at a hotel and then go snowshoeing the next day. Neither one of us has ever spent any real time down there (I know, it's sad that I'm a native and have not really been around the Springs...). But there's Garden of the Gods, the Royal Gorge, and who knows what else! And as for snowshoeing, the Springs gets dumped on all the freaking time, so I'm hoping there are some fun places to go around there.
We've been discussing anniversary gifts, and I really feel like this occasion calls for a lot more thought and sentiment than any other occasion (bday, Christmas, etc). But then again, if it's something he's passionate about, why not get him something that more resembles a birthday gift? I'm kinda torn. I have a good idea for one thing (thanks, Erin!) which I'm excited about, but it doesn't seem like enough. This is where I feel bad for Michael because women are easier to buy for-- jewelry, flowers, etc. Michael doesn't wear jewelry, he doesn't dress up for work (so cuff-links are out of the question), and he doesn't golf (so an engraved golf club is out of the question as well ;-). But we'll see what other ideas I have. I have a week to think of something!
Anyway, to be a bit more deep, it really interests me to look back on our first year of marriage and see the growth as individuals and as a couple. I can't believe the fights we had at the beginning and how much how we fight has even changed (for the better, thankfully!). We respect each other more, see each other for who we really are and still love each other just the same. We've lived life together and gone through the ups and downs and sideways. We've been there to support each other in personal lows, and rejoice in times of personal highs! I know that I can come to Michael with a fear or insecurity and I know he will help encourage me through it all and be my personal cheerleader. And I can be that for him as well.
When people say that opposites attract AND that you are one parent and you marry the other... yeah, those are both totally and completely 100% true! It's kinda freaky, actually. But the great thing is that through our differences, we can help each other grow. For instance, I'm more logical in my processing and reacting, and Michael is more emotional. At times, those differences ended up in major blow-ups, but through them I have helped Michael take a mental step back, evaluate the situation before reacting; and Michael has helped me explore and be okay with emotion and expressing it (which has been extremely hard because I HATE being out of control with my emotions... but then I am closed off... vicious cycle!) And yes, I am my mother... but I'm not complaining. I love my mom! And it's been nice to be able to go to her to seek advice on how to handle different situations with someone who is just like my dad. I have an ally and a support. It's awesome! And since Michael is just like my dad, it has helped me understand and better interact with my dad and my sister (who is also like my dad). I've gained a better understanding of how they work and how to interact in a healthy way with them. It's awesome!
And we heard from a lot of people that the first year of marriage is the hardest-- heck yes it is! I never realized how much work it would be to adjust to living with someone so different from me and learning to interact as a married couple and continue to have a healthy relationship. I'm hoping that this next year and all the years after are filled with growth, but hopefully it wont be as hard as this year was.
I love my husband and I can't wait to see what another year has in store for us! Come what may!! (That's our theme-song [this was our recession song in our wedding], as well as out motto for our relationship... just in case you were wondering)

When Life is a Bit Blah

I feel like I should write something since I haven't really written anything in a while. But nothing very interesting is coming to mind. I hate to use this blog as a constant whine-fest about friends and church, but other than those two things, not much else is going on in my life. I go to work 5 days a week, try to squeeze friends somewhere in there, and pack our weekends so full, I need another weekend after my weekend is over.
Michael has started playing rugby, and his first match, game, or whatever you call it, is tomorrow. It should be interesting and I will hopefully get to know the wives of the players and we can make new friends there... hopefully...
Church is church... we enjoyed going to the other location of the church this last Sunday, but I have a feeling that the "sacred" feeling I had on Sunday was a fluke-- more than likely it was just because we were in a new place (my church owns an old, historic Jewish temple-- it's really cool!), not because anything was that different. And it sucks that because Michael works for the church, we/he HAVE to go... I hate being told I have to do something when there's no real rhyme or reason to it. But I digress.
This month is going to be a lot calmer than last month, so I'm looking forward to enjoying more nights like last night where I had absolutely nothing to do! To give you some perspective, last month we had a total of 5 days ALL MONTH that we didn't have something planned... I was constantly exhausted-- we never could sit down to rest because we had something else to do or someone else to see! So this month we only have a few things planned and are trying more than ever to keep at least one day a week open just for the two of us to be together. We'll see how that goes.
Well, that's all for now. I hope to get more inspired later... Have a fabulous weekend!

Inspriation from Esther's Courage

Today is International Women's Day and I have decided to participate in the synchroblog. You can find a list of other posts here.
The topic we are asked to write about Biblical women. However, I have to admit that beyond the basic telling of most of the stories about the women of the Bible, I don't know much else about them. I know who Ruth is, I know who Mary (Jesus' mother) is, and I just recently found out really who Jezebel is. As I thought about writing this post, I tried to think about what woman I most admire from the Bible or the one who I know the most about... and no one really came to mind. Although I never went to a church that taught women were less than men, I also never really focused on a woman from the Bible unless it was to say what a Christian woman should look like (meek, kind, even on the verge of a doormat).
I started to wonder why this was that I never really heard about the women of the Bible and really dug into their stories. Is it because the men are afraid of strong women, so teaching about them makes them even more uncomfortable? Are they just as uneducated about the women of the Bible as I am? ... Truth be told, I really don't know the reason.
I admire the courage of Esther, the strength and lack of self-consciousness of Mary Magdalene, and the faith of Mary, Jesus' mother. But I don't really know about these women. Who were they, what were their lives like, what was the culture like that they were living in? However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I never really learned about anyone in the Bible with any sort of depth.
But why not focus our time and energy on realizing the amazing women who are either mentioned or even have whole books written about them? These women lived in a time where women were seen as their husband's property, right next to their cattle. And yet these women stood out and showed their strength in the face of oppression and hardship. They showed their true, beautiful selves. I wish I could be like any of the women of the Bible who had the strength to stand out from the crowd and show how amazing they are.
From the little I know of her, Esther is definitely my favorite because she not only stood out from the crowd, she had enough love and compassion to risk her own life to save a whole group of others from certain death.
I want to be like Esther-- I want to lay down my own life and desires to make life better for someone else, if not a whole group of people. To not look at the obstacles, but look at the potential for a better ending-- that's the kind of life I want to live. I hope it never comes down to me having to lay my life down for someone or something, but if it did, I pray I have the courage of Esther to do whatever it takes to change the lives of others and the world.
I hope Esther and the other women of the Bible inspire others today and throughout the year to live their lives to the fullest and to be strong in the face of oppression.