I don't know if there is anyone who still reads this or is waiting to know if I'm still writing, but I wanted to let everyone know my blogging has moved to the following address:
So it's been a while since I last posted. As far as I'm concerned, this blog is going to sleep for a good long while. My life has completely turned upside-down, and church/God/religion has really taken a back seat to the rest of my life; so I feel that this blog is not what I need any more. But I will keep it up because I don't see the point in deleting it.
I guess I should inform my few readers (who don't already know) what is going on. My husband and I have filed for divorce. The details are not too complicated, but it is definitely for the best.
If I start writing again, I will hopefully make a new blog that will be a bit more personal. For now I need to focus on myself, what I'm feeling, and not worry about posting on any blogs for a while.
I will miss writing, so as soon as I make a new blog, I will put up a new post with the new blog address on it.
So check back here every so often, because I would suspect that I will get the blogging itch within a few months. I already have it now, but the time and energy it takes to even think about blogging gets lost in the rest of what's going on. As soon as things settle down, I will be able to focus on more than getting through all of this.
But I'm still reading blogs, so I will definitely comment on those blog-readers whose blogs I read as well! :-)
See you all in a few months!
I know I haven't written anything in, like, forever, but here are a couple thoughts that have been rolling around my head the last couple of days (but also for a while because these are big issues for me):
Thought/Question ONE:
The Bible says that God loves us, but does he like us? Because it IS possible to love someone but not like them (ie "love your enemies"), so is it possible that God doesn't like people in general, or certain people or even me?
Thought/Question TWO:
In 1 John 4:12,
if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.So... the question is: if someone loves (meaning respect, care for, honor, show grace and mercy to, etc.-- however you would define showing love) people, but is not a follower of God/Christ, does that still mean that God is in them since they are showing love and God is love?
Okay, so I haven't been blogging as much as I wish I did; and I rediscovered today how much I wish I was a lot wittier than I am and that this blog really doesn't express who I really am. I have things that go through my head constantly that I'd love to blog about, but then I know that my entire immediate family reads this blog, and who knows if my in-laws do to... I have things I want to vent about, to say, or to just verbally vomit (thank you Bridget Jones!) but my reader database limits that. I don't want to offend someone or hurt their feelings, because I've done this before through this blog, and it was heartbreaking. I want to express what I'm thinking, but I also don't want to hurt those I'm thinking about. I've also grown my google-reader to include some really funny, snotty, and interesting people; many of whom use the word... (shall I use it on my blog too?)... fuck... A LOT! It's not a crude or unintelligent way they use it. They use it when no other word will truly express what they're thinking. I tend to think of myself as an open book, unafraid of what people think, and real. I hate fake people and I refuse to be one. But I also don't feel like I'm being real here. Yes, I say what's annoying be about church and my friends, but that's only a part of who I am. I want to gripe about when my husband is being a dumb-ass (I love you, Michael!), or when my MIL is driving me insane, or when the stress of my family is just getting to be too much. I started a private blog that I use more like a journal, but I only seem to write on it when I'm extremely pissed, which isn't that often or that interesting. I want to be interesting. I want to show my true self and express myself in an honest way. So I just don't know what to do with this blog. Do I stop writing on this one and make a new one that I can write freely on (but then the same problem arises...)? Do I start an anonymous blog and write on that? GAH! I don't know! But I know where my blog currently is and who I currently am are not mixing well... I'll keep you posted.
Oh, and a side note, I just joined twitter... I know, I know, I finally caved... so come follow me and I'll follow you!
This is a short post to just let the world know that I am completely emotionally overwhelmed! We found out this week that my grandfather is extremely sick and only has a few days left to live. After crying in front of dozens (if not hundreds) of strangers today at lunch, I decided I needed to go out to California to visit him one last time to say good-bye. If there's anything I learned in my HDFS studies at CSU, it's that closure is extremely important and unresolved issues don't easily go away.
So I booked my ticket and am flying out bright and early tomorrow and will get back Sunday morning to have some sort of modified Easter brunch with my hubby, dad, and possibly my sis.
So if you're the praying type, keep me in your prayers as I go deal with things that I don't like to emotionally deal with and say good-bye to my grandfather.
P.S. Ali, if San Diego were any closer I'd come visit... unfortunately it'll have to wait till November :-(
I'm going through my yearly (maybe bi-monthly) crisis of identity where I start to question who I am, what I'm doing, where I am, where I'm going, who my friends are, who my family is... and it all gets jumbled around in my head and I start to close off and get frustrated with everything and everyone. Everything seems to annoy me, and people suddenly don't seem worth the time and effort.
Yesterday, Michael was playing bass for church and then went straight to a meeting, so I got to sleep in and I spent yesterday morning sitting on my couch watching stupid movies on tv, and didn't even take a shower at noon. And if I hadn't had to run errands and go to my parents' house for dinner, I probably wouldn't have moved much off the couch all day. But nothing seemed motivating. I mean, I didn't even knit while in my stupid-movie-stupor, which is surprising because knitting is something I enjoy doing while watching tv and movies! Especially when I've seen them before and I don't have to pay attention the entire time. I didn't call anyone to hang out with, because then I'd actually have to interact with people. And who to call is another question. The women I could have called were probably at church, which the thought of right now makes my stomach churn, and my other friends don't live close-by.
I guess I'm just feeling down. I went to my sister's event to raise awareness about human trafficking on Saturday through the Not For Sale campaign, so joy for life kinda left me this weekend. It was a bit more intense than I anticipated...
That event showed me, yet again, that I truly desire to live for something bigger than myself, but I don't know what that looks like. Does it mean something overseas, through a NGO, through more schooling to become a counselor of some sort? I DON'T KNOW! And it's killing me! I don't know who I want to be or what I want to live for because there are so many issues out there, and only so little time and money. I want to impact people's lives, but it's distressing to me that I don't know what that looks like for me.
I met with a friend for coffee last week, and she sat there telling me about her new vision for her life was to start a school. I have no desire to associate myself with anything in the education system, but I felt a pang of envy as she spoke about how the dream had become clear to her and she had already gotten the ball rolling by telling people about it and finding people who were interested... I sat there thinking, "I want to start something or be a part of something I'm so sure about and passionate about; if only I knew what that was." I'm excited for my friend, but at the same time, I feel depressed about it.
I wish it were me sitting at that table telling her about my new vision and purpose in life. Because right now, my only purpose is to show up to work (which I don't really enjoy), get a paycheck, and make sure Michael doesn't freak out and burn the church down. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for things to happen, but they don't, or they do but cause more waiting to happen. I waited to graduate, I then waited to get married, then I waited to figure out what the hell I was going to do for a job, then I have to wait to figure out what I really want to do with my life now that I'm making a steady paycheck, and I'm also waiting for Michael to finish school so I can possibly pursue my dream of working at a non-profit. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I want life and my dreams to finally catch up, but they seem stuck in stand-by mode.
My life is bigger than I am. I know that. I feel it deep down. But how I can express that and pursue that... that's the big question.
So thanks for listening to my processing rant. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow with a clear sense of what the hell I'm doing... or I might just have to keep waiting...
As I mentioned a few days ago, it was our one year anniversary last weekend. We had a wonderful time! We toured around Colorado Springs, ate some mediocre food, watched a movie, and went to the zoo. And best of all, we spent all of our time together. We had a bit of a hiccup at the beginning of our weekend, but we then spent the rest of the time laughing, talking, puking (oh, have I ever mentioned I'm sir-pukes-a-lot? yeah, the legacy continues...[and no, it was not because of alcohol]), eating, and taking pictures of giraffes.
And best of all, we've continued to live in our happy, lovey-dovey mode since then. Yeah, we've fought a bit, but we've spent the rest of the time really enjoying each other and loving each other. Something has changed, for the better, and we've been able to enjoy each other and love spending time together. For example, we played 20 questions today in the car while driving up to Fort Collins and laughed the whole time!
I love my husband!! We're growing together as a couple and as individuals, and I'm loving every minute of it. There have had ups and downs, even this week, but I've loved the people we've become and will become the more we continue to grow together!
I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!!!
So the second thing--
An idea I've been tossing around in my head, and really feeling a conviction for, is to possibly end up going to Southeast Asia and helping AIDS orphans there... WHAT??!?! Me? I know! I don't consider it a "missions trip" in the traditional sense, because my purpose is not to "bring Jesus" but to bring his love through my actions... make sense? This wouldn't happen any time soon, seeing as we don't have anywhere near enough money to even start thinking about, and also, it's a joint decision and so I wouldn't feel comfortable about going anywhere without Michael feeling it too. And to explain a little more, I'm not thinking this would be a week or two trip-- I'm thinking months or years... so that's why, for now, it's an idea and a thought that I'll keep researching and considering and praying about, but now is not the time to act.
I've acted quickly before, and I didn't sit down to consider what I was wanting to do and why. But in this instance, I've been thinking about it every so often since 2 summers ago when I took a class and did a project on a home for AIDS orphans in Cambodia. Ever since then, I have had a heart for those children and have wanted to do something about it. And now I've spoken it out loud (I informed Michael of my thoughts on Sunday while we were folding laundry...), it feels a bit more real and like it might maybe happen some day.
So if you are type of person who prays, pray for me as I toss this around and really investigate and see if God really wants me there. I've never thought I was one for overseas missions, but who knows... God might have other plans for me/us! But let's take that one small step at a time, m'kay?
Okay, so as I was writing my other post, I realized I had two things to process/tell about.
First-- next Saturday will mark the one-year anniversary of Michael's and my marriage :-D I cannot believe we've been married for A YEAR! Comparatively, that's not very long, but it's flown by, and hey, a life-long marriage has to start somewhere...
To celebrate, we're going down to Colorado Springs to tour around and spend the night at a hotel and then go snowshoeing the next day. Neither one of us has ever spent any real time down there (I know, it's sad that I'm a native and have not really been around the Springs...). But there's Garden of the Gods, the Royal Gorge, and who knows what else! And as for snowshoeing, the Springs gets dumped on all the freaking time, so I'm hoping there are some fun places to go around there.
We've been discussing anniversary gifts, and I really feel like this occasion calls for a lot more thought and sentiment than any other occasion (bday, Christmas, etc). But then again, if it's something he's passionate about, why not get him something that more resembles a birthday gift? I'm kinda torn. I have a good idea for one thing (thanks, Erin!) which I'm excited about, but it doesn't seem like enough. This is where I feel bad for Michael because women are easier to buy for-- jewelry, flowers, etc. Michael doesn't wear jewelry, he doesn't dress up for work (so cuff-links are out of the question), and he doesn't golf (so an engraved golf club is out of the question as well ;-). But we'll see what other ideas I have. I have a week to think of something!
Anyway, to be a bit more deep, it really interests me to look back on our first year of marriage and see the growth as individuals and as a couple. I can't believe the fights we had at the beginning and how much how we fight has even changed (for the better, thankfully!). We respect each other more, see each other for who we really are and still love each other just the same. We've lived life together and gone through the ups and downs and sideways. We've been there to support each other in personal lows, and rejoice in times of personal highs! I know that I can come to Michael with a fear or insecurity and I know he will help encourage me through it all and be my personal cheerleader. And I can be that for him as well.
When people say that opposites attract AND that you are one parent and you marry the other... yeah, those are both totally and completely 100% true! It's kinda freaky, actually. But the great thing is that through our differences, we can help each other grow. For instance, I'm more logical in my processing and reacting, and Michael is more emotional. At times, those differences ended up in major blow-ups, but through them I have helped Michael take a mental step back, evaluate the situation before reacting; and Michael has helped me explore and be okay with emotion and expressing it (which has been extremely hard because I HATE being out of control with my emotions... but then I am closed off... vicious cycle!) And yes, I am my mother... but I'm not complaining. I love my mom! And it's been nice to be able to go to her to seek advice on how to handle different situations with someone who is just like my dad. I have an ally and a support. It's awesome! And since Michael is just like my dad, it has helped me understand and better interact with my dad and my sister (who is also like my dad). I've gained a better understanding of how they work and how to interact in a healthy way with them. It's awesome!
And we heard from a lot of people that the first year of marriage is the hardest-- heck yes it is! I never realized how much work it would be to adjust to living with someone so different from me and learning to interact as a married couple and continue to have a healthy relationship. I'm hoping that this next year and all the years after are filled with growth, but hopefully it wont be as hard as this year was.
I love my husband and I can't wait to see what another year has in store for us! Come what may!! (That's our theme-song [this was our recession song in our wedding], as well as out motto for our relationship... just in case you were wondering)
I feel like I should write something since I haven't really written anything in a while. But nothing very interesting is coming to mind. I hate to use this blog as a constant whine-fest about friends and church, but other than those two things, not much else is going on in my life. I go to work 5 days a week, try to squeeze friends somewhere in there, and pack our weekends so full, I need another weekend after my weekend is over.
Michael has started playing rugby, and his first match, game, or whatever you call it, is tomorrow. It should be interesting and I will hopefully get to know the wives of the players and we can make new friends there... hopefully...
Church is church... we enjoyed going to the other location of the church this last Sunday, but I have a feeling that the "sacred" feeling I had on Sunday was a fluke-- more than likely it was just because we were in a new place (my church owns an old, historic Jewish temple-- it's really cool!), not because anything was that different. And it sucks that because Michael works for the church, we/he HAVE to go... I hate being told I have to do something when there's no real rhyme or reason to it. But I digress.
This month is going to be a lot calmer than last month, so I'm looking forward to enjoying more nights like last night where I had absolutely nothing to do! To give you some perspective, last month we had a total of 5 days ALL MONTH that we didn't have something planned... I was constantly exhausted-- we never could sit down to rest because we had something else to do or someone else to see! So this month we only have a few things planned and are trying more than ever to keep at least one day a week open just for the two of us to be together. We'll see how that goes.
Well, that's all for now. I hope to get more inspired later... Have a fabulous weekend!
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